I need to write this out for clarity sake.

Bh me and my wife have a great relationship. Even with my struggles it didn't affect as bad as it could have been. But, I did always feel that she wasn't completely sharing with me. Since coming on GYE, I've seen so many differences in my life, one of them was this. I felt that we had a more open, loving and communicative relationship. Which meant the world to me.

But the same problem came back again that I felt that we didn't have this complete open communication that I crave. It was driving me crazy. I spoke to some Chevra, and got some clarity.

For so many years I was a person with a secret, a deep dark secret. Locked inside of me, pain, loneliness, and most of all, two facedness. This hypocrisy that was my life, caused me to doubt anyone else's legitimacy. It also caused that I didn't believe that anyone could trust in me, after all I'm fake.

The same was with my wife I didn't believe that she could be open with me, cuz (I thought) she sensed I was living a lie. 

Now, I still don't know that I was wrong, maybe she couldn't be vulnerable with me, and maybe even though I'm changing drastically now, and living a much more real life, the healing will still take time. I guess we'll see...

Dont know if I was clear but just sharing my mind with you, Enjoy;)