How do I add in a picture?
I wanna show the evidence of the shawarma

Mazel Tov!!! You're such an inspiration to everyone here in Yeshivas GYE! May you be zoche to many more shawarmas!!!

Amazing stuff OYC!!!!

So what does day 90 mean!
I'll try to organize my thoughts here. 


At age 12 someone taught me the pleasures of M. I tried it and it didn't work. When I went to yeshiva at 15, someone actually showed me how to do it. I'm so grateful to him 

I wasn't interested in learning till I turned 18 so it didn't bother me to M and read P magazines (I'm old. We are talking early 2000s here) 
Once I hit beis medrash, I started caring about learning but I couldn't stop M. I did go on small streaks but it never lasted more than a couple of weeks and that was some heavy white knuckling. After another year went by, and it got worse. I would learn Tosfos' kasha, go to the bathroom and release, and then back for tosfos' answer. 
I did have a Rebbe who I discussed this problem with and he taught me a great yesod. No mitzvah falls away just because you did an aveirah before or after. The learning that I did, is good and holy, and doesn't change or get lost just because I chose to M at the same time. This helped me get through those hard times. Yes I masturbated, but I was also learning shtark. Had I not internalized that yesod, I would have given up learning altogether. 
Learning was going well, but the M problem remained. 
Then off to Eretz Yisroel aged 20 and still doing it. Learning plus M. Once in a while I would have access to P. But mainly only M. 
Then I got engaged and managed to stop M for most of the engagement. I kvetched that my engagement was so long and that was my excuse to M. There were some streaks but I couldn't hold off and I M a few days before my wedding. I kept telling myself that I have a life of free sex starting in a few weeks but it still didn't help me stop.
After getting married, I was able to stop for a while but three months in, my wife was pregnant. She spent the next nine months in the bathroom. 
There was lonely me, with nothing to do every evening. So I discovered my good friend-pornography. It kept me busy for hours every night. While learning well during the day, I would come home to an empty house, and waste hours on movies and P. Slowly falling deep into the mental despair. Marriage had challenges, we never learned how to disagree. Every argument went full retard. My wife blamed me for all our problems (the few seconds a day she actually spoke to me) she would say the most horrific things to me. Call me names, and worse. 
Which was weird, coz when we weren't arguing, we actually liked each other. 
Then the baby was born and again, my wife was very wiped out from taking care of a newborn, as well as a 3 month niddah period after giving birth, so there I went back to my porn friend. Hours and hours were wasted. 
Meanwhile, learning shtark. I joined a halacha Kollel, and taught bochurim in a yeshiva, also giving daf yomi shiur to retired baalabatim, studying for semicha, getting a degree and some other courses I was taking at the time. 
But the P and M didn't stop. 
Wife was busy, tired, and our sexual energies were completely mismatched. I wanted it all the time. She wanted it never. 
The arguing continued. The learning continued. The porn continued. I realized I had a problem, but it was impossible to stop. And then one night, my wife was looking for something on the computer and lo and behold, discovered a missed deleted history. She was really upset. I thought she would leave me. Remember, we argued all the time. 
So she said, we can stay married, but we are never having sex ever again. Well that's a great solution!! 
It lasted a week. She happens to be a very sweet person, but we couldn't figure out our marriage. She still said the meanest comments to me. Very deep and painful comments. She would yell at me about my parents (even though they were on a different continent) my siblings, my upbringing, and more. She said really disgusting things to me. Name calling, character destroying comments. 
Sex was still happening but the P was happening way more. She would go to sleep early and I would have all the time in the world. I managed to stop for a few weeks after she found out but then I went right back into it. 
And my head was hurting. I didn't want this life. 
I wanted a warm, happy marriage, I wanted my wife to be my only one. But she wasn't. She was way down the list of people who I wanted. I was much more interested in the screen than her. 
Most times I would just tell her to go to sleep, and avoid sleeping with her, which could never be as exciting as the computer. 
She would say no to most of my 'positions'. But the computer never said no. There I could have as many women as I wanted, and they were always in the mood. I didn't have to be nice to them, or patient etc. I could just turn on the computer and they were already excited to have sex. 
Why try to work on the marriage, when I have a much easier option!
This continued for another 15 years. 
P and M and lousy marriage. Arguing all the time. Mean comments thrown at me. Blame me for things I wasn't in control of. Nasty comments in front of the kids. 
In the summer of this year, things got out of control. 
Some other family issues were coming up, and we weren't equipped to handle them. Whenever I suggested reaching out to someone for help, she would threaten me that if I spoke to a Rav, she would tell them about the porn issue (something she thought had stopped 15 years ago) (she would use this line of attack whenever any big issue came up over the years, threaten to tell my parents, her parents etc)
But the family problems weren't going away. They were getting worse. Non stop arguing and real hatred in the home. 
Fighting 24/7. 
Things got so bad, I actually spoke to a friend who is a divorce lawyer, to know how to start divorce proceedings. I was depressed, miserable and turning to my phone for an escape. I was watching an hour a day, every day. For months. I didn't go a single day without M. 
And again, I wanted a good marriage. We both did. 
But we just couldn't figure it out. 

