Regarding crying check out Gemara Brachos Daf 32b. It says since the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed, the gates of Tefillah have been closed but the gates if tears remains open.

Not to be a party-pooper, but I was told that the Kotzker asked, "If the doors are always open, then why are there doors at all?" (yes, the old 7-11 question!)
He answered that they do close - for tears about shtus. May all our tears be over reality and with hachno'oh, rather than all about our sadness, c"v.

zalmandovid wrote on 11 Jun 2010 03:37:


If anyone works these steps and still has a lot of ego left, they didn't work them right. (based on Chuck C.'s "A New Pair of Glasses", on Joe, Joe, and Charlie CDs on AA Recovery, and on Harvey's A.'s recorded talks for SA) 

So you are in good company, now get to work with a chevra. feeling like a piece of garbage and crying over how far I am is most-likely not going to help me get any better. In fact, it's probably just my ego: I figure that I am such a great guy that any lack of perfection is just beneath me and tragic...instead, it sounds like you are learning a more realistic perspective that accepts your limitations and that Hashem is aware that you need work and will help you grow past the craziness. Sounds good to me. Just get to work, OK? 

ZD,

First of all, let me say I am SO proud and Happy for you. You are SO brilliantly aware of your perceptions, motives, and where you want to be heading and why you FEEL the way you do. The YH is so scared of losing a good customer, he's throwing all sorts of junk your way.

For me, the keys to building humility are 1) accepting my own fallibility, that i am not perfect, i am not in control, and that EVERYTHING Hashem places in front of me is to teach me SOMETHING. If i ask Him, he'll reveal to me what his message is. 2) service to others. nothing puts our ego in check more than becoming a TOOL for HKB"H to use, asking him to be a sheliach of His for our fellow yidden who are less fortunate than you are, and thanking him afterwards for the opportunity.

So accept rebuke humbly, and realize a lack of siyata d'shomaya is also Hashem's rebuke, that we have ways to mend. And volunteer with a chesed organization, visit hospital patients, be part of a carnival or something for jewish children with cancer, c"v., etc.

And think about joining the next DC call, to grow stronger in the process thru chazara. you've already gotten a strong taste of freedom. Next step is to make it a daily main course.

KOT, and have a GREAT SHABBOS!!

Hello Everyone. I'm really feeling the heat lately. My whole body aches. I am feeling very dejected and depressed for the past couple days. crying all the time. I have spoken to Hashem but he doesn't answer. I really have no strength left for this anymore. when will salvation come. I hate my life.

zalmandovid wrote on 13 Jun 2010 23:45:


So get outta the kitchen... 8) 8) 8) (notice I used the "cool" face lol)

zalmandovid wrote on 13 Jun 2010 23:45:


Bad thing...

zalmandovid wrote on 13 Jun 2010 23:45:


Good thing!!

zalmandovid wrote on 13 Jun 2010 23:45:


Yes He does. Just because you dont hear Him or see Him doesnt mean He's not right there in front of you answering your Tefillos. If it was so obvious that Hashem was all around us, Avodas Hashem would be too easy. Hashem is there. He does answer your tefillos. Sometimes the answer is "no", but there IS an answer.
zalmandovid wrote on 13 Jun 2010 23:45:


The strength is there Zalmon Dovid. I know. You've been through too much to not have any strength at this point. Your strength is somewhere there, you just  have to tap into it.

Stay strong ZD and dont give up. Daven to Hashem and work YOUR Program that you have learned.

-Yiddle

Reb ZalmanDovid, hang in there. Tough times can certainly become overwhelming but they can also certainly dissipate. Things will get better, pal.

I haven't read much of your previous posts but I did read the one about ego. Ego can make it so that we cannot bear our lot in life when it does not meet our high standards. I know. I am struggling with deep feelings of shame over a past action and I am sure my ego is part of the problem.

I've heard that there is a healthy level of self respect. I've been told this by my Rov many times. We should have a healthy respect for ourselves, what we deserve and should aim for. That said, should we find ourselves beneath this level, we really have to look to G-d to put it all back together. There is simply no other way. I know. I am travelling that same road.

Whatever reason you have to hate your life, try to come off it.  You are a lot more than your problems. You are a lot more than your troubles. One day, you'll rise above and see all of this. For today, take our word for it. And G-d's. It's G-d who assures us we'll be alright.

If you can take a walk, take a walk. If you can visit a park or a lake, visit these. Try to avoid dweeling on those things that bring you down. Someday soon, they will all pass. It isn't worth dwelling on things that will soon not matter at all. Concentrate on your good points. Everyone has some good points and you do, too. Don't lose sight of the fact you are bigger and better than whatever you might be going through.

