I grew up in  a normal modern home and went to a modern dayschool and high school.  My rebbim had a huge impact on me so I started learning every night when in 12th grade,  although my problem started when I was much younger.  I went to 2 years in yeshiva in ertez yisroel which included one in the mir, followed by 4 years in a yeshiva in america were I becam the top bochur and got married. the whole time I felt I was living a double life and was very imbarresed as to the fact that i would look at pics on my phone as well as read stories on the phone and if I ever had internet access I would watch videos.  materbation was all to common for me and I would cry at night becuase I was so imbarresed and I was terrified that someone would find out. B"h  no one ever has.  9 months after I got married I had a beutifull baby girl B"h,  and we moved to a small commuinty kollel which enedup being a disater and shut down.  following the kollel shut down my wife left me with no warning and took my daughter with her.  I am now divorced from her b"h as I was not so happy with her which did not help my problem.  it is almost 3 years since she left me and I do have my duagter monthly. 

I often wonder how come I am the way I am I always imagined that being the top bocher and avrech in a kollel my spirtuality would keep me from stuff like this, but as time has told I have not been strong enough to fight the overpowering yetzer harah.  I feel like I live a double life the person who I am that I have worked so hard to become, and the evil twin.  B"h in the last few week si discovered this web site and have been getting these emails,  and sinvce then I have only stumbbled Bli eiyn horah once and have gotten the chizuk to try and remain strong.

I used to think I was the only frum Jew and for sure the only yeshivish  black hat jew to have this problem eventhough I had heard about others I just could not believe it.  Although seeing that the last 3-4 years I have spent in leagal divorce issuses and  and a horrible mess with the last kollel I was in I have had real problems as depression ( which I am getting over b"h)and lonliess which is my biggest problem and makes my lust so much stronger rule my life at alot of times although hearing others storieds and cries for help has benn the biggest chizuk I have ever had so thank you as baruch Hashem I have gone 12 days with out even looking at anyhting which I shouldn't kolshechain any masterbation. IIhope to hear more tremndous chizuk stories to help me and maybe I can help some of y"all. I have some ideas which I use yo help myself but unfortunatly I do not have the time to post them now so feel free to ask me If you want.

P.S. these 12 days have been some of the happiest of my life as well I an not remeber feeling this good int he almost 15 years in which I have struggled.  I hope B"h with all y"alls help I can over come.

Hi Tzadik,

Your warm words truly touched me. We can never know why Hashem takes us through the troubles and turmoil that he does. We each have a path to take in life, and I truly believe that your finding our community is a big part of this path..

I'm sure you heard about the big "LAUNCH" of the two GuardYourEyes handbooks just last week... They aren't just "another" feature of our network, but rather, they lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work hopefully for years to come, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

GMA, you write:
often wonder how come I am the way I am I always imagined that being the top bocher and avrech in a kollel my spirtuality would keep me from stuff like this, but as time has told I have not been strong enough to fight the overpowering yetzer harah.

Dear brother, believe it or not,  you are fortunate in a way. What you have described just reflects how great you really are. The reason you may have sunk low is because you have a heiligue neshama of a high madreigah, and the sitra achra just wants all what you have to offer for itself and not for kedusha (as explained at length in Iggeres Hateshuva, perek 7). 


You also write,
I have had real problems as depression

My Rebbe used to write that behind all feelings of depression is the subconscious awareness that we are not living a life consistent with its true intent.
Based on my personal experience, you will see how any thoughts of depression and anxiety gradually melt away as we re-start to conduct our lives as Hashem really intended.

We are with you

YosefYakov, I didn't know you have so much Torah and chachma in you! We are truly fortunate to have you on the forum!

We are with you, GMA! Hopefully you will continue forward on the path of recovery as Hashem guides you and you will be able to live the rest of your life without the pain of this terrible struggle. I find I need the steps and a program to do that. I'd pour my heart ou to you but have already done it inother posts, so look at them, or not, but I wish you hatzlacha and respect you as we share a similar story. - Dov

Very exciting to hear a story like this. Mine is not so different and I know how difficult it is to stay clean for any length of time. Keep up the good feeling, I am clean at the moment for almost a week which is pretty good for me. Don't get too depressed if you fall again though, that's always when it's easy to get back into a down. Looking forward to listening to your updates.

