day 6 - 7 - 8 clean !!

day 9 clean !!
Nidda period i'm gonna make it this time 

I didn’t manage to hold on this timeSeveral thoughts are coming to my mind.

The first is my lack of honesty. When taavah takes over, I can’t seem to snap back to awareness and look at myself honestly and say, “Look at what you’re doing — you’re all alone, in front of things that are, objectively, disgusting — and you’re secretly giving yourself pleasure, like a child hiding to eat a piece of chocolate they took without permission.” And that’s what excites you and what you want... If I could be honest with myself in that moment, I think I would be able to stop on my own, without a problem.

There’s also a lack of confidence, or maybe a will to remain isolated and self-centered, not wanting to ask others for help (even when I pray, I struggle to ask Hashem for help on this issue). It’s like, “this is my problem, and I’ll deal with it alone,” even though I know perfectly well that the times I’ve managed to hold a long streak were when I opened up as much as possible to others.

Another thing I realize is how the cycle works — and I’ve seen it not just in myself, but many times: a long streak, then a fall that creates a turbulence zone, where several more falls happen more or less frequently. Sometimes, it’s hard to get back on track, and it breaks your morale.

Also, realizing that actually, every single day I don’t masturbate is a victory. Not just the days when I fall being failures — that shift in perspective could help maintain a certain level of optimism.

5 more victories to add – it gives hope for tomorrow.

I had a moment of closeness with my wife this morning — thank God nothing serious happened. I'm always surprised by how strong the need is to connect physically with one's wife, not necessarily in an intimate way, but just through caresses or a hug. If anyone has tips on how to replace this need with something else we can do together that still fulfills that emotional connection, I'm all ears.
6 days clean almost a week next goal -> stay on track until shabbat 

yoshi wrote on 13 May 2025 08:07:

Shalom Brother Yoshi,

While you need gedarim to protect from things happening during the niddah period, I would think more along the lines of adjustment than replacement. Those strong emotional connections, including the pull to the physical that you had is something that can leave you looking forward to that "new" time together that is Bezh coming up. But it does need to be balanced if you feel it is close to crossing the line. 

Do you go out on dates? Food can be a nice way to connect from across a table
Or play a game or other activity that is nice quality time for you. Go for a walk.
Physical barriers can help to mentally fortify that touch is not for now, while still allowing for the emotional connection.
Imma share something personal and hope that it helps you (and maybe others). I have specific sets of PJs for niddah times. It helps me at night and in the bedroom to have that additional physical distinction. Keeps my mind from going places that are not appropriate for the time being. 

Anywhoo, within appropriate and 'safe' boundaries, those connections are really special - especially so during the niddah times.

Happy to talk more if you'd like.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Too bad for this time—I had a moment of weakness with my wife during her niddah, which led to a loss of semen.

This situation feels a bit different, because there was no porn involved and I wasn’t alone with my desires, but I still think it counts as a fall, even if it’s on another level.

I'm wondering—are all these issues connected and should be dealt with all at once: porn, masturbation, the halachot of niddah and harhakot? Or should I separate them and tackle one at a time?

For example, maybe I should first focus on staying away from porn and masturbation for 3–4 months. But if there's an urgent need, perhaps I could be a bit more flexible with my wife—even if that leads to a loss of semen—not ideal, but once the habit of pornography is fully broken, then I can move on to being more strict in this area too.

I’ve noticed that when I try to take on too many things at once, I get exhausted quickly, which causes me to fall faster—and not just a little. On the other hand, wasting semen is something really serious, so I’m torn and unsure about what to do.

One thing I do know: every time I’ve truly succeeded in something in my life, it was when I did it without stress, and in a really gradual, organic way. For example, quitting cigarettes and weed—I used to smoke regularly, but once I got married, I stopped both of them in a slow, painless way.

Also, I wish I could reach a point where the taavah  for this kind of sin wouldn’t hit me so hard. Like, take kashrut—I don’t feel like I’m fighting every day. Sure, sometimes I smell something tempting on the street from a non-kosher place and something stirs in me, but it’s not really a battle, it’s not even a craving—it’s just something I notice. But in this area, it feels like there’s a fire burning inside me that I just can’t put out, and the desire hits so suddenly and intensely.

yoshi wrote on 14 May 2025 08:21:

Shalom Brother,

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

Have you been able to contact any of the mentors from ProudYungerman's list for more personal advice? I see that I keep asking, sorry to be poking about it again, but maybe start with just an email and see how it goes . . . you don't have to unload all your deepest secrets or anything, especially not in the initial communication, but start with a surface connection and let it flow as much as you feel comfortable with.
HHM (Hashem Help Me) - michelgelner@gmail.com, Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, ChaimOigen – chaim.oigen@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, Iwannalivereal iwannalivereal@gmail.com, Vehkam vehkam7@gmail.com, Amevakesh amevakesh23@gmail.com, ProudYungerman proudyungerman@gmail.com, Iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me.

The "issues" are likely connected (in their relation to the lust aspect) and how to tackle it in a way that works for you is probably something that would be helpful to discuss with someone if you feel up to it. If you do work on them one at a time, I'd think that in tandem you'd want to be doing at least a small thing across the board - so you are making some progress with all the forms of lust, and not end up shifting it from one source to another. Instead of picking one to cut out completely and coming back to the others later (you can do that too, if you feel up to it), find a boundary that you can work on that applies to them all. Inch the line forward. Exercise and strengthen your control in a gradual way so you don't feel powerless against the urges. Noting here that an addict does not work on things this way, they accept their powerlessness against lust and work on it in a different way, and I just don't want to presume anything about what will or won't work for you.

What did you do to quit smoking and weed - is there any way to adapt that method here?

Wishing you Hatzlacha and all the best!

To quit weed, I didn't do anything in particular — I just got married, and that gradually but profoundly changed my mindset. I stopped smoking it because, naturally, I was no longer drawn to it. And I didn’t experience any transfer of addiction to alcohol or cigarettes, for example — it just stopped.

Otherwise, I'm not posting regularly at the moment, but the streak is holding — 14 days of victory, Baruch Hashem!