Hey AT,

If you need someone to talk to so could I. I am also in a bad state of mind and need some clarity. Maybe we can help each other?

-Yiddle

aryehtahor wrote on 11 Jun 2010 00:40:


aryehtahor wrote on 11 Jun 2010 02:11:


1. Out of control; impulses ruining your life.
2. Don't yet feel the urgency of the struggle.

Huhhh? Or in other words, I'm glad you made Elya's call and that you're feeling committed to working the steps. But I hope the disconnect between #1 and #2 gets resolved soon - it sounds like a tough place to be.

Have a great Shabbos.

aryehtahor wrote on 11 Jun 2010 00:40:


Hey Aryeh,

This sounds a lot like step 1 of the 12 steps: We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Sounds to me like you are powerless and your life seems unmanageable...

What do you think?

-Yiddle

Hi Yiddle,

Yes I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. I would like to be in touch with you, if you are interested. Can you message me with an email or phone number?

Thanks

Still wallowing in the muck, but I got a sponsor and am ready to start working the steps!

Shabbos was a major lift. B''H I feel so much more together and ready to fight for my life against the Y''H. Motzei Shabbos I couldn't sleep till 3 am and I battled all night not to contact her...and won! Today I told her we can't speak anymore and I'm going strong. Just gotta make sure I don't stop at her house tomorrow when I'm passing by!

Yes! I'm back home and didn't visit her on my way. May hkbh enable me to go from strength to strength.

Hey, it's been a while - how are you doing?

Hi Everyone,

My posting has been very sporadic, something I've wanted to change but somehow I get really caught up in things and we all know the YH likes isolation.

I've had some victories lately. I've been clean (no porn, masturbation, or actual sex) for I think 4 days. This is actually a big achievement for me and it's been hard. I said goodbye to the gentile woman I had been having relations with. That was easy but the hard part is not getting lustful and calling her. So far so good, and I've been davening a lot to Hashem, speaking in my own words. I'm reading "The Garden of Emuna" and almost finished it, which really encourages talking to Hashem frequently in one's own words. Although Arush is a Breslover and Breslover's are into that, I feel that it has helped me a lot even as a stam Jew.

I'm surrounded by so many dangers. I literally live in a city of total depravity, surrounded by college kids (read: young women who don't wear anything) and a very weak Jewish community. I daven in a shul of Am Ha'aretzim who aren't at all serious about yiddishkeit, although I thank Hashem that the Rav there is very chashuv and that he and I have a good kesher.

But every day I ask myself why is Hashem putting me through this? I'm 25, unmarried, living alone, surrounded by temptations, in a place void of real Yiddishkeit and all I want is to immerse myself in a Torah environment. It feels impossible for me to take care to eat well, stop smoking, take care of myself, and of course, control my eyes. IYH I will be in Yerushalayim in 5 months, but until then I have to be here to get my degree. I've acted out so terribly and its caused me great fear and suffering. Please Hashem, help me get through this period without too many stains on my soul!

Inspiration is important - but you need to make sure that you use the period of inspiration to instill real change, change that will ast you through the periods of weakness and desire, and urges.

And you can do that. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Not just because that'll keep you clean in the long term, but because each minute is incredibly valuable. Remember that. When you feel an urge, remember that right now, every second that you wait, every time you turn away and do something else, every time you distance yourself from those behaviors...you're building something beautiful. You're building a life for yourself, you
re building a connection to hashem, you're getting back in touch with your soul.

And what better time of year is there for that, than right now? We have to face the fact that we live in a messed up world. Because of our aveiros, reality has been twisted and shattered. And we're forced to live in that world, grow in that world, and mourn the loss of all that was.

And yet, at the same time, to grow within this world, and to reconnect to hashem. To refocus ourselves.

And that's exactly what you're doing. May our tears be true tears, that speak of a truly understanding of what we've lost, and help us focus on what we need to do, how we need to grow.

By the way - in your shul of am ha'aratzim, is there any way you can give them, help them? Maybe learn with them?

Perhaps that would help you in many ways...

Dear SB,

It means a lot to me that you still read my pathetic posts on The Wall. I think I've been falling into the trap of blaming my situation in life for my falls. I think I am, in fact, in a difficult place in life. It's transitional; I'm trying to be frum but I'm stuck in an environment inimical to that which was decided I would be in well before being frum was on the horizon. So I can complain that it's hard, that women aren't dressed tznius, that I don't have a proper shul or bais medrash to go to, that I'm not where I want to be, that it's hard for me to break all my bad habits, blah blah blah blah blah

But none of that is really the point. A stronger man than I would not only survive with his neshama intact, but would flourish with the opportunities available. I'm trying to just get through this period of being isolated from kedusha and my main goal is to make it out the other end without cause for shame, saying I acted erlich and did my best. My work is cut out for me, and no amount of blaming my situation and making excuses is going to help me. I'll only know after 120 how culpable I really am for the falls I've had....

If you are using the word pathetic, than you owe me some money, cos you just used my middle name! Maybe I can buy a day or two of being sober (am on day 9 today) Thank you for your post, its keeping me sober in this moment, right now! Thank you and keep strong!  Please write more on how you fight the yh, if you can.

aryehtahor wrote on 21 Jul 2010 02:42:


Bull*&^#.

Difficult situations can be almost impossible to surmount, even for the strongest people. And even in better situations, things aren't easy. For years, I gave in to my desires for emotional and physical intimacy, for my need of closeness, even when surrounded by the largest frum community in america. Neediness really is that strong, and it exerts a lot of power over us.

You keep getting up, and that's the important thing. But you need to realize that you don't have to live like this. You do have the capacity to make the decisions necessary for changing the way things are going. Read my recent post on my thread, about things that lead to bad situations. DO you have anything like that in your life?

And by the way...it would be nice to hear from you on my thread, too - you're not the only pathetic person here!  :D Drop by, read, comment...not only on my thread, but on other people's, as well. You may find that being more a part of our community, giving support to others, can help you.

I think posting more on other threads is a good idea. I will try, but it's hard now because I suddenly have a lot of work on my plate ( a mixed blessing ).