Dear P&M

I’ll start with you Mr. M because you started with me. I was smart and gifted above average my brain wasn’t getting stimulated enough, I used to get told off and put down, because I was wise beyond my years [I wouldn’t listen and still get 100 on the test]. My parents had 10+ children, they didn’t have much time for me. The [clean] little me started searching…  I was young and stupid I didn’t understand my body, so you came to me in complete disguise -you acted as if you were me- and told me “check out what happens when you do this…” from there you “opened” my brain, teasing me about all those gemaras that the Rebbi skipped, plus some random questions about marriage. In no time me and some other poor little kids figured everything out.

OK, you won, I was hooked, because you told me “wow! look how good it feels, it relieves your stress, keeps your mind stimulated and you know more than those close minded bachurim.” I masturbated a lot, you kept on pushing for more. You got me some magazines etc. with inappropriate pics [not highly inappropriate -you didn’t need that yet- just enough for catching me]. The years past, I needed more, so slowly you introduced me to your friend Mr. P. At first you just sent me to the “right” magazine shop, I bought the magazine and Mr. P came into my life. Now you Mr. P, you explained that pics are not enough, we got to get videos, you helped me find some videos. Eventually, I was learning in Eretz Yisroel, you found the internet kiosks, and I was hooked. I got married and I’m living in EY, I like an idiot thought it will all be over, I’ll divorce you guys and marry my lovely wife, but you don’t leave your friends so easily. You told me it's not cheating, everyone does it, but after I listened to you, you told me "you're a cheat nobody does it!" You made me get into petty fights with my wife, so that I'll have an excuse for using. You found any stupid blemish in my truly beautiful -from inside and outside- wife, you blew it up and made me forget all the real things she has to offer.

I hear you’ve been asking about me lately, so I’ll be nice and tell you, I won’t mince any words. You and I know how much I’ve been trying to get rid of you, DISGUSTING Mr. P&M, YOU KILLED ME!! You made me a shadow of my true self, you reduced my self esteem to rubble, you took away all my friends, you threw away my talents, you robbed my happiness, you stole my years, you ridded me of love, of tranquility, you numbed my emotions, I HATE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!

Truth to be told you did give me somethings I’ll just list a few [I hope you forgive me for not writing it all], depression, cloudiness in my mind, loneliness, emptiness, the tears you didn’t let me shed, THE PAIN I CAN’T BEGIN TO EXPLAIN! THE TORTURE YOU PUT ME THROUGH!!!!! NO! hate is not enough for you!

The feeling after using, HOW CAN YOU DO IT TO A HUMAN BEING?! NO! I CAN’T EXPLAIN THE FEELING AFTER USING NOR CAN I EXPLAIN HELL! If you want to experience hell, JUST USE! [btw that’s another thing you gave me, HELL, you should advertise as follows: THE HELL EXPERIENCE – JUST A CLICK AWAY FROM YOU!] I don’t know how a human being can endure it!

Hashem sent me to GYE after a spiritual awakening, at first you laughed, because I swore, I won’t post on the forum or get a partner and surely not talk to someone and you knew that I won’t be able to get away from you otherwise. But YOU’RE A BIG FAT IDIOT! Because I also swore thousands of times that I’ll never use. HA! What happened to that? I think breaking that shevuah is a tikkun for all those times. Well I have a mentor and I speak to him over the phone! Btw last time you came to me and you couldn't win over me, it was his "fault" -credit- I spoke to him, he made it all clear and saved me, I love him and hate you. To top it all off he advises me in intimacy and all aspects of marriage, I don't need your advice and I have someone to uproot the TRASH you planted in my head. NO, I DO NOT REGRET getting in touch with him for even one second!

Now I can tell you that if chas vishalom I would not be able to have sex with my wife – and that's truly bad- but I would have her love, her heart and you would give me another choice to have as much sex as I wish, all my life with one of your women, I would spit in your face and GRAB MY LOVELY WIFE! Because there is NO LOVE WHATSOEVER in your stupid industry only PAIN and HELL absolute HELL.

You have been asking what do I think I’ll get from quitting you, first of all even if I get back only one of the things you took it’s enough! Let me explain the feeling, I feel comfortable in my own skin, my heart is bursting with love for my wife and children, my brain is clear, I don’t feel like I lost all my gains spiritually, I AM NOT A CHEAT! I’m trying to reclaim my life!

In 2 years I will still be learning in Kollel I’ll come home feeling fulfilled my wife will meet me by the door, smiling and I’ll smile back a true genuine smile my face will be shining! In Kollel I’ll be utilizing my kochos, helping people, giving people advice, everyone will wonder what the HE** happened to me I’ll truly be happy!

