I recently came across a treasure in the Otzros Ramchal - Biurim al Tenach. I want to post it in the 'smedrash with explanation but in this situation I can't keep you waiting.

So for now in short: He says that normaly the rule is that for something to happen in shomayim, there has to first be an "awakening" down here. In other words we have to take action. That's why, when it was time to destroy the forces of evil in Eretz Yisroel, Moshe Rabeinu felt that there has to first be some initiation from us. So he sent the Miraglim on his own initiative.

The Ramchal says that his mistake was, that sometimes we DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH to do anything and then we need to just stand back and wait for Hashem to "act" The reason why Klal Yisroel didn't have any strength, is because they sinned in the chet ha'egei.

Pilei plo'im -wonder of wonders. The Ramchal is telling us that if we sinned and we don't have any stength, we are exempt from doing anything. All we need to do is wait for Hashem.
To be sure, waiting for Hashem is the greatest thing we can do in any case. But when the rotten menuval tells you that you don't deserve Siyata DiSHmaya because you sinned, show him this Ramchal! 

"Hoping" hit the nail on the head. As a matter of fact, I will soon be adding a new feature to the "90-day-chart". This brilliant suggestion was sent to me by YosefYakov:

Last night while lying in bed I thought about something. As you know, the writings of the Aizal emphasize the fact that a mitzvah forms a bond between man and G-D, a bond that no matter what happens next, it is ETERNAL. The connection made by a person a Hashem is permanent (this is one of the basis of the doctrine of gilgulim, when a person that needs to come back for a specific tikun does not have to start "from scratch" but all his prior mitzvos remain forever). In the spirit of his, I thought that perhaps,  the 90 day chart should perhaps include something such as "cumulative count". When someone falls, while the regular day count is set back to zero, the cumulative day count stays at its count, and all new clean dates will the be added to it.
This way, when someone falls, they should not feel discouraged that their previous avoda went to waste and that they have to constantly start from scratch without having nothing to show for it. Besides getting credit for past accomplishments, this would reflect more accurately what actually occurs "above".

WOW that is brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?

Dear, sweet fellow addict:

Your contribution to this thread is indispensable! Here is my share to you be"H:

#1: I love you because you are a fellow nivroh; especially because you are a yid; and especially because you are a fellow addict. In fact, the more pain of failure and loss that your share in your posts, the more I love you. In addition, the ahava/respect I have for you will never change, even if you get better, because I believe that "once an addict always an addict" (so it's not an ahava that is teluyah b'davar!).
Love means: I will do anything I can to help you, without any expectation of payment, at all. It also means I will help you gladly, and the only thing you can do for me would be to benefit from my help.

Before i go on, please pause a moment and think: Can you believe me? please take note of your answer (maybe write it out?) and then continue...

#2: You may have heard/read divrei Torah in a similar vein, but please just forget all the chochmos for now and consider your own "torah", your own emess. I'll share mine with you: Certainly Hashem loves you more than I do, more than your daughter does, and more than anyone ever did, or will. He must also even love you if and while you are acting out, actually. Not approve, but love - and love the same.
This is very important.
Whenever I calmly think about:
a- "who/what" Hashem is,
b- that He created us al korcheinu (pirkei avos) and even though He didn't have to at all, and that
c- He must be freely and only giving since He has no needs at all, I recognize that bishvili nivrah haolam really means that He is 100% totally - unconditionally - ON MY SIDE and always will be.

How about you? Can you accept that? Even partway? I believe acceptance of this fact was an indispensable ikkar of 12-step recovery for me. I actually came to it by doing my fourth step, truly recognizing and accepting for the first time who I really am (good and bad) and realizing that Hashem still has a relationship with me! Shortly after that (it was 1.5 years in the program), I discovered completely by chance that I could actually smile at who I saw in the mirror, for a change. It was incredible. And it still is.