One day, it was so bad, I felt the lowest I ever felt in my life. 
I logged onto GYE. I don't know why. Maybe it was an ad on yeshiva world. I can't remember. 
Once I logged in, it told me that I had actually created an account over a year before. 
I hadn't done anything with it back then. 
So I started reading. 
Work was going really bad. I knew I was getting fired at some point. (It wasn't because of anything I had done but the company was slowly downsizing and I knew at some point, I was next on the list)
I would stand outside for hours a day, smoking and reading posts on GYE. 
Because I was miserable, I had gone a week without M. I don't know specifically why but probably just I was so miserable and depressed. My life was falling apart. I knew that I was getting divorced. I would lay in bed at night trying to work out how I would live single, where the kids would be for shabbos, how I would manage financially etc. I had it all planned out. 
And my wife was doing the same. 
I would see her search history searching for divorce lawyers. 
And the arguing was non stop. 
I couldn't reason with her. 

I spent several days reading reading reading on GYE. Every story, every topic, every post. 
I didn't fully believe it was relevant to me because I felt my issue was more of a marriage issue, and the P was a side issue that I had to deal with (but I couldn't deal with it coz I was destined to take my M problem to the grave)

I started this thread discussing it as a marriage problem, but I was also reading others' stories where they did manage to clean themselves. I saw that people had had success in their M problems. 
Some people PMd me just to say hi and welcome. 
In the back of my head I felt, there's a 1% chance I could do it. It wouldn't save my marriage. That was a goner. I was sleeping in a different bedroom.
Someone said, reach out to HHM. I called him the next morning. He gave me the sledgehammer. The world famous sledgehammer. 
He laid it on me. You think your wife likes all your crazy 'positions' he gave it to me real. He said it in a sweet way. But it was a sledgehammer. 
And more importantly, I had finally met someone that understood my problem. Someone who could actually listen and not judge me, not someone who was just a rabbi with a long beard that would tell me to learn mussar or any other unhelpful advice. 
I had someone that knew my problem, someone who I COULD SHARE EVERYTHING with him. No guilt, no judgement. Just understanding. Pure understanding. Suddenly I felt different. It clicked right then. I absolutely can get the help I need. In my marriage. In my M problem, and in my life. 
I introduced my wife to him right away. Within a couple of days. 
She knew we had problems. I would wake up in the night and catch her down next to my bed (in the other bedroom) trying to break into my phone. 

So I took her to visit HHM. 
There was a lot of arguing. Rehashing many years of pain. 
But we did it. 
And we're guided by an understanding person. 
He heard us out. Acknowledged both of our complaints. 
We walked out of there believing that we can fix this problem. It's possible. 
He gave us each a couple of things to work on. And we did. 
Meanwhile I'm working on myself, not watching anything, no M. 
Several days go by, things are starting to calm down. We have someone to bounce ideas off, someone to answer the questions, and someone to guide us. And also for a sledgehammering. My wife got some of that too. She needed it. 
She needed to be told what things should never be said in a marriage. 
The first couple of weeks saw some improvements in the bedroom also. Less grabbing from me and less pushing back from her. 
My wife saw I respected HHM and so she did too. 
We went back again for another almost four hour session. It wasn't easy. Lots of raw pain. Some more sledgehammering, some more guidance. 
Meanwhile I'm clean. My wife controls her comments. Bedroom improves, love improves. 
More pointers more tips on what a normal, healthy marriage is meant to look like. 
The darkness is falling away. There's some light begining to shine. 
Don't forget, we always wanted a good marriage. But just didn't have the tools and guidance to know how. 
My wife is texting him every day. So am I. 
The days are going by. And improving day by day. 
In the meantime I lose my job
We don't stress. We don't take it out on each other. 
We grow through the rough times. 

So what are the changes?
I don't need to M and I don't need P. 
I've already built up enough days to not be interested in going back there. 
Intimacy is different. It becomes something we do together. Friday nights are back in. But not always. And I'm ok if we don't do it. No one is doing it every night anyways. So who cares if it happens Monday night instead of Sunday night. 
Why should I lose myself. Forget about her for a second. Am I not a human being? So what if I don't get sex one day. Does it make sense to mope and complain for days just because I didn't get sex when I wanted it??? 