Now Mr. P&M GOODBYE!!! I’m so happy to let you go, I don’t want to have anything to do with you! GO! I know you’re going to try to get me back, I was a big fish, but NO!!!!!, AND IF YOU DO GET ME ONCE I’LL BE RIGHT BACK ON TRACK! BECAUSE I’M DONE WITH YOU!!!! I’M SICK OF YOU!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!

BYE!!! NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!!!!!

From your former “friend” [at least we thought so]

Truly a beautiful letter!

Wishing you the best of Hatzlacha!

Hey welcome back was actually starting to get nervous about you. We didnt hear from you in a while.
Beautiful letter!!! Happy to hear your doing well!
Wishing you the best of hatzlacha moving foward.

From another kolel yingerman in EY!

Wow thank you for sharing. 

wow! so beautifully written... although it's not so easy to get rid of him, but with the help of the GYE family it's defiantly a huge push to break free

daverose2 wrote on 13 Jul 2025 18:31:

It's realy heart warming that you were worried about me, it was just hectic in my life, thanks

[not]Dear Mr. P&M
You guys came and begged for a visit, you even sneaked in some inappropriate [not highly inappropriate] images to convince me that I blew it and that you guys are here to stay.
You claimed the images will never leave my head unless of course I let you guys in.
Well I almost got convinced but I told you, let me just update my mentor, well, guys you blew it you started kicking and screaming NO! DON'T EVER DO THAT!!!
But I managed to call my mentor and guess what? he patiently taught me what I'm writing now, that it's two different voices, oh, about the fact that I "blew" it, he just yelled at me "CUT THE CRAP!!!!!!"
Now from a safe distance I'm proud and happy to tell you, you guys just left , just like that! who would believe it? you said you were here to stay! you said the images would never leave my head! and now you are gone, the images are gone and it's all over!!!
So I would like to thank you for making me STRONGER, I am also now more energized in my shmiras einayim.
BYE AGAIN! 

Dear Mentor,

You started up with us, we don’t even know you, so we’ll have to put you in your place. We don’t know whos’ bad idea it was to hook up our dear friend with you. We were doing quite a good job, till you came around and started making problems.

You put him at ease when he talks to you, then you put things into perspective, ruining all our hard work from over years. You even got him to write the most DISGUSTING letter to us. We worked hard, we couldn’t let all that work go to waste, so we put in extra effort to send in some images and sights, we even convinced him that he’ll have these images floating around his head forever, unless of course he lets us in. Out of the blue, when we already thought he’s opening up to us, he did the MOST STUPID MOVE of calling you. Not only did you help him chase us away, you disregarded everything we spend hours and years telling him, you even called it crap, what chutzpah! Our friend is not stupid, we usually don’t take stupid friends, so he recognized the truth, we lost. You also cheer him on every time he chases us away, you tell him to celebrate, you EVEN CELEBRATE with him!!!

If all this is not enough, you did MUCH WORSE!! You convinced him to get better friends, you explained to him that it is all normal, you told him that “there is nothing like the real thing”. He started listening to you he’s taking excruciatingly painful baby steps towards true intimacy. Lately, he actually started feeling significant improvement in the areas of intimacy and marriage, we knew we’re in hot water. The next day we had his wife do something stupidly small, that made him feel like she doesn’t trust him. IT WORKED!! He almost let us in, he was completely fed up, he felt like, she will never trust him and he'll never be satisfied with her and of course it completely not normal so we got him to fantasize that everyone is better. We even got him to decide not to call, because we told him, anyway he can't help you, maybe therapy will help.

But you had to BLOW UP THE WHOLE PLAN! You sent him an email about something else and when he casually opened his email he saw it, and could not resist calling you.

You proceeded to badmouthing us, completely wiping out the carefully built plan, explaining that IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL!!  Women will NEVER understand and it's not that she doesn't trust him, she loves him and is trying to protect him, according to her understanding.

Up until now we convinced him that we have the best answers for marriage and intimacy, he even tried the balei battim forum on GYE, which helps for some people, but he just got triggered and didn't find anything that suits him, which worked in our favor. Now he is calmer and is starting to understand more, he's getting stronger than ever AND YOU'RE AT FAULT!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!!! STOP MIXING IN TO OUR BUSINESS!!!! LET US LIVE AND DESTROY AND KILL PEOPLE!!!

With true hate, Mr. P&M

Beautiful!

Chevrah I just fell, here's a letter I wrote to my mentor: (Feeling down, of course, chizuk is welcome)

Dear Mentor,

You're 100 percent right that I should smile, with you around, the world is a better place. (although I don't know how the heck you know if I'm smiling….)

