ZD,

Like Bards says, keep on trucking, try to do your best at this moment and let Hashem do the rest. I've found that not counting clean days (even if in the back of my head I'm aware of them) helps take some pressure off. I got the idea from Dov. Waddya think?

It's very true. Counting clean days usually adds some extra pressure on me. I noticed it recently as well. I have mixed feelings about this whole 90 day chart thingy. Maybe it's good for the guys who are not so ingrained in the addiction. As for myself, I think it's best to avoid it. Be'ezras Hashem I won't be counting this time round. Thanks Yechiel.
Kind Regards,
Zalmandovid

ZD - It's ALL MY PERSPECTIVE.

And you've got a GREAT PERSPECTIVE NOW!

Remember, the fall is just a glitch in the road. The REAL YOU is the ZD of the Good Days. As Bards said, Fell Shmell. All it means is that you got to Day 31, just one day later. Don't sweat the streaks of consecutive days. Count the CULMULATIVE days more.

All we ever have in our hands is the TEFACH of THIS DAY - grab EACH DAY to it's fullest. Make each day it's own goal. "Hey, one day i can handle." And if I c"v fall, I'll pick meself up ASAP, dust meself off, get back on that hoss, and ride back into the sunset. Cuz the fall doesn't define me. Eventually you get enough of these "just todays" in a row, you can look back for a moment and say "cool!" Then turn around and fogeddaboutem again.

Keep on truckin, man. Yo gonna be FINE....

You've gotta find what works for you - and as long as you're working on that, you're doing well, and should be proud of yourself!

Hey I just came off of DC's call and as usual took something out of it that resonates with me. He said how he sometimes has to go back and apply a previous step into his day. Meaning that the steps are not something you just do once and "poof" everything is great. We must live with the steps every day. Trusting in Hashem and giving him our challenges. Asking him to remove our defects, making moral inventories, correcting wrongs, helping others, the 12 steps are A GUIDE TO LIVING LIFE IN HARMONY WITH OURSELVES,HASHEM AND THE PEOPLE AROUND US. I am still trying to find the book/ write-up that discusses how the 12 steps fit perfectly with Torah values.

hey zd.

its a constant climb up and down...down and up...

up two down one...

slide

climb.

when you reach the top your turn is over.

I can't stand this roller-coaster ride. I am feeling a little down lately trying to get closer to Hashem and wear my new "glasses". Ever dince my slip and fall I have been trying to get back where I was. I guess it is a process. One big thing I am working on is that everything that happens is always Hashem.

Chronological timeline of recent events:
Motzei Shabbos: I began writing the following post:



One of the great Chassidic Rebbes once exclaimed to one of his Chassidim that one becomes dead when one has ceased to be able to relate and empathize with anpther person. Once we retreat into ourselves and into our heads we have cut ourselves off from all humanity and have essentially ceased to exist. Ever since last week when I had my fall I got stuck back in my head and myself. I had truly felt dead. My freedom and feelings of elation in my connection to Hashem where stripped from me. I couldn't break free. I was stuck in my head. My G-d was gone. A world that revolves completely around self, devoid of Hashem is truly a diseased place. It's no wonder that Rav Twersky refers to this Addiction as a psychological and spiritual disease. A world with no g-d (spiritual) where you are stuck in your head (psychological) I was trying so hard to regain that place of freedom that I had only lost a week befpre. My connection to Hashem was so solid and I was unstoppable. After my fall my mind put me back in jail. Getting out of my head is difficult for me. I have lived there for the past 24 years of my life and have only recently begun the gradual process of climbing out. This brush with death, ego, self-seeking, fear, and lusting came to an abrupt end this Shabbos. The story is nothing short of true Hashgacha Pratis and a mini-miracle in my journey towards freedom and sobriety. In a awesome A&W moment my g-d was restored to me and I was able to break out of my head and myself. It is a gradual process for me, but the tough part of the initial break is over. I will iYH post the story later when I have more time. Have a Gutte Voch!
With Love,
Zalmandovid

Motzei Shabbos:After completing writing the above I went to a Chaver's simcha, I came back, decided to go on the computer and ended up staying awake till 6 in the morning.

