hello everybody, I guess I have been too smug about myself and had too little Daaga. I fell today. No porn, no nudity, just an immodestly dressed woman. I suspected the site would have it and should have known better. i feel terrible. My 3rd week is over and I have to start again. I praise myself that without the chizuk that fall would have precipitated more, but I am stopping at that. Any chizuk from anyone?

Dear bardichev -
That story is beautiful, thank-you.
BTW, I have heard AAs who say, "it took every last drink I took, to finally bring me right here." This idea sounds similar to some toirah I have been told from the house of Izhbitz. What you wrote above reminds me of this idea. The AAs just carry it a bit further to see the value in past failures. What do you say?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear rashkebehag -
The searching, even w/o finding any immodestly dressed women, is what is toxic to me and changes my whole mindset to the worse. Full-blown bad searches or other stuff that'd get me in lots of trouble then feels much easier to do. What I mean is, we grow by drawing the "battle lines" back further, as long as we really believe in what we are doing. I can't look at the ground all the time in the street, but I can get rid of my TV; I can look elsewhere when I notice popular enertainment/lifestyle magazines at the office; I can avoid all bookstores unless I have someone with me; etc. To each his own, no easy rules and tefilla seems to be the ikkar for siyata dishmaya so I don't go overboard and get wacky. It will surely fail and discourage us if it is too wacky.  Hatzlacha rabba to all of us!!

  I think that the above should be enough chizuk for you!  If in the past you would have gone further, and now you stopped. This in itself a tremendous reason for celebration. You won....you conquered territory. You were able to stop yourself and this is proof that you will be able to do it again....even earlier on in the struggle.

BTW, do you have a fool proof filter on your computer? You mentioned that you did not go further on to porn. Is this because you can't or because you controlled yourself....this time?

Dov I agree with both points
Hashem wants us to grow FROM our Aveiros .ANI HASHEM HA-MAALEH ESCHEM.

I agree you can’t get wacky but one has to remember where he was nichshol in the past.
A lot of my addiction especially the internet part was triggered by two things boredom and curiosity or curiosity and boredom.
When I was bored or disinterested in whatever I was doing I went online it was almost always random searches YouTube Google images and then it almost always ended up being very nichshol.So for me right now it is no internet whatsoever except this site and strictly business related. I really do not Trust myself.

Once I was able to get some handle on the internet stuff I really feel good about myself so now when I'm in the street I feel SHTARK
to be able to control the other part of my addiction.

Meaning to say as follows Y"H is the biggest con artist out there he knows how to hit the ball from both sides of the plate(sorry a little baseball lingo  here)First he gets you to sin then when you are up against the next nisayon he becomes very EHRLICH sic. and he says you two faced hypocrite you just finished feasting your eyes on ***n now you are going to ACT Frum you faker .

My good friends and my dear chaver rashkebehag there is a concept of miktzas hayom kikulo.There is a concept of SHNEI SHAVUOS BASHANA NIKRA SHANA two weeks in the year is considered a year. Which as it so happens to be the Heilige Bnei Yissaschor brings down on LAG BAOMER.

When I was at two weeks I was extremely proud of myself and you should be proud of yourself too. You have a HASAGA how much SUR MIERA you did in this time. My TIERE CHAVER you are a SULDAT!!! A soldier in battle as the say in Hebrew YALLA!
Move on and keep on fighting no time to think about how it happened just FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT Y”h can’t stand you .You will beat him to a pulp you went this time you WILL do it again.

AMAR REB AKIVA LIFNIE MI ATEM MITIHARIM UMI MITAHER ESSCHE M?
AVICHEM SHEBASHAMAYM!!!

H&h
bardichev

Dear Rashkebahag,

Don't get down on yourself. I don't even know if what you did is considered a fall enough to restart your count. See #8 on this page for the rule...

But the fact you were able to stop yourself from sliding further shows you are made of the right stuff! To quote from #22 of the Attitude Handbook:

The Seffarim write that the Nachas Ruach we give to Hashem by holding back even when we feel “we already blew it”, is even greater than when we are successful to avoid the tests in the first place.

Perhaps the greatest illustration of this, is Yoseph Hatzadik. The Gemara (Sotah 36b) says that Yoseph actually came to Potifar's house to sin (as Rashi brings). And the Gemara goes on to say that he actually spilled some seed at the time, thereby losing ten Shevatim that were supposed to come from him. And when after all that, he still held back from sinning, he became the great Yosef Hatzadik!

R' Tzadok and other Tzadikim explain that this is what really constituted the great test. The Satan said to Yoseph: “Don't you see that you already messed everything up? Don't you realize what a goner you are? Your brothers hate you and sold you to Mitzrayim, nobody cares about you any more. You're lost and cut off from this world and the next. And now you've failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!

But Yoseph Hatzadik said “no! I don't care about anything - not even about being a Tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I need to do at this very moment? What does my Father in Heaven want from me right now?” And it was in that zechus that he merited everything. And Chazal say, that even the splitting of the Yam Suf was in Yosef’s merit!

So if we want to split our own personal Yam Suf, this is one of the greatest Yesodos to keep in mind!

I read the rules, and in fact read a large part of the Handbook. I have myself posted on the Wall of Honor and am counting today as #17. i am posting here because i find it helps me keep control. I must go now but will return later with more thoughts.