But on the flip side I actually think one of the big proofs that I'm in [or climbing out of] a ditch on Mt. Everest, not at the foot, is, that I cried talking to you. You see, I don't cry any time, I'm a strong man, especially after falling when I numbed my emotions. I cried partially from pain, intense after using pain, mixed with the thought of comparison [between after using feeling and after over coming feeling] that you made me think through and partially from hope that you drilled into me. You see, I think you should work in hell [sorry for being so blunt] firstly, because you know how to make people think the most awful thoughts and mainly because there would be an awful lot of less people in hell…..

So now I'm starting to write because I want to be one of those nishamos you're taking out of gihenom.

Dear Me,

I am writing at the request of my Mentor [yeah, he's the nutcase that comes along every fight with P&M, and just makes too much sense] he's probably reading it to you [my future self], and that probably mean that you're up to some sort of fight, so I'm begging you PLEASE listen to him, and I'll explain why. I'm writing when the feeling of using and of overcoming are basically fresh, so here we go:

I'm coming outside, just finished my lovely session with P&M, I feel depressed, a dark cloud is hovering over my head, my heart is heavy, I'm embarrassed to walk in the street, afraid of my own shadow, when I see people I look away. I have no energy to learn or daven, I feel like a cheat, a total idiot, more than that, besides for feeling that I've blown it I feel like anything I gained in ruchnius is gone. I am bitter, I look my innocent kids in eyes and think they don't deserve this. My wife comes home cheerful and I can't look at her in the eye. All I want to do is sleep, but you can't sleep forever, I wonder what my wife thinks, since she doesn't know of my struggle. The emptiness and despair are surrounding me as far as my eyes can see. The PAIN the HELL complete disgusting HELL!!!! No, I can't really explain it! You want to taste it? Come right in!

On the other hand, recently I just had a big urge and with the help of my dear mentor, I overcame it, it was hard it was tough, but we got over it. Ah… the feeling, it's also impossible to explain. I walk outside the sky is blue, the sun is shining, people are smiling at me, my self-esteem is high, I can look people in the face! I look at my cute little kids and I can tell them you'll have a good healthy father! Time comes for intimacy and guess what, after a long day I doze off for a minute on the couch, my wife doesn't like it and gets a little upset, so I apologize and we get to it. We did not have such good fulfilling intimacy in a long time [if ever]. How can it be that when I didn't fall asleep and when I didn't have intimacy for longer periods of time, it did not come close? I made kiddush feeling like I'm actually being mekadesh Shabbos and myself. I am just plain HAPPY and content. The feeling is so good that part of me can't wait for the next urge!

This is a basic outline although I & I know it doesn't come close. So my dear self PLEASE do us a favor and call the Mentor I'll be grateful to me for the rest of our life. Don't hesitate to call even for a tiny urge, there is no such thing as a false alarm, I'm sure he'll be happy to help you even if you just are not motivated enough, it's all better than even the slight chance [one in a million] of falling.

p.s. about counting the clean streak we gotto ask him.

Hi im so sorry about your fall it. Most def makes you feel like garbage. I have been there pretty recently after 8 clean weeks but bh I didnt let it get to me. Bh 3 weeks later Im going strong. You must realize that just because you fell it doesnt mean that all was for nothing. For me on the contrary I only realized how much I hate this addiction and how I dont want or enjoy this anymore, after I fell. And once you get out of the initial bad feeling after a fall there is so much to learn from how to prevent what happened from happening again.
so pls get back in the game feel good about all the success and dont focus ONLY on the negative. And pls continue posting and giving chizzuk to all of us here!!

Wishing you the best of luck going fwd!!

Please stay on an high and don't let the YH get you into his net.....

I really appreciate the chizuk I'm getting from you my dear friends [that I can pass in the street without knowing it].
It really gives me chizuk that such great people believe in me and some of them went through the same challenges.

THANK YOU!!!!

Does anyone have any thoughts on the clean streak, because day 1 is quite depressing?
  

goldwings wrote on 23 Jul 2025 06:04:

Shalom Brother Goldwings,

Your emotional letters are deeply touching.

Day one is the foundation. It's the first lishma - because there is no streak to "lose" as added motivation. Today I decide not to be trapped by yesterday. What's done is done. I'm sorry and now I'm moving forward. This is what I want. That is what I don't want. Let's get it done!

High streak numbers are nice, but the real value is on the progress behind the number. Day 1 is picking yourself up off the floor and recommitting to try again, to keep working, to never give up. It's the day you flex your true identity as someone that desires to grow and to live.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov