Unfortunately, I fell last night.....

BH I did not masturbate. however, I was eating at someones house Friday night and they had some "romance books" and I looked in to read the filth. BH there was nothing major but the fact that I did not stop myself, i feel is a fall. Please make me day one on the wall....

The addiction causes us to do these crazy things, especially when in a new enviorment where we find things we didn't expect. It is good to be aware of that for the future.

And it is even better that you are so honest about it. That will help you beat this!

But you don't have to count this as a fall if you don't want...
What does everyone else think? I'm not sure.
It's not in rule #8 on this page. But maybe it's as bad as 8.3?

I don't think that should count as a fall. I went much further in the beginning of my 90 days. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I count it as a fall because my main issue was not viewing porn pictures, but more reading erotic filth. what is the difference if I read it in a book or on a computer? Am I  being too hard on myself?

It appears that the issue here is: do I consider an aveira, or more honestly: "a behavior that is bad for me", to be a breach of bottom-line sobriety? This is a question that, in my opinion, is judged by a program and between an addict and his sponsor. There is no sobriety definition in the Torah, as the Torah is about goodness and holiness, while any 12-step program in the AA tradition is about derech eretz: sanity and health (a recovering addict can then start from there towards whatever religious goals he/she may have).
If your sponsor is this website, well, I can't speak to that at all because it was not my experience. For me, if determining my sobriety definition/date were purely my decision then I run the risk of being the judge of my own sobriety - ie, what's not OK. The next step for me would likely be deciding what is OK and the next step would likely be whose wife is OK...I am dead seriousl. I stick w/SA's definition because I choose to be a member of SA, where I found sobriety. As far as playing with lust, my sponsor and I just figure: if I "play" with it  I am guaranteed to act out soon anyway - then there will be no question as to whether my date needs to be changed. Sad but true. BTW, if you are not an addict, but just have some trouble with lusting, none of this applies to you, for your basic concern is goodness vs. aveiras. Is this clear? Useful?

Thank you Dov, that was very enlightening.

Perfectnose, if your main issue was reading erotica then I agree the count should be restarted.

I was under the impression that masturbation was an issue. If that is not the case, and the issue was with reading erotica, I agree with guard that you should restart your count.

I Agree that PN has amazing courage to come on the forum the next day to discuss an issue that he could of just said to himself its not really a fall and brush it aside but was determined that he is really in for a change in his life and will do it all the way.

I can't say if you should start from day one or not. but it seems that you are strong enough to take it like a man and do "Lifnim Meshuras Hadin"!

I also think that by starting at day one it will give you the strength to fight it next time you face the same Nisayoin by not wanting to fall back again.

Ashrecho Yisroel
Efshar Letaken

ano nymous, the issue was masturbation, but the stimuli was erotica....

Thank you for the support, but I did not realize how hard it was to have a fall. All I have been thinking today is if i am falling anyway, I might as well get some more lust in the process. What doesn't help is that my mood and energy level are very low. (Depression is slowly setting in, its crazy that I can feel it but feel powerless to do anything about it except go to my doctor and get drugs)

just writting this post is giving me strength and hopefully I will get through the day...

PN

Dear PN - We love you no matter what you do. Hatzlacha making the best choices (meds, no meds, sobriety dates, etc.) for yourself always! You are very fortunate to have a chance at recovery and support in getting weller.

Dear PN,

I suggest that you defer all negative thoughts that are weighing you down, until you have several days of serious sobriety.  At that point, you will be able to think more clearly, and can reassess the situation.

Hatzlacha!

Dear PN, please read the Attitude handbook, it will cheer you up - guaranteed!

PN, a true soldier never gives up - no matter how many times he falls. This is your eternity at stake! We miss you...