So when Moshiach comes b'ezras Hashem, where will they plaster all of these emotional forum posts full of tza'ar, gevurah, deep emotional pain, courage, a potpourri of severely conflicting emotions? I assume others join me in being shaken to the core, reading and witnessing such incredible levels of turmoil and torment that tei're yidden are experiencing.  

R Mendel your post s are moiridik very inspiring considering were your coming from. I draw a lot of chizuk from your posts  I hope I don't ever catch up to you.. cause your 1 day ahead of me

Hashem Help Me wrote on 27 Jan 2025 01:22:

Reb HHM, I'm shaken to the core myself. I don't know what's happening to me. On the one hand I've changed like crazy in the past few weeks, on the other hand its so so hard to live every day with all the baggage I have. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry about my life. I know that ill beat it bezh.

But why did I have to suffer for so long?? I'm not asking you, I'm asking myself. The pain is too immense.

The only thing that has helped to dull it so far is to talk it out with friends, But I have a long way to go to get past all of this.

lamaazavtuni wrote on 27 Jan 2025 04:01:


As long as you are here, than your all caught up to me.
#ODAAT

R Mendy !! just to quote a friend of mine that had a really hard life  si spiritually si emotionally "theres no way this generation is going to hell".   The reason it bothers us so much what we did is BECAUSE we're such kedoshim and our neshamos get so faekeled from this shmuts.   I promise Everytime you did something wrong whatever it was .... You felt a pang in your heart  and if you didn't  it's just that there so much pain there that it just got added to the pile of pain but it was there. You felt bad guilty shamed.      THERES NO WAY YOUR GOING TO HELL.       Chazak vemats don't let yourself get depressed now just gonna make it harder for you   and there's nothing to be.  depressed about in shamayim we'll know y we were tested as we sit with Yosef hatsadik to drink a LCHAIM . for now just hold on strong.       Beahava your fellow struggling brother.

Ay, Reb Clean Mendy, your pain hurts my heart
Dear friend, perhaps it's possible to divide the pain from the past into two.
1-The guilt. Knowing that we have made mistakes in the past. We have made poor choices. And they don't make us proud
2-the pain. Looking back at years of trying to change without having known how to do that. And failing. And that hurts

My dear friend, I believe you mean the second point. And I have no idea why you had to suffer. I will say one thing. My friend, all of that is right now included in your test. Will you let the guilt and the pain pull you down, or will you reach out, learn more, stand strong, and be filled with happiness at the new life you are creating for yourself.
And you are doing a wonderful job at it. An unbelievable job! You have put the past where it belongs, in the past. And you have taken the initiative to change! Don't think about the past at all!
And perhaps, after some time has elapsed, and you are secure in your new way of life, take one day to sit down and think. To cry, to cry tears mixed with laughter, tears of pain mixed with tears of freedom and relief.
My friend, hold strong! You are a true inspiration to me!

Cleanmendy, please come for a validating massive bear hug!

Hi everyone I have Bh for good reasons been really busy the past week, Didn't have time to check in. 
I'm 30 days clean, and boy did I celebrate!!

The last time I checked in I was so torn emotionally, confused, and in pain. Bh I had some time to decompress and those thoughts are out of my head, for now.
Thank you for all your support and posts they really mean a lot.

Was getting nervous about you. .. happy your back and still involved!!

Since I had thoughts of acting out today, only briefly. Im gonna Chazer the basics
1. Relax, its a normal thought.
2. Its possible to pass the test.
3. Talk to a friend.
 3b. Practice what you preach;)
4. You will feel terrible and depressed after.
5. If you pass it you'll feel free and happy.
6. There's people that love you, and want you to beat the beast.
7. You'll become closer to Hashem.
8.  You could add a day to your streak
9. Hopefully the urges will diminish if you pass this.

Feel free to add your own.

So the past day or two thoughts of acting out have been creeping into my heilige kup.
The issue is for the first few weeks of my new journey here on gye, I was all in, fully focused. Recently especially since a lot has been going on in my life, I became a little complacent. 
Guys dont let that happen to me I spoke to one friend today and iyh ill speak to another.
Im not gonna get complacent!!!

R Mendel I'm davening for you....       Don't get down  gotta keep our streak going     it's so much harder if u break it look at all the guys here that complain that they lost their streak  and it's just so hard for them to get up.  Mendy Mendy. Chazak

Mendy

I've been following and getting inspiration from you.

Hopefully this will help.

My understanding is when we start the process of change our brains release tons of adrenaline and we feel top of the world its known as "uninformed optimism" its awesome but.... it wears off.  We then reach what is known as the "valley of despair" we feel on our own and the adrenaline that was fueling us feels like its gone.  This is where you are now, however there is great news ahead.  If you pull through you will reach the other side of the cycle known as "informed optimism" this stage is where you realise the truth which is, it takes work to change yourself but pull through and you will see that you are able to do it and you will have the winning formula to fix/alter/improve every part of your life.  You will feel closer to Hashem, you relationships with others will improve and you will finally understand yourself.!!

Thank lamaazavtuni and yosefms, your responses mean a lot.
Im bh doing a lot better today.
I actually enjoyed davening today which is one of my biggest struggles.

Heres a big part of my struggles that I haven't shared with anyone till last night when I opened up to my dear friend about, it felt so validating and his response was true that I feel like i must post here also.

In the past 36 days I changed so much, I haven't used unfiltered internet, no social media, no porn, no going live, all major accomplishments.
There's one thing that may seem minor compared to that list but bothered me to no end.
Over the years I fell so much in my relationship to Hashem that Davening became so hard for me, either I didn't daven at all, if I did it was only for a few minutes, and for days and days I didn't even put on tefillin at all.
For me I always felt that Kedusha issues were equal for all men, so I accepted the fact that I struggled cuz that's how Hashem made us. But not wanting to daven I didn't understand why it was so hard. I'm so ashamed to even write it, wracked with guilt. Why cant i daven?? Even making brachos became hard.

Finally last night I texted my dear friend, I opened up in tears to him, and he explained it so well.

Deep down my brain was telling me that I cant daven cuz I did so many aveiros, how can someone like me be close to Hashem? And the same way I'm still ashamed to talk to my friends even though they know my secrets, so too with Hashem I was ashamed to open up to him and talk to him cuz he knows what I've done. He knows I'm fake...

But the truth is that yes of course Hashem knows everything, and he loves me and understands that I'm not trying to be moired in him only I have misdirected tayvos and all he wants is to connect to him, and try to help and love ourselves and get better in all areas of our life.
I also read in TBOTG that Its obvious that Hashem doesn't want us to fail and gave us these impossible nisyonos to 'get us'.
No, he loves us and wants me to succeed and of course I can still be close with him even if for many years I felt so far away.

Now I understand why even though for years I felt such an aversion to davening. Always any singing part of davening I got very emotional even in my worst times. Cuz when we sing we don't feel like were talking to Hashem, just our raw emotion. Also davening Hallel we could just sing to him thank you for all the good he does for us without focusing on our bad, cuz in my warped view I felt that even though Hashem doesn't want my davening but he still wants my Hodaa.
Now I understand myself a little better I hope to work on it further, and I could proudly put on my tefillin knowing that Hashem loves me so dearly!