OK, I'm back again and I hope to be posting more in the future.

I took kind of a lazy attitude and tacitly decided that I don't care that much, and it's only once in a while, and what's the big deal anyway?

So yeah, I guess I COULD go through life with a dirty secret, and a messed up future marriage etc. But why would I want that?

SO, I'm starting a new count to 90 days. I have accountability software on my computer which has been effective in scaring me about the embarassment I will feel when my rebbe sees a list of the sites I visit when acting out. Then I found a way to get smut back on my iPhone. So I just sold my iPhone (didn't need it much anyway). I think that's everything I can do in the way of barriers.

The real work is in finding alternative fulfillment. I looked at the handbook and decided that is the relevant stage for me. Because my addiction is not about actual masturbation (I haven't done that in a while, bli ayin hara), and it's not even really about lust, it's about a quick and easy fix, some effortless entertainment, a way to procrastinate, and to get a cheap thrill. Except when I start I can't stop. So the solution to that is to get involved in something else and really be engaged.

1 day at a time, I know can get there.

Good to hear from you! it sounds like you're taking some major steos, but more importantly, you're also keeping in mind that it's one day at a time that's important. Slow, steady work.

Rock on!

OK so just wasted a lot of time on YouTube with some pretty innapropriate things. Note to self : Youtube and Facebook are dangerous now that I don't have "the hard stuff". Still, I guess it's better than what I was looking at before.

It has become clear to me that I've made as many fences as is reasonable. I can't attack the problem that way.

In fact, fences can be a real cop-out. After falling, we say in a rage "I'm never doing that again" and we nonchalantly throw our computer out the window, or get the strongest filter in the world and accountability etc. etc. That's easy! That takes no psychological work whatsoever. That is the easy way out.

Fences are necessary, yes, but they are not the ikkar. The ikkar is that we need to change. I've got a filter, accountability software, I sold my iPhone, and theres nothing else I can really do. So fine. Now it's time for some "alternative fulfillment". If I could only get past my laziness and do something useful...

I agree - but be careful. You're right, fences are not the main thing. But we need them so that we don't fall into the holes while we're doing the work we need to do.

The only way to get over laziness, is to...do it. Get up, make the changes you need to. We both know you CAN do it!

Whew, it's been a while and really, a total joyride with lust. It's almost like someone put another brain in me that made me lust 24/7 and then took it out and I'm wondering to myself "what happened?".

Anyway, I'd like to post something I was writing a couple weeks ago.
"
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My thoughts drifted to ancient times, better times, when we Jews were one people with one Torah. Our Torah is so beautiful and divine and we have suffered so much for it and have reached the 40th level of impurity. The whole story, the suffering, the righteousness, the yearning, it just took over and I sobbed. I sobbed for my people, for myself, for history, for the Ribbono Shel Olam.

Our world now is sad. We are afraid to walk the streets. Intellectual darkness reigns, the world is in total confusion, man is reduced to animal. But I read the stories of Abraham in Breishis and light is shone down here We are not totally lost. I am a part of his family! While the other peoples of the world were sacrificing their children to a fire god, my people were righteous, strong, purposeful, gentle, loving, kind and profound. We were committed to our ideals, we were on one side and the world on the other. We had the courage to answer to the Master of the Universe and not to base desires. That is my heritage! I was born with this incredible lineage!

But I am selling it for the proverbial “red stuff” that Esau sold his birthright for. The immediate gratification trumps all. I am addicted to lust and I am selling away my birthright for them. In the next world, I will see what I could have been, I will see the truth of my life. Do I still have the power to redeem myself? My life could end at any time. Ribbono Shel Olam, give me the strength to earn your favor again. Give me my chance at redemption.

Living in the way of sin removes a person from the world. I feel too ashamed to show myself in front of those whom I used to be excited to see. I recede into my own dream world, running from destiny. I don’t want someone bursting my bubble of self-indulgence, so I stay away.
"

Anyway, I want to try to post on GYE every day, just to stay connected and feel accountable. I find that when I stop going on the forum, it's a bad sign.

PS : It was exciting to see that we have a new record for most users at one time!

Welcome back, my friend. But please remember that you're having a moment of clarity - and unless you do something concrete, that clarity will fade.

I hope to see you here, posting about how things are going!

OK so I"m going to use the clarity I got from this binge and begin now. My plan involves several steps, designed to cease the destructive behavior,

1.Get back to davening with a minyan and keeping basic mitzvos (shabbos, kashrus, shomer negia, tefillin, etc.)
2.Block communication with the woman I have been seeing
3.Arrange fixed times for Torah study every day
4.Post here frequently, and get on the chart again.
5.Get exercise at the gym regularly
6.Call someone when I feel that I'm in trouble

These tools will be my attempt at simply stopping the behavior. I've been told that is the key thing at first before the tshuva can start. So here I am, back at square one, hoping I've hit bottom while still (relatively) on top.

I would suggest posting those things as a checklist of some sort in your room.

I would also recommend that you stay in touch with someone even while you're doing well.

Progress today.

Was up for Shacharis, amazingly. Haven't talked to her at all. I can't even analyze or think about my problem. I am in the thick of it so much that I don't really have perspective on it. I'm just trying to stop the behavior no matter what.

Sounds like a plan. Glad to hear things are going well.

I assume you've already deleted her number, blocked her email, and taken whatever steps you can to prevent contact from either side?

I've taken action but I'm really struggling not to instant message her. Trying to be immersed in Torah but I'm so distracted. She's such an easy distraction. Come on, I can do this!

I'm really down in the dumps. I can't see out into the world, I'm just so dominated by my addiction. It's all centered around my ex-girlfriend who I started seeing again (in order to sate my lust) and I'm totally obsessed with her now, although it's not really "her" it's more how she makes me feel. I tried to stop talking to her but I craved the rush, adrenaline, whatever of talking or being with her.

Theres definitely an element of self-flagellation in this too, which I wonder if anyone else experiences. I want her to find me disgusting, because that's how I see myself. I want her to look down on me and insult me, but at the same time I want her to be there for my lust. I just need to cut her off but I find that extremely difficult right now. In fact, I've started messaging her almost desperately after not contacting her for a couple days. It's hard for me to see her as a person. I project all sorts of ridiculous things onto her and use her for my fantasies, be they sexual or self-lacerating.

I don't really understand what's going on, but I know that I'm out of control and impulses are ruling my life. I no longer have the strength to say "no" and I almost impulsively say "yes" every time. Just a few hours ago I was z''l. I'm starting to hate myself more and more and I'm sucking everyone and everything I have down with me.

AryehTahor: Wow.
What are you DOING to get out of the claws of your addiction? What are your PLANS to get out?

Ahdunno, maybe SA meetings or phone support or individual therapy or whatever. You say that you KNOW this is out of control and you need help. That means you're saying that it's bigger than the skillset you feel you have.

So you seem to have two choices:
1) grow your own skill set to handle all this, or
2) gather some firepower for beyond yourself.

If you don't trust the size of your own skill set right now (and it sounds like that's the case), then you're gonna need to connect to additional firepower. At least those are the options as I think I'm hearing them.

Then again, I'm not there with you; and I'm not you. What do YOU think?

Thanks Briut.

I just said over some of this stuff on Elya's phone group. My plan at the moment is to get a sponsor and start DH's 12 step phone group.

I'm procrastinating the 12 steps because I'm too comfortable destroying myself in an apartment with comfy furniture. I don't yet feel the urgency of the struggle, but the more I put it off, the less urgent it seems until it's too late. So I'm going to dive headlong into this thing. I mean, if I'm not working the steps, then what else can possibly work?