Staying solid.

I realized one amazing thing about GYE is that it is *always* available whenever the bad stuff is available. For other things, say alcoholism, one may encounter alcohol and not have any immediate source of perspective or guidance or warning or mussar or whatever and you will just fall immediately. But whenever a person has internet access he can always choose to go to GYE instead of porn. And if he doesn't have internet access, then....no problem!

It has happened to me several times now that I think "hmm I wonder if I could peek at some dirty pictures" and instead I just click on my GYE bookmark and get engrossed reading some posts here instead. It's not that I'm forcing myself to come here instead of looking at porn. I genuinely like reading posts on this site and it serves many of the purposes that porn used to serve, especially relieving boredom and the desire to procrastinate / take a break from doing work. I recognize that when push comes to shove, I'll have to pull out the big guns, but for the time being, this is very effective.

Thats a great realization AT. However, this wont make the problem go away. We need to work on ourselves, not the issue of internet. There's something rooted deep inside us that needs to be fixed. Blocking th internet or even having GYE as your homepage will not break the habit.

Keep on keepin' on!

-Yiddle

I think AT realizes that - that's what he meant by the "big guns" - am i right?

However, I would agree with Yiddle, and recommend that you deal with the issues, and work on growing, before push comes to shove. Much easier that way.

AT: We're at a similar count of days. It's my first time. Seems a little easier on the physical and willpower scales, and a little harder on the psychological and motivation scales. I've been sitting around most of the day reading old posts (my thread and others'), asking myself how I got into this place and where I'm hoping it might take me. Questions that are impossible even to fathom, much less answer. Still, my mind is racing: restlessly, irritably, even depressingly, toward looking for clues.

I don't know if any of this is getting your head to nod in agreement. Your situation may be very very different. But just sharing the idea that my body feels exhausted and the food feels tasteless and and and... Well, it might bring you a little comfort or at least clarity. If so, PM for more. If not, I'll hope you know where the 'scroll down' key is.

I daven that things should continue to go well for you, in accordance with His plan.

Hey Aryehtahor!! How are you doing?? Seems like your really getting places. Your attitude as is apparent in your last post, is really awesome.

And thanks briut for that post. It was nice to read. thanks.

Actually, Yiddle and SB you bring up a good point. I'm wondering now if I really do have something inside me that needs fixing. Am I really an addict? The last 30-ish days have been suspiciously easy. No big struggles, or realizations. I just go to GYE whenever I'm at my computer and want to procrastinate or whatever, basically anytime I would have gotten sucked into pornography. It's true, I felt a pull to pornography that would get me stuck on it for hours at a time. But it doesn't feel like there's something deeper going on with me, some underlying issue, or pathology, or if there is, I don't know what it is...

I hear everyone shouting "NO! YOU ARE AN ADDICT! THAT'S YOUR Y''H SPEAKING".

Wow, on second thoughts, you're right. What am I thinking? I used to be stuck on the computer for HOURS looking at dirty pictures without even enjoying it! I had relations with a prostitute! I fantasized frequently just for fun! I must be an addict!

But I still don't know the answer to my main question. Why have the last 30 days been so uneventful? Oh well, can't really complain!

It may because of your approach. your attitude. it can be because of many things. But we need to realize that we are addicts. Why, you may ask?? because if not, we start getting to cocky and we arent so aware and we take things easy..........................and before we know it were right where we started. This is proven by many on this forum. There are many that have gone for long times , some 4 months some 7 months and some even more and fell. And they will all say it came form one thing. Starting to think that im over this and i dont need to be on the lookout like i used to.

So be happy your having an easy time. But never forget....once an addict always an addict!

hatzlacha my friend and wshing you all the best.

Case study in the Y'H :

Last night I had an idle moment before going to bed. I thought I'd check out an apparently harmless website. The website advertised a song for download. I recognized the title of the song as a song that had been stuck in my head from involuntarily hearing it blasted from the house next-door. Downloading a single song is cheap, and I suddenly had a strong desire to hear it because, despite being completely inane and innapropriate and SUNG BY A WOMAN, it was catchy and I wanted it. Immediately. So I downloaded the song and listened to it, and now it's hard for me to stop listening to it (because it's catchy and I'm the sort of person who listens to songs over and over and over again).

And I realized something.

This song, which, again, is sung by a young woman and talks about very untznius topics as one would expect from trashy pop, it's pure audio pornography. It's filth in audio form. The only reason I want to listen to it is the same reason I need to look at girls walking down the street and the same reason I couldn't stop looking at pictures and movies and reading stories etc. etc. etc.

Lust.

Talk about the Y'H coming in through the back door!

UPDATE : I permanently deleted the song.

Nice! Good job!

Very insightful, as well - keep in mind that when we talk about issues that need to be worked on, that doesn't mean that you're crazy. It just means that you have issues - welcome to the real world, most people have issues. Appreciate the fact that you've realized that you need to work on yours!

Regarding your song:

Amazing how much of popular culture has become plain old sexuality. Without a drop of further content.  Gets worse every year.

Makes it difficult to distinguish compulsions from living in the world, in my opinion. Or, maybe there's another world hanging out somewhere.

You're doing a good thing in deleting the song permanently. Sh'koiach.

ARG I'm struggling here...

I've become a mess. My sleep schedule is totally off, I feel dazed and confused, cut off from the world, undeserving of kindness from people or G-d. As I walked home from my class today I spoke to Hashem but I felt embarassed both that I felt I didn't deserve anything and that I wasn't even being sincere. I just wanted to try to talk to Hashem anyway. Hashem has already given me so much, and I return the favor by being sloppy with brachas and sloppy with davening and gazing at women all the time. I feel very disconnected from Torah and my emunah feels gone. I don't know if it's caused by my environment or what. (Maybe when I finally graduate and go to Yeshiva things will be different?).

Also, this stupid song has been stuck in my head for days! I bought it, deleted it, and then last night I slipped and went on YouTube to watch the music video which was mostly a scantily clad girl prancing around and doing very immodest things. I'm not sure if that knocks me back to square one, because it wasn't actually pornography, but I guess it amounts to the same thing. And the song just won't leave my head!

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Any chizuk appreciated as always.

Hey aryeh,

I read through your thread today and want to congratulate you for being such a warrior in the face of strong enemies. A wimp like me wouldn't last a day in secular college, which is your place of combat I assume, and it's just amazing how you're going on such a long streak despite that environment. And listen, pal, everyone has days where they feel "dazed and confused, cut off from the world, undeserving of kindess from people or G-d." That's where KOT comes in.

Sometimes people get in these moods, funks if you will. But that's all they are. Moods. Funks. When you're in these moods you can't see the end, everything looks hopeless. Just like the way I felt yesterday in the afternoon. I felt that I couldn't defeat the yetzer hara. But then I called a friend to pull me out of the swamp I fell into, and he helped me out. Keep on posting, and we'll help you get out of funks fast. But sometimes they can be persistent and you just need to truck it through.

As for the music issue, try replacing it with good stuff. Chopin is good. Rachmaninov too.

Shkoyach NOYA. Good ideas, especially on the Chopin and Rachmaninov. They happen to also be favorites of mine.

Like NOYA says, we all have days when we feel like that - but you know what? Hashem is there for us anyway, especially when you've shown, time and time again, how much you want to be close to Him.

Our environment certainly effects us, but you can struggle through, and fight to feel things anyway. Don't wait till next year, build yourself a solid foundation now - and then next year, things will really explode!

B'H my davening was better today. I feel humbled enough that I am ready to come back to the embrace of Hashem.

The Y'H however, is upping the ante. I feel a very strong desire to find porn right now. So I'm posting here instead...