#3: You call acting out "defying Hashem". I doubt you ever acted out to defy Hashem, at all. But I guess you are choosing to view the evil of what you did from His perspective. So, let's get perspective here: I believe we all "defy Hashem" really, as we are ultimately all selfish ignoramuses when it comes to recognizing our total and constant dependence on Him, yisborach, yes or no? And we probably always will be. The best we can ever do is really not much. (our tafkid here is to recognize we are handicapped and react with a resounding: AF AL PI CHAYN! HERE I GO! - and do a mitzvah besimcha, rather than to lie to ourselves and pretend - out of gaavah - that we SHOULD at least have some of the hisbatlus of the avos. Don't you/we blame many such lackings on our acting out, "if only I wouldn't be so bad"?) Even when we do His Will, it's us deciding to do it, no? That itself is selfish in a sense (not bad, mind you, just selfish). The malochim were correct when they tayneh'd vs. Moshe rabeinu - and his answer wasn't an argument with the facts, just "hey, do you have kin'ah, die, desire, steal, etc?") And He still wants our shirayim of avodah! Remember the story of rav saadiah, or whoever it really was, and the inkeeper who recognized him only after his stay at the inn? he said "I'd have done better yesterday had I only recognized you for who you really were!" and the tzaddik's reaction was to burst into tears and cry to Hashem: My avodah of yesterday is a shame to me today, for i know You better today! Gevalt! Forgive me and help me do better! - then he moved on!) This is an indispesible reality-check as well, I believe.

(This is not to say, "why bother trying to be a tzaddik, or any better at all!" No, I am just pointing out that if you want to call your choices "defying Hashem" or "evil", then at least recognize that the best any of us will likely ever do is still rather pathetic, though every bit of improvement towards goodness and perfection - His Ratzon - is precious beyond our ken. That's just what we are! Like babies w/o true da'as, compared to Him.)

So, please consider some alterations to your perception of reality and "cool your jets" of self-condemnation - and you'll be able to get better.


Please pardon my harshness, in summation, but I believe it is our YH that says: "Hashem only really loves me when I am good (if He loves me at all), and even then only after I do some teshuva", and "but what I did was worse, so His hands are tied and he can't be in love with me!". These (normal) sentiments (particularly for us who have been taught the standards hashem wants us to live up to for our own benefit) are rubbish. They are poison and were a convenient cop-out for me, actually, leading only to a downward spiral and to a more unrealistic understanding of HKB"H.

Some quotes from you and my shares to you:

"regret that I have lost yet another streak I do not know if I should stay on the list or chart as I cant seem to fight any more how far I have fallen from who I was"
I'd like to know who fed you the idea that if you only try hard enough, you will "beat it". Who told you that you are locked in a mortal combat of wills against lust? Whoever it was, they may want to re-evaluate because it seems that you only need to fail a few more times before you have no more ability to fight - and then what? Apparently you will just keep losing, basically giving in to what you call the YH completely, no? You sound just as I did once upon a time. I was sure I'd get better. Later I wasn't so sure. Finally - after meds, shrinks, near-arrest and near-death twice and near-divorce, I was sure I'd never get better but drew comfort from the fact that I'd keep my secret to the grave. Not a life for a nice jewish boy.

My dear friend GMA, This is not the way of the program that I am familiar with, at all. No, the 12-step program that works for me and others is not for the man who needs help to try harder - though it'd help him, too - it is for the one who is hopelessly lost and realizes he cannot win because there is something wrong with him. It's especially for the one who everyone else finally gives up on. He needs an honest and realistic partnership with the G-d he thought he had. (You can read about this in "The Doctor's Opinion" at the beginning of AA) The program I know says to this one, the she-eino yodeah lish'ol (or maybe even the rasha?): There is hope, even for you! Just take these steps. (You can read exactly this, at the start of ch 5 in AA) We are talking about your life, here.

