Soooooo. I am feeling on top of the world. I am over two weeks clean and down the road to recovery. My Yetzer Harah must definitely be crying inside me. He yearns to express himself. TOO BAD FOR HIM.

I have begun to notice how I have always been turning to acting out as an escape from reality and dealing with daily life issues. For example today something happened that made me really upset. I was fuming angry. I swore loudly. I was walking outside immediately after the incident and my eyes began to wander. they were hunting. Anything Non-Tznius was my prey. It was like going on autopilot mode of seeking out evil, except I wasn't the one who put it into gear. It happened on it's own. After years of being trained to do this (as a preperation for acting out) my body did it automatically. I realized right away of course because for the past two weeks I have been careful to guard my eyes from things on the street and have been using the pinching technique.

If I couldn't act out what could I do. I was still so angry. I almost never had to deal with that amount of anger for so long. I asked a friend of mind how he deals with his anger. He told me he takes a cigarette if he's really upset. I will be honest,I would rather have an addiction to cigarettes than this messy addiction. At least cigarettes won't ruin my marriage. But they are gross. and I really can't stand the smoke.(and they kill you in the end also right).

So now I am beginning to get in touch with all of the bad character traits I have hidden underneath that have always been numbed until now. This is becoming much more complex than I had hoped. I am now dealing with not only my repulsive addiction, but also with the negative, unrestrained, unrefined, unacceptable character traits that have been hidden underneath the layers of lies. Oy. nu nu. So is life. I must deal with it. If Hashem gave me this test I guess I have the power to overcome it. I really had hoped It would be easier than this. But in the end I guess it will be all the more worthwhile. I guess the damage done after years of abuse is not so quickly fixed. This is a major downer :-[. So annoying. I need some Siyata Dishmaya.

I am really considering seeing a therapist at this point but I hate the idea of opening up to some guy who
A. Doesn't really know me
B. Cares just enough to make sure I come back again

What to do?

ZD -  I should be asleep.

But I have to write this NOW.

First of all, yeshar koach for reaching out to some of the newbies, introducing yourself and giving them chizuk. BEING A GIVER is a big part of recovery, as is getting out of ispolation and building new connections with people. As they guys already told you, you have what it takes to succeed and get into recovery.

Second, give yourself time. It's taken you years to get this way, and the change to get out of it can't possibly happen overnight.

Third, to understand HOW MUCH HASHEM LOVES YOU, even as you already are, it helps to study and learn to emulate the Yud gimmel Middos HaRachamim. The best way I've found is by learning Tomar Devorah. There's a little sefer with a blue leather cover that breaks up the limud by days of the month, with very good english translation. Since Rosh Chodesh is coming up, it would be a good time to start on the first day of the month. Each day's limud is only about 5-8 minutes to read, and a whole day to think about!

Fourth, and most important, NOTICE WHAT REALLY HAPPENED EARLIER - you were really upset and angry about something, obviously something that happened BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. You had a bout of what is known as RID - Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

"I was walking outside immediately after the incident and my eyes began to wander. they were hunting. Anything Non-Tznius was my prey. It was like going on autopilot mode of seeking out evil, except I wasn't the one who put it into gear. It happened on it's own. "

The HUMAN reaction of us Lust Addicts is to seek out the destructive behavior BECAUSE we are experiencing RID, because it's a pain that we want to numb ourselves out of with a quick fix of pleasure, even the pleasure of just LOOKING at a pretty woman, let alone someone even partially exposed. And it gives us a sense of CONTROL, because WE CHOOSE to do that which we're told NOT to do, "Hah! I'll show THEM!!" It's obvious we are reacting to pain that came on sudenly that was "beyond our control", and we want that control back, FAST!

Now you can see this FIRST HAND yourself, while it's fresh. You have the benefit of two weeks clean (GEVALDIGGG!) which gives you a clarity because you've stepped back from the precipice. So internalize this TRUTH:

If the Lust Desire rears up within me when I experience RID, then obviously IF I CAN GET RID OF RID I can get FREEDOM from the Lust Drive. It will have no fuel on which to burn.