And talk to G-d. You think He isn't hearing you, but that simply isn't so. He does hear you. Be honest and realistic: G-d is there. 

Don't lose hope, man. This storm will soon pass. Remember, you've got alot of brothers pulling for you here. You're not alone. And G-d is right there with you. Read the tehillim, any tehillim... it's there that G-d let's us know he is with us on a heart level.

You're gonna make it, Reb Zalman Dovid. Keep your head up.

Lchavod my sanity I am hereby getting rid of my Facebook account. May Hashem see this gesture of effort on my part to become clean and give me the strength to continue.
Humbly,
ZD

zalmandovid wrote on 14 Jun 2010 03:24:

WOW. I'm too old and troglodyte-ish to even appreciate the full impact of what you've just done.

I know it's huge. Facebook is huge. Folks use it for everything from job-hunting to vacation pictures to... beach vacation photos (ouch) to old girlfriend messages (double ouch) to "my friend's friend's friend likes this porn site" (big ouch).

So whatever your challenges might have been (perhaps they were on your thread and I've forgotten), what you're doing is huge.

May Hashem bless all the works of your hands. And keyboards.  - Briut

Reb Zalman Dovid, that's the right move. Just move forward, doing right. G-d will certainly bless your actions with a more peaceful outlook. Don't give up on righteous living. Just don't give up.

R' Noson teaches that we should not force the hour. Even should we have to cry at the gates for many long nights, rest assured that G-d hears and the gates will one day be opened to you. The important thing is to not give up. And be patient, not forcing the hour.

And consider your good points. Find a way to be glad and joyful through this ordeal. When it finally passes, you'll be glad you didn't let it eat you up. Afterall, why be so enthralled to something that holds no weight and wil pass. You might say, But it does hold weight!! No, it doesn't. Compared to the kedusha and sholom that are on their way to you, your ordeal is as nothing. So find a way to be glad. Get through these tough times b'simcha. If it is so difficult to be b'simcha, try anyway. It'll come of you concentrate on your good points. And lest you think that you do not deserve to consider and concentrate on your good points, you should know that G-d already does. He forgives and restores the soul. Before you were asked to be glad, G-d was already glad for you. And He still is.

The above is for me as well as you. I need to get out of the mire, too. With each passing day, I see the truth of the above words more and more. Keep your head up, my friend. You're going to make it. 

Being a pickle sucks bad. Had some serious rid today while stuck in traffic. I was so uptight I got a ticket = more rid. It's a viscous circle of death with no end in sight. When will it all end?

You blame yourself feeling so uptight for getting the ticket - then you ask when it will all end? Learn how to be less uptight. Maybe that's the lesson. G-d isn't 'Superman' trying to save you from problems - He gives us challenges in the first place in order to force us to grow. Spending all our time in pain because of the nisayon is wasting the effort - He loses, k'vayochol, and so do we. Go forward and grow from it by using it to learn new skills be"H.

Boruch Hashem I am feeling better now.
I wanted to kill myself.
I realized this addiction is literally life and death.
I am powerless over this.
I humbly call out to Hashem.
I am learning slowly how to heal.
Thank You.
Zalmandovid

Reb Zalman Dovid, don't give up. Hang in there.

Despair is a killer and it only gets worse. Steer clear of it. As you said, it really is life and death. And you deserve to live. Don't lose sight of that. Someday, you'll look back and laugh. It only seems insurmountable; it really isn't. And you have what it takes to get through. 

Hang in there, pal. You can really get through this.

My Friend ZD,

I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. The despair, the hurt, the viciousness of the vicious cycle, it hurts like hell. I can't imagine your pain, but I am familiar with this sugya in general. I have a vicious cycle of fears which lead to such RID and pain that it makes every moment of life a struggle and indeed begs the question "When will it end"

I don't know the answer, but I will mention a couple of things that have helped take the edge off a bit.

1) Talk to people. Alot. Safe people, people on the call, on the forum etc. Build a list of people you can call on and move from one to the next till you find someone who will have time. You might even get lucky and find someone who you really connect with, but even if not, talk, talk, talk. And don't worry about being a bother, a nudnik, because the 12th step teaches us that helping others is the only way we stay sober ourselves so you are doing them a favor. So give it a try, reach out like you've never reached out before and see if it works for you. I am available for you as are many others.

2) I try to remember that everything is from hashem, even the vicious cycle that I'm in and that he loves me dearly so there must be a good reason for what I'm going through. I then try to really get comfortable and accept whatever he has in store for me and try to do what I think I should do at this moment, not the next. Works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't.

I hope you know that we're all praying for you and available  for you as well.

Thank You so Much. 

Regards,
Zalmandovid