Ashrecha Yisroel!

Hashem! look down at how your children want to be close to you & how much we struggle to be true to you.

Its amazing to see how many yiden out there are so upset with there bad addictions and keep on trying to get out of it to get closer to hashem for real. no strings attached!

So we ask of you Hashem Please help us get over are Addictions.

As I approach my old record of 23 days clean  I see the yetzer horah is trying to get his grip back on me as the last two days have been real tough espically motzei shabbos which is  usally the hardest day for me.  BUt bli eyenhorah and baruch hashem I have had the power to overcome and keep my mind, eyes and neshoma clean through this whole period.  Over the years I have treid many things to get clean and stay clean and nothing has helped but since I have found this web site and started posting and hearing all of y'alls stories as well as being able to talk about my own issues I have found the strength to daven even harder to hashem for the seyata deshmayah to over come.  I have never felt as incontrol as I do now. I hope that I can continue and that every one invovled with GUE can continue to overcome and have such strenght to purifiy ourselves and become more kodosh and closer to the riebonoh shel olam. My hop-e is that anyone else who struggles and does not know of us yet finds us and gains what they need to overcome.  b'zman hazeh we are weak and lacking the realtionship and closeness to hashem that we need and becuase of this we are very vunureable and I truly belive we can only overcome with the help of hashem and each other.

Beautiful post!

Make sure to read the GYE handbooks... that will give you so much of the knowledge and strength and perspective that you need to succeed for the long term...

As any one who has read my post knows I am now divorced.  and have been by myself for 2 years now,  When I was a bachor I wanted to get married for compaionship,  and to have some one to talk to.  yes my problem prob hurt my marruge,  although I treated my wife as a princesses would do anything for her even left seder to help her if need be,  there wasnt anything I did not do for her.  Now that I am back in my parents home I am very lonely I go away for shabbos but I only have so many places to go as most of my friends do not live in america any more.  all this does not help me and makes my temptations even worse as the lonlier I get the more I can become depressed.  any ideas how to help me right now?

First of all, if you treated your wife like a princess, why did she want a divorce? But that's not really my business, the point is, it sounds like you'd make a great husband, so go out there and FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER WIFE. Lo Tov He'yos Ha'adam Levado.

But until that happens, we can be your "spiritual" family  ;D

And make sure to always keep busy. As Chazal say "Batala Mavi Lidai Shi'amum - Idleness leads to craziness".

See our Kosher Isle for some ideas to keep busy, especially this page.

baruch hashem,  and bli eyein horah I have a have a new clean streak thank you hashem for the seyatah dishmayah to do this and thank you every one here at gue for the chizuk support and help.  Today erev Shavous and with us getting ready for kabblos hatorah I hope to use the momentum from my new streak and the kedusah of matan torah to spring board  furtherr and further so that I will tottaly overcoame.  I give a brachah to every on our network wehter struggling or has b"h bl"h already over come that we should continue our goal with Hashem;s help and he should see that we are returing to him from our wondering eyes and he rant us a new kablos hatorah so we can be at the highest level of kedushah to accept the torah follow the torah and be kovesh es yitzroh. a gut yom tov to every one and a givaldikah kablos hatorah

I updated your chart to 24 days!

I hope you had a nice Shavuos!

Just a upsate on my self B" bl"h I,m doing great the 2 handbooks are a tremendous help especially when I feel in trouble thank you

B"h I am feeling great about the new streak of mine but I also feel the yetzer becoming stronger trying to grab me as I had some real fights with myself and thanks to the GYE handbooks and most of all hte ribono shel olam I was able to overcome thank you.  I do have a fear though the I might let my guard down and then I will slip again but hopefully with the help of hashem I will be ok.  A good shabbos