If you really see and believe that this is TRUTH for you, then the thing to do is join a group that is working on the 12 Steps. This process is proven to help us understand and get Rid of RID. And doing it with others makes it easier, and gives tremendous chizuk to all the participants. If the timing works for you, Duvid Chaim's group call is only into the 2nd week out of 13, so it's still a good time to join, and easy to catch up. There are other 12 Step programs thru GYE, check them out on the front page in one of the links.

I hope this message is as clear to you as it was to me upon reading your post. What an AMAZING opportunity for growth has Hashem placed in front of you!

OK, I'd better get home before i end up sleeping in the dog house...

G'nite, and good Shabbos!!!

Probably the first couple of therapy sessions involve a lot of getting acquainted.  But, if the guy knows what he is doing (and if you're dead honest with him) he should have the expertise to get you on the road to recovery fairly soon.

And, if you find a good therapist, his goal ought to be to get you out of his office as soon as possible.  To heal you.

Use your common sense (and again, be dead honest).  You ought to be able to tell if he's digging up new and irrelevant info, or if he's on the right track (You ought to see improvements).

Frankly, it could be a 12-step SA group would be great for you.  Basically, we get angry because things don't go our way.  We're selfish and egotistical.  We need to let go of "our way," and let Hashem run the show.  These are among the first steps of the 12-steps.

You'd probably find the AA "Big Book" enlightening.  You can download it here

aagso.org/1999/4ed.pdf

At any rate, good luck to you.  It's very commendable that you are admitting to the deeper issues.

 --Eye.

Hello sirs,
I have some very good news to report.

I am scheduled to see an addiction therapist this week! I am actually very excited. I need some advice though. How do I overcome the fear I have of losing my anonymity by admitting to my problem. Also, I am still very scared of telling someone about my addiction. I will feel like a hunk of garbage. My denial symptoms are coming back. Should I not speak about my problem right away? Maybe start with telling him about myself.

May Hashem help me

I love you people,
Zalmandovid

That's great!

Yes, opening up about things that we feel dirty about can be difficult. But you're doing it so that you can improve, and I know that I felt SO much better after opening up. Even though I was kinda forced to.

But you're making this decision on your own, and that's awesome! I wish I would have been as strong as you!

Actually, you should feel proud that you are opening up to someone.  It takes a lot of courage.  It's a huge step for recovery.  Our addiction thrives on isolation, and it is overcome by the opposite!

Good luck,

  --Eye.

Hatzlocha with your therapist, ZD! May Hashem - perhaps using your therapist - make all the tools you already have, clear to you. May you be given the power to use them.
And may you be given the patience and wisdom not to try to use them all at the same time. You posted above that you are

So, I think patience is in order. For me, patience is a gift from Hashem. Really. So I wish it for you, too, ZD.
Trust me - that's a real brocha, as the surest way to screw up is to try to shave, make a cell phone call, drink my coffee, and adjust the speed of the windshield wiper - while driving!  :-\ :o ???

I hope your therapist helps you become at least somewhat satisfied with taking one step at a time, not two.

...have you ever tried stepping forward with both feet simultaneously?
Wooops! Hey!! Splaaattt!

Did I fall?
So basically I was feeling whatever symptoms an addict needs to feel in order to act out. I turned on my computer and started typing every dirty word into google I know that would usually bring up some pretty nasty junk. I did this even though I knew full well that the filter would block it (maybe I was testing that the filter works well?). Anyway, Boruch Hashem the urge has passed. Maybe my brain got tricked into thinking that it got the chemical surge it needed (or maybe it actually got it). Do you think this type of acting out is just as bad as actually viewing smut. What do I do? How do I stop myself when I feel like acting out?

Ladies and gentelman of the court I am proud to say that with the help of Hashem I am TWENTY DAYS CLEAN!!!. First off I am really woohooing right now. Secondly, let me tell you I am definitely feelin the heat. My body is saying to me. GO VIEW PORN. IT FEELS GOOD. IT FEELS AWSOME! LET GO OF THE GROSS WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. ESCAPE WITH ME INTO THE LAND OF FAKE PLEASURE AND UNINHIBETED FREEDOM. Of course I know that this pleasure is only temporary and afterwards I will feel absolutely miserable and only so much more far away from a real life. My problem is that never in my life have I ever stood up to my real problems and issues. I have always covered them over with this balm of lust. I read through both handbooks yesterday and i need to implement more tools. Any suggestions on what to do next. Please help!!!

