ZD,

I just wanna say welcome to your new Journey Thread, and also Yasher Koach on making the bold step to join Duvid Chaim's Group. It was a big thrill for me to hear your voice yesterday!! I hope we get to know eachother more and more as time goes on. Beracha V'Hatzlacha! You're gonna be fine, my man...

So I have decided to turn to you for advice.

1. I hate my job. It gives me so much stress.
2. I am stuck. If I don't work I will not be able to support myself.
3. I don't have any other skills to put to use.

What should I do?

GULP!! Who are you turning to?

TURN TO HASHEM for the BEST advice!

I'm no kabbalist, but I've heard at least two things:

1) Shabbos is the MEKOR HABERACHA. Take care of Shabbos, and Shabbos will take cxare of you.

2) How we treat our wives and family is DIRECTLY tied to our Parnose. Try to treat her with special respect, patience, understanding, and thinking of HER first as a person in and out of privacy.

May HKB"H bless you and your family with a gevaldige parnose tova U'Nikiyah, and grant you the Menuchas HaNefesh you yearn for, so that you may increase in Shalom Bayis and Joy, and when you learn Torah it will be with Yishuv Hadaas.

Good Shabbos!!

Chevre. Their is a g-d in this world. He nourishes, sustains, and loves each and every one of us. When I am feeling weak and vulnerable I call out to him from the depths. When I was Davening the other day I was saying "Hashem I really can't take it anymore. I am powerless over this fight, I give this over to you". I felt like a burden had been lifted off my heart. Tefillah is truly the gate to g-d. What a gift we have. Hashem tells us that if we want to speak to him all we have to do is approach him sincerely. He listens. He hears us. We are his children. He is our father. Cry out to Hashem. Tell him the stirrings of your soul. Our father in heaven cares for each and every one of us.

With the help of Hashem and the Guard Your Eyes community I am B"H 25 days clean.

Agguttehvuch!

Beautiful! i have no doubt that this attitude helps you stay clean!

help I just slipped big time and fell I am trying to figure out what happened

zalmandovid wrote on 22 Mar 2010 21:53:

ZD, please look at what I just posted to you in "I'm Gonna Fall!", OK?
Hope you are on the right track now, whatever happenned.

What happened??

According to your YH
You just got cut off from all of this world and the world to come

According to me (bards) what happened?? Gooornisht

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

Reb ZD - how are you, man? Talk to us! By the way, I'm no expert, but if you want, you can PM me, so we can shmooz a bit, and maybe I can help you brainstorm a bit in the jobs area...?

silentbattle wrote on 23 Mar 2010 22:13:


It is so geshmak to have friends who appreciate us even when we are not so perfect! Ai caramba!

Thank you Dov for your words. As usual you know exactly what to say. I find it pretty amazing how you are so open about this issue with your wife. I wish to one day have such a close relationship with my wife, although I would never want something like this to be part of It. Is this an incorrect attitude?

Thoughts on the fall
Ok so I have been analyzing what has happened here. I fell. As I was falling I can remember thinking how this is sooooooo stupid and dumb. I felt like a major dummy. Also, it didn't even feel good at the end, so what was the point? As I was falling I felt really gross. I was actually very disgusted by the images. It's pretty gross. What the hell is wrong with those people who perform in those things. They must have major issues. I have a big headache now, AND I have to start over from the beginning of the count.

There is a major difference between this time I fell after a month and last time. Last time I fell I actually fell deeper after the initial fall. This time though I actually feel empowered. I am not feeling so depressed (although a little). Of course this has to do with my brethren on this site and the therapy I am receiving. I feel this fall will be a catalyst for major growth. It is written "Yeridah Letzoirech Aliyah". Only through a descent can one truly achieve a higher ascent. It's as if this fall was needed in order to make me stronger.

I think my acting out came from two triggers. Lonliness, boredome,  I need to work on getting out of isolation and keeping busy.

A positive thing to take out of this fall: I could have gone on longer without recognizing the triggers. Maybe if I had gone longer I would be feeling more down.

Maybe we fall for the purpose of recognizing triggers. Actuallly what I need to do is actually try to recognize the trigger as it's happening not after I have fallen. I guess thats not always possible.

Question:This whole looking at porn and acting out is such a big part of my past. It will haunt me forever. I can never be truly rid of it because it is there. How do I face this.

Another Question: Is it selfish to go into a relationship knowing that I struggle with this issue? Do I have to wait until I have fully healed? How can I determine when that Is?

I think the term addict is incorrect. Addict means you are addicted to something. If we can actually heal from this than we aren't addicts, no? If this behavior only comes when something triggers it than it's really just a reaction to that specific feeling not an addiction no?

When all is said and done, I do want to note that my quality of life has improved amazingly ever since I started coming to this place, going to Chaim Duvids 12 step groups, and my therapy. How I wish I had only found you sooner  :'( .

Thank you so much for listening. Please share your comments and thoughts.

With Love, :-*
Reb Zalmandovid

25 days clean! An amazing achievement. Think of all the nachus you have given to Hashem. Now get up and start the new clean run.

When the yh burns the trick is not to fight head on, try thinking about something completely different.

