As I stated above there was no real cause besides immense pressure which upon relieve brought me in to this mood to get away from reality so i went in to a library just to air out and one thing brought the next.

I am sure that it took a tremendous amount of personal growth to stay clean for four months! You have not lost that.you have just been given an opportunity for further growth. If you learn from the falls, They will also become part of your ultimate success.

Chazak V'ematz and keep posting.
You friend,
hoping

Dear Mgsbms,

Why not save copies of your posts relating to this fall (and previous falls), and resolve (b'li neder) to read them before giving into temptation?

Thank you "hping" and "kedusha" for your divrei chizuk it is greatly appreciated, it seems that i"m over with this loosing streak( i hope so) iv"e been a few days clean already and i"m getting my energy back kein yazor hashem lehalah.

mgsbms wrote on 20 Aug 2009 14:44:


Amen amen, ken yehi ratzon! I hope for you as well.

mgsbms wrote on 20 Aug 2009 14:44:


Boruch Hashem.  But, why not prepare ammunition for any future Nisyonos?  And, what could be better ammunition than reading, in your own words, about the pain that falling caused you?

as far as now the pain is still there i don't have to read about it, regarding the future it is great advice.

mgsbms wrote on 20 Aug 2009 15:52:


Right - I mean for the future.

I haven't posted in ages just saying hello !

Hey mgsbms,

welcome back how have you been in your leave of absence?

-INH

You're getting high on the 90-day chart... we're getting excited! Keep getting high on that, and not on other things 

ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WOOD FORD!

THANKS !

MAZAL TOV ON REACHING 90 DAYS FOR A SECOND TIME!!

Hi! every one i didn't update this forum for a while, I have a few things to shake out so i'll get right to it. before i joined this site i was slipping and falling on a daily bases for about a year not the real stufff, but i was getting there. then besyata d' shmaya i found this sight a few days after pesach i had a clean streak for four months and then fell for a few days at the end of august then i had another clean streak from beginning of elul till i  fell again this week without rhyme or reason, I really don't understand what's behind it, because while i had the clean streaks i hardly had to fight just reading the emails and counting the days was a great motivator but then "boom", maybe somebody has some insight how to understand this and give me some help it shouldn't happen again.
second point i opened today's email after being depressed for two days after my fall and was shocked to see that it was written just for me, with out going in to details because i feel it could cause chilul hashem etc. I was able to identify with this quote fully -  "To compound those feelings, I am involved in Avodas Hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel even more like a fake and a fraud, despite the fact that all I really want to do in my life is bring people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought about quitting my job, recognizing that I'll never really be able to inspire others if there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will try to stay close to the water. Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I just keep trying to slog through the muck"  -   so much so that it felt like someone was reading my mind, and i must add it gave me tremendous amount of chizuk that i'm not alone in this kind of conflict, but this is all more the cause for the marbitzei torah on this forum to show the way of milchemes hayetzer and not let it take over our lives !