It's hard to open up and admit that I have a problem. It's hard because I already came so far, had long streaks of being clean, and now I feel very out of control. It's hard when others ask for my advice to still be struggling myself. It's hard to realize how big this mountain really is. It's hard to put myself out there. It's all hard.
I want to forget, for the moment, all the pump up speeches and chizzuk and instead start over. back to the basics. When I first joined GYE there were some habits I created which helped forge a path to sobriety, and I let them fall away. But right now I just want to be able to stay clean for a bit so that I can get my feet under me in order to work through all the garbage in my head that drives me nuts.
I'm feeling very low right now so I don't want to write anything out. right now I want to exercise and eat lunch and still be on time to seder, but I don't think it can happen, so I'm going to go for a run and on the way back pick up some lunch.
I'm going to start slowly, treat myself with patience and compassion, and take it one day at a time.

Ok, feeling better today, Shared at a meeting this morning and got a lot of love and support, felt good. I got out some cash for my incentives program (the same one i used when I first got clean and I found it very helpful). Sometimes I feel like I'm taking all the right actions and still struggling, oh well.
B"H no struggles yet today, so just taking it ODAAT. gonna be on time for 2nd seder and rock the house. 
On a side note, I really enjoy running its my main hobby and also a great exercise, but recently I got hurt and should really lay off a bit, but its very hard to not go for a run and also hard when I don't go, soo....
TFLMS