Most of the things that pain us so, actually turn out to be lies. OK, I'll be PC and call them "mistakes"... They evaporate, eventually. I felt the same way you describe, about much more than just porn and acting out, but I was wrong! Nowadays, my life is really about other things. This came as a shock to me. Today, the lust is usually just a voice in the background that I chuckle at (at myself, not at the lust!) when it becomes 'loud enough to hear'. I know my lust is just like a star - so tiny and weak when it is far  from me, yet millions of miles wide and with incredibly powerful nuclear force if close up!

My basic job on any day is to stay far from it - keep it just a dot in the firmament of my life. I say "ha, ha" to those who seem to want me to see myself as "cured". Maybe they need to feel that they are just like everyone else to feel "OK" with themselves, but I know to what depths I can still descend should I just get tricked into taking those stupid little pleasures that normal people seem to beable to tolerate once in a while. This is an important point to me: Even a normal y'ray Shomayim is able to take a little lust once in a while...who's perfect? It's terrible, but they will regret it sincerely and do a proper teshuvah and move on. The chances of it being a 'gateway' for them are small - a gateway to what? Not so for me, a man who knows what it's like to be given over to Lust. I may not be so lucky. Who knows? I may very well revert to living for it. I have seen it happen to alkies, heroin addicts, and lust addicts. It's horrifying. Besides, to me, this acceptance of my frailty even in recovery may be my only real shot at anivus! And that's precious. I trust Hashem completely to save me from lust today, but not if I am an idiot and ingrate and take sips at the barrel "when no one is looking". My heart tells me that Ein somchin al haneis applies in this respect. Is that understandable?

For me, this also answers:



As far as:



Maybe the question is: Is it selfish to marry someone knowing I have this condition? I will always be a bit different that the average bear - even though my behavior will hopefully be sober and even exemplary! But is it fooling someone to marry them without telling them that I am ill and only survive by a daily reprieve from Hashem. 

It's a big issue, and I will not talk much about it here, as I lack chochma and every person's case is different anyway. And everybody has issues - everybody. As you get closer, you tell these things and they are either accepted, or they aren't. Usually they are accepted, with much relief. But and the more honestly we treat our condition and the more we heal, the better it will be. That's obvious. When, how and everything else needs to be worked out with a personal friend or mentor.

All the best! Stay  8)

zalmandovid wrote on 24 Mar 2010 07:57:


Do NOT let them haunt you. You actually are CHOOSING to let it haunt you. Do not DWELL on it. It is our EGOs that make us want the sympathy, the recognition of being a "tragic character". Forget about it. Sur meirah can mean TURN YOUR BACK ON IT, take it OFF your shoulders and place it on Hashem's - they are much wider then ours.

When you go home today, before Shabbos, take a look at the Rabbeinu Yonah's Yesod Hateshuva in the front of the Rosh Hashana Machzor. He'll show you how to take the burden of your past off of yourself and start anew. And if you have to do that DAILY, it's OK, and you dont have to feel like a hypocrite.

ZD, stop looking at the fall. you'll learn your lessons from it later. hold your head up when you make each new day Kodesh L'Hashem! and ADD them to your previous 25 days. The glitch in the middle doesn't count - look at your CUMULATIVE DAYS, the STRETCH will come memeilah one day, but for now, GIVE YOUR OWN SELF CHIZUK by looking at the GEVALDIGE amount of days clean since you started. THAT'S WHAT HASHEM WANTS TO SEE!

Remember it's PROGRESS, not perfection. And Remember Hashem LOVES you!

And me, too.

A Good Shabbos, and Chag Kasher V'Somayach!!

Aguevuch Everyone. Thank you everyone for your kind encouraging and wise words. I like the point you made Steve how Hashem wants progress and not perfection. That is such an important Yesod to remember. So I am still clean since my last fall Boruch Hashem. I realized that this past streak was longer than my previous streak so I am Boruch Hashem seeing progress. I think that there was a physiological aspect to the reason behind my fall, specifically my lack of true acceptance. I don't think I had truly accepted that I am an addict. I find it really hard to truly accept this as a part of my character. It seems like such a negative disgusting part of my Being. It is antithetical to my whole existence as a Jew, and the lifestyle I have chosen as a Frum Jew who is an example to others. This lack of acceptance has been my source of falling and will continue to be if I don't truly come to accept my addiction. Right before my fall I started typing inappropriate words into google as if to test my filter. Of course this sparked the beginning of my fall. Why did I do this? Because I didn’t truly believe it would lead to a fall. I thought I could just feed my lust a little and than go on with my life. This is not possible with an addict. Purposefully feeding a lustwill inevitably lead to a fall. After feeding my lust for so long it is so hard to just stop.
This past Shabbos I was visiting a single friend at his apartment .He had had forgotten to shut of his oven so we had to ask his next door Non-Jewish neighbor to come over and shut it off. In walks in a drop dead gorgeous tall blonde. She was wearing a see-through tank top. My friend was able to ignore this and instructed her to turn off the oven. I literally had to run out of the room. Her image haunted me the rest of the Shabbos. How do I deal with this? It is so not fair. Why must I be so affected by everything I see. I couldn't even sit at the Shabbos table without having to consciously tell myself to stop trying to sneak a peak at the girls on the other end of the table. i am truly Ill.
I am an addict. I am an addict. I am an addict. am an addict. I am anaddict. i am an addict. I am an addict. I am an addict. i am an adict.. I am an addict. I am an addict. I am an addict. I am an addict. I am an addict.
I miss Duvid Chaims group.