Yes, Hashem certainly has an
eisek with me, though the word he chooses reminds me a bit of the be'er...i wonder why...
And I certainly believe he desires and
always desired, loves and
always loved me me more than I can love myself...
And I even believe in
myself! My real self. For reasons irrelevant to me, this
chelek eloka mima'al named Dov, lives within the context or body, if you will, of an addict. Yup, he does. And I believe that even though I (a neshoma/body - "achor vokedem") am still
ill - an addict who is paradoxically probably
even more powerless today than I was last year to control and enjoy lust - I
still get a daily reprieve so that with Hashem's chesed and gevurah I can stay sober
today, and only today. It's great!
As far as the Rebbe's "mishta'asheya bo keshe'oseh retzono" goes, I guess Rav Tzadok was not writing for an addict as I am. You see, what Hashem
does after I give my avodah to Him is really none of my business. I, as an addict, can't afford the luxury of concerning myself with stuff like that very much. In this respect, as I have written you before, I firmly go like the Nodah B'yehudah, because it works for me. (Chassidus is still my ladder of choice, though!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
). It is essential for
me to stay out of what He chooses to do, as much as it is for me to avoid questioning His will and what He does. In the same way, the past is not my domain and neither is the future. Will I be able to
mesaken my terrible aveiros? not my "eisek" (trust me, it sure
was my business
and focus in my acting out years!! Many of you know what i mean). Will I be ready for tomorrow's nisyonos? None of my business (though I sweated and worried so much about the future back then that I needed professional help - not any more, though, B"H). I am now sure He'll take care of me and my past so everything will be alright
if I mind my own business and do my job. And guess what? If
chas vesholom I
don't He'll make it alright in the end somehow, anyway. As Rebbe Nachman says, Hashem is even with a yid in gehinom - it is not the end of the road. He'll help me make it right, somehow. Woops, there I go - that's none of my business! Ahhhh!!!! ;D
This way, my sobriety is really
one day at a time/"Hayom", - in action. In my case, anything else
is lip-service.
And BTW, as i wrote above, the same exact bracha of recovery seems to continue over and over again working the 12 steps, perhaps for the rest of our lives, (11.4 years here and counting) ever deeper into deveikus, honesty, sobriety and still more deveikus leading to more honesty, deeper sobriety and - you guessed it - more deveikus!
For me, there is no "after that".