PS I am still having a problem of getting my brain to understand that this is not a fight. How do I explain to my logical mind that I am powerless and that i must let g-d deal with my problem and just do my thing?

Dear ZalmanDovid,

Please forgive me for repeating myself.
Please remember to take it easy. Years and years of relative nuttiness - and goofiness! - can't change a lot overnight, and certainly not by our (sorry) puny efforts. But we do change and grow more than we'd ever have imagined, over time.
Hashem will really help you (a lot), especially if you ask Him to (a lot).
Reading through the handbooks is great, but look out. It's filled with so many tools...perhaps picking one to try today is a good strategy. Tomorrow you can use it some more or take thought then to picking and trying out a different one. Too much planning just makes most folks crazy. Remember: If the way you and I naturally go about dealing with problems is so effective, how did we end up in this mess to begin with!? We really need an open mind here....so I'm just posting some suggestions.

The other thing I'd like to share with you is that there is something way more important than cleaning up all our garbage and letting go of all the lust balm we used to cover it all up with. And that is learning what our alternative is. And it's not a matter of hashkofa at all - it's purely and only  experience. We need to start building the "alternative balm", which is the "Real Balm": a relationship with Hashem that really works.
It is built slowly, and on His schedule. Addicts like me start out by bringing Him right into our temptations and giving up our temptations and lust to Him to take care of, for us. It is further built by calling on safe friends to open up to, as you are in these posts (though a phone or text is better cuz of the real-time aspect). And by using the tools and thanking Him for your successes rather than taking the credit. If I take the credit, I retake the struggle along with it! That's just the way it works, it seems. It's built further when we are patient with ourselves and forgiving to others.
All these things build up the Alternative, water it and tend it - till one day, after a few months or maybe even a year or so (everyone is different), we get a temptation and discover that we are truly motivated to quickly get help - because we cherish our relationship with our very own G-d, and our own integrity! They become so precious to us that we rush to protect them at all costs!

Now, that's a nice place to be.

But you must take it easy to get there. As my mother used to tell me: "Crakow wasn't built in a day, they say."  

zalmandovid wrote on 16 Mar 2010 00:20:


We aren't necessarily asking G-d to rid us of lust.  If we start the wrestling match when we are a click away from p**, it may be too late (but not impossible).

Pay attention to what's going on in your mind... how do you end up lusting?  What were you thinking or doing beforehand?  Depression, anger, blame, brooding about something.  Perhaps.  Sometimes the trigger can even be that our emotions got too stirred up from something positive that we did.  From bad or good, we feel like we need to release tension.

Ask G-d to remove these problems.  Surrender THIS to G-d.  And try to do something to improve your mood.  Change directions so you don't just take the same nose-dive into lust again.

  --Eye.

And posting is a great way to keep tabs on how you're feeling! So when you realize that you're feeling urges, plan ahead, and get busy doing other things!

As far as your attempt to get filth, I say congratulations - because even though you had a temporary weakness, the guards that you'd set up beforehand helped you get through without harming yourself.

And take this time to remind yourself that...it's not just that you'll feel miserable afterward if you give in - you'll feel great if you don't! The pleasure you get when you walk away from a test, clean...it's the best feeling in the world!

ZalmanDovid, you're doing great. But the handbooks weren't just meant for reading. The GYE handbook was meant for IMPLEMENTING. Now you need to go back and re-read the GYE handbooks slowly... You are asking for "suggestions on what to do next". Well, I thought that's what the handbooks were for  ... They go in progressive order, so if you have tried some tools and are still feeling "the heat", as you say, you may need to try the NEXT tool of the handbook that you haven't tried yet... Go in order. It's not just a mishmash of a whole bunch of tools, it has a clear and progressive order of what to try "next", and then after that.  

Be well - and make sure to listen to Dov. He really knows what he is talking about. He LIVES it 24/7.

Thank you for your help... I will choose one step today.

Please tell us about it (if you feel comfortable)!