Hello peoples,
I haven't posted in a while. I have been pretty busy with my life,duvid chaims group, dating, work, and trying to arrange getting into school. Basically busy with life. The good news is that I'm feelin like I have achieved a certain level of recovery. I feel like I am growing. I am getting somewhere. I feel more sure of myself. I feel much better than where I was a couple months ago.I think the reason for this is because I have given over my burdens to Hashem. Whenever I feel like I have a problem that is coming my way I call out to Hashem and tell him that I need his help. That I am powerless. He does the hard part and I just have to make sure i'm doing mine. This thinking would have left me feeling in control earlier but I know better now. I now I am powerless. I cannot become stupid to think I have power over this addiction. This is not a curable disease. It has efficient treatment that if followed can lead one to experience a more rewarding lifestyle by living in sobriety. the fool will convince himself that he is in control of his lust only to find himself in the gutter. This is an important realization for me which I have to keep working at. The lifestyle changes are a little bit harder. I have given up watching any movies but have not given up watching the occasional episode of House. This of course is stupid. My sobriety is worth much more than a stupid TV show. I must give it up as well. I have begun to recognize symptoms which cause RID and have generally become more aware of myself, what I say what I do. I have realized that my communication skills could use some communicational improvement  ;D (k ya I know corny joke  ;D) My familial relationships are getting better. I have begun to start dating again. My life has begun to get much better when I am in recovery. I am much more happy. All of this scares me a little (actually sometimes it scares the hell out of me). The last time I was feelin all happy and high I had a fall and went into a deep depression for three days until I got helped out slowly by my good Chaverim here on GYE. I have been facebooking waaay too mush lately , I gotta curb that before it gets out of control. I must and will put myself more into the 12 step program. I am scared of a fall. I look up to Hashem and humbly ask for his help. For only from him will my salvation come.

Zalman,

Great to hear from you and so glad your feeling and doing well!
Isn't it amazing how much "better" life is when YOU( / G-D) are in control, instead of being controlled!?
yasher Koach on the lifestyle changes, giving up movies is not an easy task, keep posting and keep up the great work tzadik!

So as I am feeling empowered my YH is coming after me. He is trying to convince me how hard this is. "Oy Zalman you''ve reached 3 weeks clean and that is so tough. On top of that you are dealing with other life challenges as well. Surely it is ok for you to lust a little bit, just a little, nothing big. But as I have learned many a time that giving in just a little is the beginning of a fall. Last night I had a moment of weakness. I feel weekened by it. I was Unconciously/subconsiously trying to find something on the internet. I was lusting. Thank G-d it ended at that, but still I was being ruled by my lust. I now know that that is only my Yetzer trying to get me to fall. Andnow heis trying to convince me that I am having it hard. Boruch Hashem I am alive, breathing, and able to type. My whole purpose of coming into this world was to beat this thing. I will with the help of Hashem. "Boruch Hagever Asher Yivtach Ba'Hashem Vehuyu Hashem Mivtacho"=Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and the Lord will be his security=. We must place our trust in Hashem. We must give over our challenges to Hashem. Hashem loves us and helps every single one of us. Surely giving our challenges to him is the smartest move.

Incredible - I love the fact that you have such a clarity of your situation, of when your actions are controlled by lust. That can help, sometimes.

Keep on rocking!

