rashkebehag wrote on 13 May 2009 20:53:


I relate to what you wrote about stress and Dov's reply, I use my a/o as means of escaping, I do not like facing difficult / painful situations and use addictive behaviours to medicate - this shows me that my addiction is not the problem, but there is something underneath that I am runnig away from. You write that " am genuinely keeping away the stressfull situation is not letting up, only getting worse" From my experiance sobriety is the foundation, once I am sober I can begin to deal with whatever I have been running from.  As Dov so rightly states the first step is the only step that mentions the addiction by name.  On a practical level though, I did in therapy stress management, I used to get into work in the morning and within a few minutes become so overwhelemed with what I needed to do (the same in my personal life) that I would go into addict mode.  The steps and therapy have shown me to do the next right thing, how to prioritise. The Serenity prayer has helped me "Hashem grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

One of the most helpful readings for me when I am in stresful situations is the passage from Acceptance from the Big Book - "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes"

Reading your post and reminding myself of the tools is a powerful message for myself how to live life on lives terms without acting out.

London

Thank you Dov and London for your wonderful answers!

Rashkebahag, I suggest reading the story that London referred to. It's widely quoted in AA, It's called "They Stopped in Time" and it's about earning true Acceptance. Click here.'

Also, I happened upon an article TODAY about how to deal with stress. Check it out here (read till the bottom for many good ideas).

Dear rashekebehag -
Yes, you got me right. Please read my very first post on this site where I describe a little bit of what it was like to GUE and what R'Twerski told me and how I reacted. This was a few years before I got bad enough in my own mind to have to join a program.
The way I look at it, either you are an addict or not. Yes, it gets worse, like all illness, but if you do whatever it takes NOW to get the help you need from Hashem, SA, who/whatever, then you'll be OK. Maybe even without any group. I don't know. I alos tried hard to do the steps on my own, from books, in the late 80's. It failed misearably. But on the other hand, I had NO support at all from anyone and was all alone and in secret. You have this site and may cultivate phone friends to call when there is trouble, or maybe even before you have trouble. There is also great literature on this site and that you can get from SA, (though the AA big book is the best for me). Hashem loves you and will help you, as he helps everyone who gets out of his way, and if chas vesholom that isn't enough, the programs will be here for you.
BTW, I have met many guys in the meetings who are very light addicts, too. They can get better, but interestingly, they often don't - I think it is because they simply don't take their disease seriously enough. So when they see a little improvement they leave, figuring they are "cured." Only ham gets cured. ( ;Da little joke). Bye!

it is erev shabbos and I am looking forward to another guilt free shabbos. Thanks to GYE I have made some changes in my computer, Covenant Eyes wasn't working for me so well so I switched to the K9 filter as you  have on your Handbook recommended. I also added adblockplus which I learnt about thru your site, the images on the ads always bothered me and I didn't know what to do about it. The CE filter used to block some ads but not all. I hope the filter will lwork properly.
I feel the belonging to the GYE community is a great thing. Berdichev, I would like to hear from you. Lately I have begun to feel the craving and I keep reminding myself that I can't disappoint all my new friends. Can anyone tell me how effective is the 90 days, I want to hear from someone who experienced it and completed the it, does one feel relief then? I understand what Dov and Schwatrz have been saying that one must always watch out for a lifetime but i think that refers to everybody, even one who never stumbled.

RASKEBEHAG 
you know me by now my perspective is that this is WAR .Y"h has declared war on all of us he is using every trick in the book to ruin all of us from young to old.We must fight fire with fire although we can not take Y"h fead on because you are asking for trouble .But light your own fire fire uo your davening fire up your learning.You say that your life os full of stress .In Yiddishkite we have an antodote to stress its called SHABBOS yom Menucha.If your shabbosos are stressful try something new new food new shul  new zemiros get creative you cant say Im stressed toobad on me and too bad on eveyone else .figure out  away to bring abit more MENUCHA VESIMCHA into you shabbos,.
humble and happy
bardichev

Put it this way rashkebehag, from all the people who made it to 90 days so far, only one of them has fallen off the chart. That shows something, doesn't it?

Like everyone just said up above:

This IS an all out war on the menuval. Therefore you MUST be sure 100% that:

1) you are not holding the secret code to your k9 filter!!!!!!