Dear rashkebehag

Thank you for your honesty.  In the 12 step fellowships, the foundation is built on being regoursly honest - as they say in SA "To thine own self be true", one of my biggest downfalls that preceeded my relapse after 3 years of sobriety was what we call technical sobriety.  Sex / Porn addiction is worse then most other addictions, for me to get drunk on alcohol / drugs I have to physically swallow them, but with porn & lust I could be sitting next to you in shul with my siddur open in front of me and completley drunk with lust as the images that I have seen online are burned in my memory almost as clearly as they are on the screen.  And the only way I am going to get recovery is to set up clear and defined boundries that if I break them i start counting again. Being clean and sober is far more than a date its very nice to be able to say I am technically clean for x days but how is the quality of that time.

Well done for being so honest with yourself and the rest of us here, you must not let this get you down but put it down to experiance.  I will just share that today I was working alone and had terrible cravings to surf for porn.  Hashem in his mercy at that point gave me a choice, I could have surfed, or I could have tried fighting the YH, or I could call some one and share my struggle and "surrender" which is what I did and as I was on the phone I actually felt the craving leave me.I have been told in therapy and fellowships that I have to break the cycle and do something different whcih is what I did today.  This is truly a one day at a time battle and I am so happy that BH I found this site where I can share and be inspired by other yidden on this path

Kol Tuv
London

rashkebehag/London,

I completely relate to the challenge of identifying a slip or fall that is not as black and white as the rules for the WOH.  If a look or a thought for a lust addict is equivalent to a drink for an alcoholic, it's tougher to stay sober than for any other addiction (food, alcohol and drugs all require an act - a fleeting thought does not threaten sobriety).  But when you think about it, it's exactly the same struggle, just more subtle.  All the techniques, tips and chizuk that work to keep yourself from violating the rule for the WOH can be used to keep your thoughts clean too.  A couple that I've been working on applying lately:

1) If I see something on the street or find my mind wandering in the wrong direction, don't despair!  Don't get down, get UP!  It's an opportunity to rise to the challenge - this is what you were waiting for!

2) If you're successful in following step 1, you've done it!  Give yourself a big pat on the back and re-affirm your connection to Hashem.  I have a hard time saying "I did it for you Hashem!" because I didn't do it, He did, but the point is, it should generate a positive feeling, not a negative one.

I find that progress here is very slow but it's there nonetheless.

London,
I understand so very well what you are talking about.  The images burnt into my mind are indeed intense, and it will take a lot of work over a long time to burn them away.  Thankfully, I have been able to keep the images out of my mind during davening to a greater degree of late.

Ben/London - My experience has been that each time I turn my back on the hairbrained idea/image/phone # that popps into my head and turn to Hashem for a second by thinking, "boy, I need help with this one or I'm toast" and simply calmly say, "Hashem, help me, please," the garbage gets taken out of my brain a little more. One day w/o realizing it, I have forgotten them! It may take a month, it may take three years, but it happens. As with most growth, though, I have noticed that it happens by suprise, sort of sneaking up and biting you in the behind. As they say, "a watched kettle never boils." Very true for this stuff, as the more we focus on wrestling with it, the more we think about it and the worse - not better - we get. For me, then main goal is not winning, but not struggling with it in the first place, just side-stepping it! Have a nice day!

I have found a sgulah that works to clean the mind when a bad thought comes in. Pass your right hand over your forehead as if wiping it clean 3 times and say "לב טהור ברא לי אלקים ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי" its from the mishna brurah. I found it helps, I used it when i was young and single and had real problems
The problem with  a slip is that it can lead to a fall and that's why I asked for chizuk right after my slip

For those of us not so literate, could you translate, please?

OK :A pure heart create for me, O L-rd, and a proper spirit renew within me." Lev tahor broh li Elohim,v'ruach nachon chadesh b'kirbi".
I want to bring uo a new area of discussion. i find that the addiction is very prone for those under stress. Its an escape. I am  under stress in many areas of my life, I had thoughts that maybe the stress is a punishment for my bad habit, but now that i am genuinely keeping away the stressfull situation is not letting up, only getting worse. Any suggestions or comments anyone?

Dear Rashkebehag - Yes,and it is the steps. if you have done them, then use them. Working them is to learn tools, not for a one-time experience. Also, it seems obvious from the fact that nothing about drinking is mentioned in 2-12, that the purpose of the steps is not to get me sober but to keep me sober. I believe, as do many who I know, that the lusting/drinking/gambling/whatevering is a symptom of a problem, not the main problem. This means that if you have enough stress in life, you, if you are an addict, will use your drug. Plain and simple. Are you using 4 through 11 to maintain comfort with your life and those around you? If not, an addict is very, very likely to eventually act out, no matter how great a tzaddik you are. This is what being an addict, not a rasha, means to me. What set me apart and helped me see/accept my illness for what it was, was the realization that no matter how hard I try, or how good I get, I will eventually act out. Guaranteed. At that point it becomes possible (for one who does not wish to give up and lose everything and/or die) to find Hashem, finally. Really find Him, not just know He is there. Use Him like we use everythimg else, to survive.That has been my first hand honest experience, no crystal ball or judgementalism, I promise. If too heavy, please forgive.

Dov, you must mean the 12 steps, but I am not a heavy addict and will not join a group. is it possible to learn the steps without a support group? The Handbook seems to agree that not everyone must join a group. So what should I do? Is reading the 12 steps enough?