Ezra, you are so right.

As also I often used to think, "one more aveira, I will stop on whichever day" or "better take advantage till marriage, and then it will be ok".
As you probably have realized, a good number and perhaps the majority of those using this forum, including myself, are married.
Contrary to common wisdom (see the Twerski comments on this in the site), in my humble opinion, marriage does not help a bit to those that have had this problem beforehand. This is not a sex issue, but it is about OUR OWN attitude to sex. And incidentally, having this problem, at least in my experience, clouds and confuses the mind at the time of shidduchim.

The main thing is not to feel at all that your worth is diminished because of this problem.  Aderraba, just the opposite. This  matter has been difficult for the Yiden since Matan Torah.  Just look at this RAMBAM (Hilchos Issurei Bi'ah, perek 22, halacha 18):

"There is nothing in the entire Torah that is more difficult for the majority of people than to separate themselves from sexual misconduct and the arayos. When the Yiden were commanded regarding forbidden sexual relations, they wept and accepted this mitzvah with complaints and moaning as implied by the phrase "Crying among their families", which means "Crying about family matters".

Obviously we are in good company   this Y'H was implanted on us SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF OVERCOME IT.
The stronger the Y'H, the greater is your neshama potential to overcome it.

Hatzlacha

B"H

thank you yosefyakov for your inspiring words. They will iy"H keep me alert throughout the day.

Ezra

Ezra,

Your recognition
is truly a great step, Ashrecha!

Take care, however, not to view "Teshuva Gemurah” as a lofty, unreachable goal.  This can be depressing and counterproductive, and what’s more, it’s not true!  Odom L’omol Yulud.  If you reached the level Teshuva Gemurah , there would be nothing more to do.  This is not how things work in this world.  It’s not whether the goal is reached that counts but working towards it.  If you approach Beis Din Shel Maalah and can honestly say “I’ve been working towards Teshuva Gemurah and here’s how”, you’re a Tzaddik and go straight to Gan Eden.

Ezra512 wrote on 07 May 2009 01:39:


You nailed it on the head.  As Jack says, it is HARD WORK.  a person has to put all his efforts into fixing himself, then Hashem will come to help.  We do the efforts, Hashem takes care of results. Ezra, you are still young.  Do not end up like so many of us here on this site.  When I was your age I never planned to continue doing this for another 15 years and neither did anyone else here.  So internalize your own wisdom and continue addressing this addiction in a very real way.  Take advice from the wonderful warriors of this site, and learn to recapture yourself from the hands of the yetzer hara.  Believe in yourself that hashem entrusts you with bechira, beleive that hashem wants you to return and believe that that only Hashem can give you strength to remove yourself from sin.  Cry out to hashem and connect to him.

Ezra
When I was your age I too struggled with this addiction, I sought help from my Rabbonim / Masgiach and was given completly misguided advise.

I am now married in my early 30's with children, my wife has been through pure hell as a result of my acting out and if I do not stop I will loose my children too.

Whenever I see or hear of Bochurim struggling with this issue I want to shake them and scream at them to get into recovery at an early age.  When I was 17 my m/o was masturbating and porn mags, but as you know this illness is progressive and by the time I was in my mid 20's I was doing things that in my wildest dreams I never thought I would do.  If you still think that you are not so bad and that I have not done a certain behaviour yet, you should know the "yet" stands for "your eligible too".  Please please I beg you take recovery serioulsly leave no stone unturned in finding a solution that works for you and spare yourself future wife & kids years of hell and recovery.
May G-d be with you.
London

B"H

I am going to be quick today. B"H everything was good. Thank you everyone for posting, I don't know if you realize the extent that your words shook me up. Yeshar Kochachem.

Ezra

B"H

Unfortuantely I am sick right now with close to a 103 fever. I am going to be short and just mention that B"H everything is good.

Gut Shabbos & Pesach Sheni,

Ezra

May Hashem grant you a Refuah Shleimah soon. I updated your chart!

B"H

B"H I am feeling better but still tried. B"H all is good since last update. I would like discuss somethings in some more depth tomorrow

Ezra

B"H

All is good. I had some trouble with bad machshavos but I was B"H able to throw them off. I was particularly strengthened by remembering London's words throughout the weekend

-Ezra

Hi Ezra, tzadik. See this page for some ideas on dealing with bad thoughts...

B"H

B"H despite it being a difficult day with temptation, I was B"H matzliach. Thank the Ribbono Shel Olam and everyone involved for this website being such a great motivator.

Ezra

B"H

I just wanted to mention something very interesting that I found helping me today. For some reason I went to listen to the song Oyfen Pripechuk and after hearing kept using it throughout the day of a reminder of the taharah of little children and the potential each person has to return to such a leave of tikonos shel beis rabban. All the attempts of the yetzer hara to say that histaklus in arayos is an appreciation of true beauty immediately went away went I thought of "Zolt ir fun di Oysiyos Koyach Shepn," We need to find strength and beauty in our heilige Torah. When I sang the song, I also kept having an image of diyukno shel Oviv, as I thought of my Great-Great Grandfather who was the head of his cheder in his shtetl and how he is now looking down at me and hoping that his own descendant will be matzliach neged the yetzer hara.

Ezra

EZRA HOW SCARY I PUT MY SON TO SLEEP TO THAR HELIGE NIGGUN TONITE

EZRA TIERE DIEN ZAYD HUT DIR GIT OISGEVEINT!

B"H

B"H All was good today. One weird thing though was that I had a dream were I found myself going to a bad website and had a mikre layla, but that is not under the jurisdiction of the chart.