I haven't posted the last few days mainly because I had a few falls and I was feeling very down and not in the mood of help.

At one point right after a fall I sent a text to a fellow GYE'er telling him how I just spent a few hours trying to break through my filter (and I succeeded) and I am not doing good. He offered me to come meet him. At first I was hesitant and nervous but I knew it's good for me and I went for it.

He have me HOURS of his time. Real tzidkus. He helped me understand how marriage is not the way out of the battle. He explained to me how on the womens side they are not there for the physical pleasure, which is something a bachur who watched porn can be oblivious of. With all the scenes it seems the opposite. Finding this out shows how fake every second of the scenes are.

A big topic was to figure out, not how to stop, rather why you started. We discussed how people turn to porn and masturbation thinking it will fill a void, which it doesn't, it just makes you feel more stupid about yourself.

In my case something we came out was I am not happy with myself. This is one of the reasons I turn to p and m, and I try to fill the void with that. Now if I would feel good and accomplished with my day, I would be happy with myself and not feel the need to act out. Interesting enough I was able to stay clean almost the whole summer, because my days were packed with things to do. Then came the new zman and boom boom boom. One fall after the next. Because regarding my learning I felt I was getting on where and I felt like the world's biggest failure.

The way to get myself to be happy is to understand that I don't base my happiness off what the world thinks about me, rather when I feel I am doing well that IS a reason to be happy!

Now I have sunken pretty low that I didn't even have much to be happy with myself. So we set up a plan of action. Small little things that will make me feel accomplished. Some of them have nothing to do with yiddishkeit. The point was to get me to be happy with who I am.

So this is where I stand right now. I don't know where life will take me in the future, but you gotta take one day a time. I try not to fluff myself and say I am good now because expectations stink, they just end up ruining everything.


Thank you guys for being here at good times and bad.

Well if your still here at the end of this long post and your wondering who this wonderful tzaddik that helped me OPEN myself up, if is non other then:

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 26 Jul 2024 00:14:

Job well done.
Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it

Edit: PPS I just noticed my negative karma. I will try not to take it to heart, but if someone bears a grudge against me please reach out to me in a PM instead of dropping my karma.

stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 10 Sep 2024 23:01:

Anybuddy know what he's talking 'bout?

redfaced wrote on 12 Sep 2024 19:57:

Lol. I actually had negative 1 karma and I was tookin aback because I try to stay clean (cought that pun?) with everyone.