So where are we holding now. 
BH I'm 90 days free of P and M. 
My shmiras einayim needs work. Alot of work. 
Marriage is very good BH. Intimacy is slow, and based on meeting my wife's needs, not satisfying my desires. So that means she's happy to be there. Why wouldn't she be. She gets compliments, love and attention. And that's great for me. It's no longer me doing things to her, but me being with her, caring and smiling, happy and sweet, and generous, and patient. And not trying to get to point B before A is completed. 
We don't yell at each other anymore. If there's an argument, it ends quickly. We both know what happens when we let the argument go on and on. If I feel I'm not getting through to her, or she's being unreasonable, I'll call HHM. Let him deal with it. One day we won't need the constant guidance but till then, I'm happy with that. 
My wife now likes to spend time with me. I still have to work on my patience. It's something I struggled with significantly. I'm a big all or nothing guy. Which isn't good. But I'm working on it. Slowly. 

To conclude this long speech, I will try to say what worked for me. 

1) having someone out there know what I went through and completely understand me, took away 50% of the pain and problem. 
2) having people reach out to me right at the beginning of my journey, was another 25% of the pain. 
3) having an understanding wife who was able to work with someone to understand what I was going through and the experience of her being kind and patient with me, as well as seeing very immediate improvements in our (love) life, was the last 25%

I have so many other things to talk about, but I think that's enough for now. 

Two more things and we are done, and you guys can go back to your lives!
1) the people that have been helped and are now clean, have a huge achrayus to help the new guys. If you have the tools to help, you MUST help people. You remember the pain, shame, internal sadness. Reach out. Don't give yourselves excuses like not having time or I'm not a people person. No. Get out there. Make a call. Send a text. You are mamish saving people's lives. 

2) if you are struggling, you can be helped. You can climb out. I suffered for close to 25 years. I masturbated thousands of times. I watched thousands of hours of P. Thousands. In the plural. 
I never believed it was possible. Not just that. But I knew it was impossible. Yet in a short amount of time, I was able to break free. 
Please, I beg you. Reach out to the experienced people here. I know it isn't easy to bare your soul. It's heart wrenching. But once you do it, you will be so much happier. You can absolutely get rid of years of bad habits, bad marriage, and deep hurt.
I know this might sound crazy but, it's much easier than you think it is. Getting clean is within your hands. Please my friends, do it for your families and do it for your entire future. Imagine a life not feeling shame. Not dealing with inner turmoil. It can be done. 

Wishing you all a tremendously peaceful shabbos, and a personal thank you for everything that you have done for me. 
​I thank you from the depths of my heart.

All my love
Od Yossef Chai

odyossefchai wrote on 29 Nov 2024 17:26:

I have no words. One of the most impactful posts I’ve read in my three years here.  

May you continue to inspire us
vehkam

Speechless!!! I thought I knew you well. You are a Chizuk for so many people out there that are struggling. Please continue posting and inspiring us with your epic journey. Mazel Tov!
With love, 
Amevakesh

R' OYC! Boy are you still chai! There's nothing quite like reading a story like this, a real rags-to-riches tale, with true, spiritual riches like no other. Thank you for inspiring all of us!!!

HELLO!? your an absolute LEGEND! i love you bro! so powerfull!
get out there and change the world!

its almost like all the issues were HOT air in a  balloon, and then ONE needle ONE poke and POP! 

cande'

Beutiful and very powerful post, you're a legend, and mazel tov on your 90th one day at a time, may you be zoche to your whole life clean, going forward.

I'll try to drink a lechayim in your honor, just hope I won't knock myself out from all the toast's I have to drink...

Good shabbos with love Akiva

Wow what a powerful post, i really admire you. l'chaim to your 90 day,

I am super happy for you that you made it so far in the journey.

Keep Trucking!

Filters are great ; the highly efficient ones are costly .

The most serious falls are from poor supports .

Amazing and inspiring post. Bh from such a painful matzav you had and are having a real ישועת ה' כהרף עין

Todays flex. 
Met the holy one and only Reb Akiva. 

For those wondering, his username matches him very accurately. 

Oh sitting in your car speaking and hugging with you, was such a great reminder that OD YOSEF CHAI. 

The YOSEF within you the will and the drive to run far away from the eishes p... {Potifar/porn} is so CHAI, and is really contagious, was worth every penny meeting you just to "catch" that drive.