Around 6:15 am Sunday morning: I fell

This whole thing is such a roller coaster. Thinking that being in recovery will cure you is such an errounous and false way of thinking. After working on my connection to Hashem I have so much more I need to work on. I am assessing my fall and what it means. It means I am not trying my best. I think a big part of it hast to do with actually keeping to the rest of the new glasses and not just picking and choosing what I want to change. Maybe the one I have to work on here is MATURE. Someone who stays up late without thinking of the consequences of the next day, freely having fun on the computer till all hours of the morning is truly immature. Being very tired with a computer is never a good mix. It will lead to lusting. This also touches on HONEST. knowing our real intentions. Why are you really deciding to stay up surfing the net? Nuu? tell me really. It must be lust. You want to "accidentally" bump into something immodest. These are two extremely important things that I need to work on, or else I risk falling and falling and fallling some more. I never want to go back there. Another little knot I need to work out is balancing fearlessness and powerlessness. If you trust in Hashem than this gives you a certain sense of fearlessness But if you decide to act fearless in the face of lust than you are setting yourself up to fall splat on your face. By lust you must be powerless. know your boundries. know your intentions. Be HONEST, MATURE, SELFLESS, AWARE AND CARING OF OTHERS, FEARLESS, CONSIDERATE, AND ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND THAT G-D RUNS THE SHOW. It's ALL G-D ALL OF THE TIME.
I have decided to make some parameters as a step in being more mature and honest.
1. I will not use the computer past 12:00
2. I cannot go to a Simcha too late, or stay too late.

The end of my post was gonna be that I by Hashgacha pratis came across a pamphlet that  had an inspiring message. I think it can relate to addiction:

The early sages, who were like angels[1] (may their merit protect us) have already determined that the healing of the soul is like the healing of the body:

The crucial first step is to identify the location of the illness, whether it is caused by the crassness, grossness and corruption of his physical body or by a failing in his soul-powers, the person being inclined to undersirable traits like arrogance or falsehood and the like. Or, the source of the malady may be habit - inadequate rearing or unwholesome environment having brought on bad habits.

Without ascertaining the specific site of the illness and the cause of infection, it is impossible to embark on a cure. One can only prescribe an orderly proper conduct in all matters, what to do and what to avoid. To "do good"[2] in terms of observing mitzvot, designating times for Torah-study and acquiring good character traits - and also to "turn away from evil."[3]

Most urgent of all, however, is that the patient make himself aware of two things: a) to know that he is ill, and desire most fervently to be cured of his malady; b) to know that he can be cured, with hope and absolute trust that, with G-d's help, he will indeed be cured of his sickness.

FOOTNOTES
1. Allusion to the Talmudic statement: "If the first (or early ones, i.e. our predecessors) were like angels, then we are like men; if they were like men, we are like donkeys."
2. Tehillim 34:15.
3. Ibid.

Hey Peoples,
Feeling a little down lately because of my fall. I'm trying to get back on the horse. It ain't so easy. My YH is very busy a whole day trying to get me to lust. I am giving over my fight to Hashem and taking it one day at a time. Be'ezras Hashem things will get better. I feel a little bit disconnected from Hashem and fell like I can't go on with the 9th step just yet. I need Hashem right there with me when I do it and He isn't with me like he was before. Falling really knocks me off course. On a side note my head feels weird every day since I started this thing. Maybe my brain chemicals are changing, or I'm just not getting enough sleep.
I feel like I'm stuck back in my head a little bit. I gotta jump out.

Hey ZD, looking forward to hearing from you soon, hope all goes well!

Heya Peoples,
Boruch Hashem I have begun my 9th step calls. I spoke with my mom and told her my bit. ever since I started this probram our relationship has improved dramatically Boruch Hashem. After I said my bit and asked what I can do to make things better my mothers reaction was "I don;t know what your talking about, our relationship is fine". I still have more calls to make and am looking forward to them.

Just tryin to live accordin to g-ds will

Zalmandovid

Go, buddy, go! After all, it's the only game in town.

Hey ZD,

That's great! Every call we make is another step to freedom. Keep on goin', my friend!

Hey ZD, you are doin' GREAT.

Believe it or not, now I want what YOU have!!

Hey, barkeep, make it a DOUBLE!!

Hello people's,
Haven't posted in some time. So I have been having some ups and downs lately. I had a fall the other night. I used to get all down after a fall and feel really depressed. I don't have that anymore. I know that the guy who falls is not the real me. It is my disease. It is not who I really am. I have been working on developing my connection with Hashem lately. I have a tough time letting go and letting G-d. It scares the hell out of me that I have no control at all over what happens to me in my life. I don't know how to hammer this home. Whenever something I plan doesn't go my way I start getting nervous and upset which leads to acting out. I need to realize that HASHEM IS IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE AND NOT ME!! He really loves me and knows what is truly best for me. Once I truly internalize this I will be able to live more cleanly. Does anyone have any tips on how I can lower my ego. I literally have a HUGE ego. It's sickening. It is probably the single most detrimental component of my personality that causes me to stumble and fall repeatedly. I am by nature extremely emotional and oftentimes get teary eyed when I think of how low I sink. :'( Does crying help? Maybe it will get rid of someof my built up tension. I want to get close to Hashem and serve him only. How can I accept him into my heart and life? When will this struggle end? I have begun a renewed commitment to reach 90 days clean. Let go and let G-D. It's all G-d all the time. BANG IT INTO YOUR HEAD YOU STUFFED UP EGOCENTRIC PIECE OF PICKLE!! ;D. I would like to publicly thank Hashem for all the good he has given me in my life. I have a loving superb family, a healthy body, and so much more. Thank You So Much Hashem.