Thanks Silent. ;D

The lust is not something unto itself, it is a by product of other evils. Bsically according to what I understand Lusting doesn't happen on it's own. It is a result of other stuff. RID. It is always a result of RID. The important part is to recognize where the rid is coming from and than know what is going on when you find yourself lusting. I feel that I am beginning to do this. Whenever I find myself lusting it is always a result of some bad feeling i am feeling at that moment. It can be even because of being very tired or very hot or very cold. all of theses things make me feel uncomfortable and may cause me to lust. Once I know that it is rid causing it. It is not me who is thinking these bad thoughts. Its the rid makin my Yetzer hara prod me to think these things. "Hey go ahead and make yourself feel better and think this stuff". Wrong. That is not the solution. That will only lead you way down hill. On the other hand. Be aware of yourself. Find out why you are lusting. What is making you feel bad now. Find out what the rid is and fix the rid. Call out to Hashem. Ask him to take on the lust and you do what you gotta do.
I find that sometimes I get all hyped up and pumped feeling like I could take on the world. I have to remember.
1. Everything is from Hashem. If I ask him to help me overcome my fears it is not that I have overcome my fears,rather hashem overcame them for me. This will help me not to get to haughty about my accomplishment.
2. This is of course the Tachbulos Hayetzer trying to get me down. Don't listen to him. He will come in every possible form to get you down.
3.???? someone help me out here????
Have a good night Chevere
Love ZD

ZD -

I have to say it this way: I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

You are growing, FEELING, understanding, you are AMAZING!!

You are climbing this mountain, called the road to recovery. You can feel the climb getting easier, the angle is leveling out, and you are almost at the top. You get over this top, you get thru the 5th step call, and you are on the other side, starting to go DOWN HILL, coasting, toward the Recovery and FREEDOM that's back at the bottom. It's not on top, where only the birds and clouds live - Recovery is LIFE at the ground level. That means the stuff of life is still happening, BUT YOU ARE EQUIPT to handle it properly cuz of the perspective, the CLARITY you gained when you were at the summit, when you could see for miles.

Like I always say  - THANK G-D I'M A PICKLE. I wouldn't trade this perspective for the world. And if this was the only road to get here, then THANK YOU HASHEM for making me walk this path.

Kol Tuv, and I LOVE you!! KUTGW!!!

Thank you so much Steve, and thanks for the love! :-* As you wrote it really is all about perspective. I am so excited and grateful that I am developing the true perspective. I hope to continue to grow in my closeness and service to Hashem. It feels so good to know that their is a solution and that I don't need to live in this addiction for the rest of my life. I have begun to taste the amazing taste of freedom. It is truly incredible. There are no words that can describe the incredible feeling of elation that I have felt this past week. I hope to go on with a sense of humility and joy, knowing that if I keep Hashem as my guide my life will only continue to improve Be'ezras Hashem.

Perhaps our Avodah can be compared to a caterpillars journey in its development into a beautiful butterfly. At first we start off looking and feeling like a slimy worm. We felt tied down, enclosed, and trapped inside our cocoon of addiction. Hashem in all his kindness than does us a favor and gives us the strength to emerge from our cocoons and develop into a beautiful butterfly. If the caterpillar did not go into his cocoon he would have never developed into the beautiful butterfly he is today. And what freedom it is to be able to spread your wings kick off the ground and soar into the endless possibilities of the world. And truly if we keep Hashem in the captains chair our potential for growth is truly limitless. You see, only through going through that time of hardship and constraint and pain of transformation was the caterpillar able to come out so beautiful and free at the end.
We are taught in the Chassidic teachings that the descent of the Neshama into this lowly earth with all of its challenges, pain, and constraints, is only for the ultimate purpose of it's great unbounded future ascent it will experience in the heavenly spheres. This can be compared to a person who takes a few steps back in order to gain more forward momentum to leap a far distance. Those few steps back make all the difference!
Wishing you all a wonderful evening. May we all be blessed with the strength to open our eyes to the great freedom before us.
With Love,
Zalmandovid

That was a beautiful vort, Zalman Dovid. Keep up the good work. You're doing great!