2) If you don't use this time to work seriously on the STRESS, and any other type of Matzav Ruach problems, than you can almost forget about the 90 days. You must be metaken at the shoresh. Once you have done this, then the 90 days will help tremendously.

rashkebehag wrote on 15 May 2009 12:15:


The 90 days is just a leap of faith. It really does get SO much easier. I'm 20 years old now. I'd never gone a whole week clean since age 12. I went pretty much cold turkey with the help of GUE and a Rebbi at my yeshiva (2 weeks, one fall, and clean since then for almost half a year now). The 90 days is just to help give you something to look forward to, because that makes is so much easier. Once you get there, it is much easier if only because you are in the habit of NOT acting out. However, by the time you reach 90 days (it took me a while, but I got there) you should not be allowing lust to take hold of you at all. If you are at 90 days "clean" but you are constantly clicking links which you are driven to by lust, you will not be able to hold out. The lust is a poison, and once you have 90 days without it, it is much easier to see that. With the clear realization that it is pure POISON, how COULD you click on it? That is how I see it. All the filters in the world won't help if you aren't sincere, and if you are sincere and you break the lust part of the addiction, a filter won't even be needed (eventually). However, if the thought of using the internet without a filter gives you that rush of excitement, you are committing spiritual suicide by allowing yourself open access (because that rush of excitement means that the lust is taking control of you). You really need to evaluate yourself honestly, and if you don't feel capable of that, have someone else who knows you well help you. Lastly, this is all from my perspective. For a more hardcore addict, some of this may not be true. For example, a hardcore addict should probably NEVER use an unfiltered connection. I'm just giving you my point of view. Anyone else who has gotten to 90 days want to chime in?

Many people who made it to 90 days found that the scientific study was right, it takes about that amount of time (for some people a little more, for some less) to change your addictive thinking patterns just enough to be called "your first major step" in your journey to recovery. However, the journey continues on... For some people, the addiction lingers on for years. But 90 days takes off "one layer" of the addiction cake for most people. But like Ano said, the goal must be to let go of "lust".

thank you for your answers about my question. I very much relate to what Anonymous was saying. That rush of excitement is a big sign of trouble and clicking on sites even without really looking is also a sign of not really letting go.
My next question is: in the counting of 90 days should all days be included , I did not start till after Pesach becuase when I am not by the computer I have no problem. So, what about Shabbos? The fact that Shabbos was clean is no big deal at all. Maybe the count should only include the days where there is a Nisayon?
Thank you Berdichev for checking in, of course Shabbos is my stress free day, On shabbos I dread the end of it and want it to be Shabbos all week.
Yes, I threw out the password but I want to add things to be blocked and I am not sure how to do it with out the Password

The count should include EVERY day. If you are a normal person, once you have exposed yourself to this crap you don't need a computer to 'look' at porn. You can just turn on the computer in your mind and stimulate yourself with those images. Every day you resist your nature and don't do that is a great success. So the short answer: count EVERY day, because EVERY day is a nisayon.

Ano's got it right!

As far as the password, follow the exact instructions we laid out over here and then I'll be able to make your adjustment's for you...

I was not trying to skip a day i was being [i]machmir[i]and wanted to add days. I am not a young man boiling with hormones. It's only after misusing the computer that what I see burns in my head and I have trouble also in the street, But if I am clean by the computer my mind is under control and i have no trouble averting my eyes from bad things. In fact, till i found your site with a program to fix myself i used to worry, am I going to take this problem with me to the grave? Now there is hope to finally get rid of this shmutz from my being. i have no words to thank you

Ano Nymous,

I can relate to every word you say.  You're right on target, thank you!

I often wonder about the "rush of excitement".  I've been technically clean for almost 10 months and the transformation is incredible (I've been reading some of my old posts and can honestly say that I'm not holding there right now, I'm in a much higher place) however I am not cured!  I've become much more self aware and can identify the beginnings of the "rush of excitement" a mile away - on the street, reading "frum" books and stories (it's incredible how even material written specifically for the frum market can be a trigger).  Seeing it coming is a huge bracha and gives me time to think about how to react when the wave hits.  And I think of Chizuk e-mails and tips galore...but the wave still comes.  Sometimes my tactics work and I'm able to keep my head above water, other times it's tougher but the wave does eventually pass (at least it has so far, BE"H).  However I do not really know what to do and do not have a fool proof method that works every time.  I'd like to think that the 12 steps is the answer but have seen even 12 step veterans slip.  I think it's the indsiduous nature of this addiction - because a mere glance is a "drink" as per today's Chizuk e-mail, and it's a lot harder to have perfect control of your eyes than of what you put in your mouth (I believe this is true even for a true alcoholic since maintaining sobriety from alcohol has a clear defining line).

I'd love to hear your thoughts (and others too).

The lack of a clear line is part of what makes this addiction more insidious than anything else. Where I am right now, I draw the line at "the rush". When I started though, I never could have drawn the line there. I think you need to just keep drawing the line further and further as you grow.