"how can I expect him to be good for me or even provide good for me if keep on falling to my yetzer harah and defying Hashem?"
Well, see the above (and Tomer Devorah) to see that Hashem is big enough to be really, really good - even to you. Please see the Heiligeh Divrei Chayim in Toldos (or Vayeitzei?) on the posuk: vayikra lo keil, elokei yisroel  to see exactly how Hashem takes "revenge" on people like us! Amazing. It tells my life story all the way through, BTW!)
Again, if you have a love-affair with this "yetzer hora" business, good luck. But if you look honestly inside and decide that you may be addicted, then consider reading AA's first couple of chapters for Bill's story, then decide if you are just as hopeless as he was. If you are, we have an answer that may work for you as it does for us.

"Instead I have brought this terrible illness of lust upon myself and I feel until I break it nothing postivie will come to anymore as I do not deserve it"
More of the same. Maybe you are at fault for bringing this terrible illness upon yourself, maybe not. I don't know. Kaballah seforim have much to say about proclivities, responsibility, bad levushim from one's parents, etc. It is all a complicated and confusing issue, really. It is also irrelevant. What I do know is that you are calling it an "illness". To me that is a worthy of a rikud (hopefully with the berdichever!) as it may mean that you feel in some way ill. Now maybe you'll consider that perhaps you are handicapped and stop beating yourself up. I hope you will get the help that ill people like you and I need instead of doing what I did for over ten years: watch my life go by in a valiant struggle.

"get a relationship with the ribono shel olam"
Bingo - You hit the nail on the head! If this is what you really want then you'll be OK. But first, recognize the relationship you already have, as above, and learn how to go from there.

"the loneliness gets too much for me, I turn only to hashem and the hand books for help," 
Again, you are obviously a deep and holy Jew, yet you are still lonely. Now, how about connecting a little more than you currently are, with other lust addicts? This forum is a nice start, but being in a chevra and having a human sponsor/role model was indispensable to me.

I love you!

Dov

I have not gone away I have just needed a few days to completly process all of y'alls kind words and chizuk.  I feel like i am in a tornado being spun in all different directions.  trying to piece my life back together from the caos of the last 2 years.  B"H you every ones words have been a huge boost and chizuk for me and I am clean since sunday which means 4 days.  I am most scared about the hardest 2 times for me which are coming up motzei shabbos and sunday.

Dear GMA - feel free to call me each of those times, if you'd like to have another addict to talk to then. It would help me a lot, too. Message me back tomorrow (thursday, that is, as I can't get to a computer on fridays) if you want my phone number...Dov

I often wonder why Me or any of us were put into our matzev and struggle with our problem.  I often think that we are tzadkim because we are tested with the greatest yatzer horah there can be.  as well chizuk to me is the great reward there can be if we can over come.  all in all Hashem has given us a trendous oppertunity to over come and be come close with the ribonoh shel olam. clean for 5 days baruch hashem

That's wondeful gma! Keep up the good work.

P.S. Please read the attitude handbook. It discusses the very points you bring up in your post!

I am scared of motzei shabbos but I yearn for shabbosh kodesh baruch hashem 6 days now

I updated your chart...

We all want to hear good news on Sunday that you made it past this Motzai Shabbos!

Remember, when the neshama Yesaira leaves, it leaves a void in it's place. That is why Motzai Shabbos is so hard. Make sure to eat Melaveh Malka and put on some good music. We are here for you dear friend.

B"h my night is over I I feel great to say 7 days clean

Hashem has great Nachas Ruach from you, my friend. May he send you bracha in all areas.

You have to celebrate! Imagine how you would feel if you just did some really special mitzvah (like saving a life) In many ways this accomplishment is much bigger than that. So it's time to CELEBRATE!

The Arizal says that happines gives the energy to grow, like water to a plant. (If c'v one does an aveiroh with joy, the aveiroh" grows and) when one does a mitzvah with joy it GROWS!!!

Today might have been one of the hardest days I have had but b"h 8 days

8 symbolises "Lemaalahmiderech hateva" -supernatural, which is what beating the addiction is all about!