Thanks Noya! And thanks for the encouragement. I have found that taking this journey one day at a time is truly the only way to go. If I count all the other days behind me it only serves to increase my tension. If I think about the future I get nervous about what will be tomorrow. I think about today. Today I need to heal and today I can do. In the end it truly is all in our head. Our Yetzer harah will find every which way to get us and he wont give up. Let us follow our lead, the one above, Hashem Elokim, and let himlead us to the true freedom.
peace out brothas,
With Love,
ZD

Shoot I missid Duvid Chaim's call today! > I am so upset and angry at the stupid accounting department of my employer! I had to spend all my time arguing with them only to find out that the mistake was because of my negligence. At the end of the day it is my fault for not understanding taxes. Life is pretty complex. Of course everything happens because Hashem has thus deemed it so. I am really upset at myself. I humbly call out to Hashem to remove the anger from my heart. Feel free to give me any Chizzuk.  . Are there any chizzuk e-mails about anger. I love those e-mails!!

My two cents:
Self knowledge
Self thought and self knowledge are the most powerful things a person can have in this world. If you don't know yourself, how can you relate to life? How can you get to know someone else if you don't even know who you are. The beginning of everything starts with you. If you know yourself you know who you are and what you need to be. You know where you are and where you need to be. You know what you want and you pray to G-d to help you get there. The 12 steps begin the process of making one self aware.

An Alien way of thinking
One of the biggest pieces of advice you will receive when entering a 12 step program is that you should get out of isolation. The addict is usually an avid isolationist. We tend to levitate towards and are often draen to the more secluded areas of the world. We oftentimes block out humanity from ourselves. We do this for different reasons. One of them is because we think we are different. Why do you think you are so different? Oh because you have a problem? Do you honestly think you are the first person to live on this earth to have this sort of problem?What do you think your an alien from a different planet? It's about time you realized you aren't that different. Once you realize this you will be able to open up a little bit. And that is where healing begins.

Divine Love
The commentaries oftentimes marvel at the immense amount of Ahavas Yisroel and Love our great leader Moshe Rabbeinu had towards the Yidden. Yet we see some things that look like they go contrary to this. After G-d in his awesomeness took the Jewish people out of Mitzrayim they complained. G-d  goes and tells Moshe Rabbeinu that he's gonna kill them off. Moshe answers Hashem:
"No, Don't kill them, because if you do what will Mitzrayim say? They may think that you, Hashem are not so powerful after all. You got what it takes to bring the Jews out but you can't keep 'em alive. Come on Moses is that really the best you could do? Basically G-d You shouldn't kill the Jews because the Egyptians are gonna say this and this about you. Is that really the best Ahavas Yisroel you have Moshe Rabbeinu? Since when is kissing up to G-d considered Ahavas Yisroel. How about the time when Moshe answered "oh g-d don't get so upset at the Jews. Why shouldn't you? Well because the Jews can't help themselves, they are an "Am Kshei Oiref"-a stubborn nation- says Moshe Rabbeinu. Ya thanks a lot moses, Ya G-d shouldn't kill us because  hey, what else can you expect from a stiff-necked nation? Where is Moshe Rabbeinu's legendary ahavas yisroel that is spoken of so reverently.
Moshe Rabbeinus true unadulterated unwavering and selfless Love to the Yidden blatantly shines forth when Moshe says to G-d that if he is going to kill the Jews than "Mechei Mi Nu Misifrecha". If your gonna get rid of them than you gotta get rid of me too. I don't want to be part of something that doesn't include these people, as flawed as they may be. So to with Hashem. We must always realize and recognize that Hashem's love towards us is constantly upon us. It is an obvious and blatant love. Even if we may not feel it or see it at times, we know it is constantly active. Our existence alone is an act of divine love. Let us all try to internalize this.

With Love,
Zalmandovid

I hope things have improved at work...how are you feeling, in general?

Thanks for asking silent. I am Boruch Hashem feeling better in General. I think my body is responding to my recovery and sometimes leaves me feeling pretty weird. Aaaanyway As for as work is concerned, I am going to be out of work pretty soon and am searching for a job. With the help of Hashem I will find one soon.
Best Regards,
Zalmandovid

Hatzlocha with finding a job!!

Your doing great!