I had a insight today after Bh being much more in control of my thoughts and actions over the last 25 days. I realized that bh Ive been avoiding physical triggers (not looking, listening.. to things that may trigger me) But so far the hardest urges ive had, are due to my thoughts. Not thinking about inappropriate things just when im stressed or having a hard day, It causes me to doubt my abilities. After paying attention to this for the past couple weeks I noticed how ridiculous a stressful day in my life looked. I wake up to my baby screaming and hes not falling back asleep, I get upset and my mind starts to tell me HEY its time to watch porn now, (because obviously that will put my kid to sleep.) Im learning first seder its a very hard sugya nothings making sense. I leave first seder feeling unaccomplished. My mind tells me HEY its time to mastrbate. (because obviously that will help me understand Rashi) Its completely ridiculous but till now I never noticed how ridiculous it was.
Im not even sure if at this moment the fact that im realizing how funny it is, helps me fight these urges. Its still a struggle. But it definitely feels good to be a little more in CONTROL that I even notice these things!!!
Also I had a win today not in the area of kedusha but related. Im usually a more relaxed guy. But today something ticked me off pretty bad, And to add salt to the wound after that, the guy that ticked me off asked me for a favor directly related to what he did to me. My initial thought was what the heck, no chance. But as I was about to text this guy it popped into my head HEY your 25 days clean. Your a diff man! And I was BH able to control myself and actually did the favot for the guy!!
Thanks
