So I'm trudging down this road to 90 bezras Hashem and I can't believe I've made it this far... surprisingly though this last week has been extremely hard for me. I just always figured that as time goes on, this whole nisayon would get easier and eventually just go away. So I was surprised that I found myself struggling as of late. 

I reached out to BennyH who texted me some beautiful words of chizuk in my time of need and it really got me thinking. Maybe these ha'aros are pashut to everyone else but to me it was a real einfal. I'm going to share these here in order to make seder out of my thoughts and perhaps others will find it helpful as well. (sorry if this post is a bit long)

Here was the conversation:
Me: I'm struggling as of late, I feel like and I lost my cheishek and starting to slip and I don't know why.
Benny: We need to find the source of this. What's really going on in life? What's bothering you?
Me: You're actually right, lately I've been struggling with different stresses, chovos etc.
Benny: "Yes, I can relate... my finances are bothering me too, if I may share with u brother is that; first thing I need to know no matter what I do or don't do I'm under his control & guidance at each & every moment not I & not him or them or if the entire universe including tzadikim angles or tzadikim that past on, can not change an iota what my loving father in heaven decreed upon me I can't gain a single cent or loose a cent if it's not in plan, I have the choice to submit myself to this truth (1st Ani maamin) or I can choose to live in my ego state that I should of or I can change stuff.
Once I'm really clear I can move on to the next step by calmly trying to do what makes sense to increase my income but knowing that I don't have the power to get results, I just need to try as if I am doing something but in the end of each day remember I really did nothing it was only him and thank him if I saw results & if no results came up let it go cuz he has different & better plans
Really every single stress or negative voice I have is all דמיונות it just takes some work to see it there's only one creator and one power that's in control, my job is to try do my creator's will I think he would have me be"

I still need to to review the bitachon shmooze many more times, but here's what I chapped, I used to think that we act out because we have ta'ava and we can't control ourselves. Even though I know the idea that people tend to act our more when stressed, angry, depressed etc, regardless, the underlying issue is lack of self control.

This conversation got me to realize that the underlying issue is something else. Perhaps the word is 'comfort', we need to feel comfortable and when something is uncomfortable, maybe due to stress, anger, resentment, boredom etc we look to do things that will provide us with comfort. This is possiby in our DNA or maybe because of the way we were raised as babies, our mothers comforted us when we were in distress.

Now here is where we turn to ta'avos as we're hoping that it will provide us with the comfort that we seek. In reality of course, it just creates a very temporary distraction and nothing more. After the fact we're still just as distressed and now with a whole truckload of guilt and feelings of being a failure on top of it. In many cases the new feelings of discomfort can push a person to run away again to ta'avos to find reprieve and hence the addiction cycle begins.

I feel that understanding this is very important. When a person is struggling with urges he needs to look beyond self-control, something is bothering him and if he can look at the issue and realize that acting out isn't going to give him what he needs, and instead tries to find what can truly alleviate his discomfort, he can really fix the issue.

The greatest part of this conversation for me was seeing that ultimately this nisayon can bring a person to shlaimus in bitachon. It doesn't make sense to me that we struggle so much with this terrible nasayon and it's just an isolated area of our avodas Hashem. It must be that by fixing this area, a person is actually shteiging in all areas and becoming the person that he needs to become in this world. If someone can come to true emunah and bitachon as a result of going through this terrible nisayon, then maybe one day he can turn around and say gam zu l'tova, the nisayon was all worth it because it brought him to where he needs to be in life and without it he would have never gotten there.

Thank you for taking the time to read the gantza drasha. 

siyatta wrote on 29 Feb 2024 18:05:

Forgive me, I loved the gantze drosho, but I highlighted the part that to me is a realization that is a complete game changer.

It’s important for a person to be honest and ask himself : what does P and M do for me? When do I turn to it as a solution- as a way to escape or soothe the discomfort of living? When a guy understands how his anxiety, or his being made to feel his low self esteem, or one of many other kinds of weaknesses can lead him to desire shmutz to “fill the hole”, he’s achieved a huge realization. 

This is something that has helped me a lot. 

Thank you!!  

Hazlacha !

siyatta wrote on 29 Feb 2024 18:05:

I don't recall having this conversation with you. I don't see it in my chat history. We never texted either. This is not my writing style. Not the writing and not the content. Perhaps someone got into my account and then deleted the chat. Weird. Is there a Bennyh impersonator out there in the wild?

I think I read somewhere that OpenAI was testing a Bennyh chatbot. 

youknowwho wrote on 01 Mar 2024 16:57:

In that case V1 is an epic fail. Short the stock!