Dear GMA,
Please read the GYE handbook. I quote here from the introduction:
We may have tried to do Teshuvah many times in the past, but the standard model of Teshuva (Azivas Hachet, Charata and Kabbala al Haba) doesn’t work for us very well anymore. Addiction is a type of disease, and our Sages understood the nature of addiction as Rebbe Asi said: “The Yetzer Harah in the beginning is compared to a strand of a spider web, and in the end like a rope that is used to tie cattle”. Even more so, in this area where our Sages have said: “The more it is fed, the hungrier it gets”. Our Sages also recognized that once a person repeats a particular sin a number of times “it becomes to him as if it is permitted”. Therefore, the standard Teshuvah techniques are not usually sufficient in our case anymore. The nature of the addiction is analogous to someone standing on the railroad tracks while he watches the train bearing down on him, and yet he can’t move himself out of the way. And as Rabbi Twerski puts it in his book “Addictive Thinking”: We place our hands on the stove, get burned, and yet we feel compelled to do it again.
Therefore on GYE, instead of the standard Teshuvah model, we begin to change our entire attitude. We learn the tools and techniques of how to sidestep the Lust, instead of trying to fight it head on. And we learn how to give our disease over to Hashem and live with His help, instead of trying to use our own strengths to fight something so much stronger than us.
With the proper guidance, we start to see a genuine change in ourselves that we never believed was possible. At GYE we are finally joining together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to strengthen the Yesod - the very foundation of our people.
Dear GMA, you need to implement the tools of the handbook, one by one. You need REAL accountability, in REAL LIFE. You need the 12-Steps; have you tried joining one of the 4 anonymous phone conferences that GYE offers (see
here)? You may need even live-12-Step groups, you may need therapy, etc...
I don't want to be mean or judgmental at all, but it seems you are not hearing what we are telling you. I repeat these same things so many times here on your thread over the past months, and so did Dov, but instead of responding to our advice or taking it seriously, you just come back here "crying" that you need to do Teshuvah and asking for help.
We love you GMA, but you have to start to "hear" what we have been telling you all along.