Kutan?
Efshar?

Thanks Steve.

I had a humbling experience at work today. I was getting all sure of myself because I had a really great couple of days at work this week, but today some of my work was found to be faulty (even though some if it was still good). I feel that I was taken down a notch.
My ego is hurting, and I'm trying to not let this get me down too much.
Why do I care so much what other people think of me and my work?
Why can't I focus on the fact that I did a lot of good this week, even though some of what I thought was good really wasn't in the end?
Why focus on the negative? Why do I demand perfection of myself? Nobody's perfect, besides HaShem.

Hi everyone.

I'm not back on the forum. I just thought it would be fair to post once more to let all of my friends and supporters know that yesterday was my 90th not-acting out day. A year ago I told people here that my doing 90 days would be impossible. Baruch shechiyani vekiyimani, vehigiati lazman ha-ze! Thank G-d I'm alive to live this moment!

I feel that for me, it's time to stop counting days, or weeks. Maybe stop counting at all. Just live life with the fact that p*rn isn't a good option anymore for my anxiety. I have other healthier tools to deal with anxiety (what you guys might know as R.I.D.). Going for a walk. Playing with my kids. Talking to my wife. Talking to myself. Talking to my therapist. Upping my medication dosage (just kidding, sort of). 

I sort of feel like I've passed the first level of a video game. It feels good, but you know when the screen displays "Level 2: Start" that the work has just begun. Now, I'm no longer hiding from the real issues by running to p*rn, I can work on the real issues that took me to p*rn. For example, I'm working on my anger, which is just another way of acting out from anxiety, just not sexually. Again, my point is that the p*rn isn't the problem. The anger isn't the problem. The issues that cause the anxiety that brings me to anger (and used to take me to p*rn) are the problem.

Thank G-d I'm finally living, no longer surviving. However I'll be honest, living in the "real" world IS harder than living in the "fantasy" world we create for ourselves when we surf p*rn. But, ask yourselves this: At the end of your lives, do you want to say to yourselves (and I guess to G-d) that you lived, faced challenges, and dealt with them maturely and as best you could, or do you want to say that you lived your lives in a virtual dream world, cut off from your families and from reality, and didn't face any of the challenges you were put here to face?

You might ask yourselves, that's fine after 120 years, but what's in it for me now (living a "real" life)? Here's the instant payback for us: "Real" relationships take much more work than "virtual" ones, but they are much, much more real and satisfying.

If anyone in the future wants to contact me, I'd be ticked pink. Just PM me, and I'll get it in my email. OK, I wont' lie, I'll probably check this page in a day or two to see if anyone responded to this post. 

Love you all. Thanks for your prayers and support. G-d bless.

I feel like you guys are writing to me stuff like "Keep up surfing MOMO as long as you're happy."

WTF?

Do you guys really think I'm happy feeling out of control? Being a slave to myself?
Do you guys really think I'm happy wasting 90 percent of my work day surfing and not working? Falling way behind in my schedule? Covering up for myself at work?
Do you guys really think I'm happy having an emotional-less and non-physical relationship with my wife? Lusting after other women?

For weeks I've numbed myself and taught myself not to feel any guilt. Now, by your writing and asking me to write I've started to feel again, and da*n you all, now I'm getting emotional.

How can you ask me to stop lusting? It's too powerful! You guys more than anyone should know this.