notezy wrote on 12 Apr 2024 06:04:

Some times it’s a very specific kind of stress or negative feeling …

Still having urges today I feel like they came from nowhere

Still struggling, I am waiting out the clock... shabbos which I stay clean on... not sure how to deal with this urge because I don't know where it's coming from.

Okay I gave it some more thought I think I figured it out:
I was stressing because I felt like I had to make a choice that night about a job the thing is I have two not super great options that will interfere with my Yeshivah morning schedule and I have to decide sooner rather than later which 1 I am going to do and get back to someone and that was being thought about Thursday night but by the time I was going to bed it wasn't so much on my mind anymore... but it was probably subconsciously affecting me and still is.
I feel a little better after calling it out but i still need to work to get out of the hole of the urges now.

notezy wrote on 12 Apr 2024 14:49:

Wow! Excellent emotional work...you are inspiring all of us!


Do you have a close friend you can text, about the specifics (generally, no need to get too graphic...) of what you are dreaming and fantasizing about doing? 


Tends to diffuse the urge pretty quickly in most cases...

To answer your questions:
Wish I did but not really. 

Anyways I just wanted to follow up after shabbos. I believe today is day 18. I'll have to double check still a bit stressed about the job thing but thats old news because I got a new/old bigger stresser "issues with family members" *Sarcastically clapping*  
I don't want to elaborate on here but let's just say pasech time doesn't make it easier. Oh well Gam zu litovah. 
F%&#  me. 
at least I know the urges will be coming this time.

When it rains, it pours.

notezy wrote on 13 Apr 2024 17:29:

I could relate,I also have some pesach family challenges I got to deal with

Day 19 I crossed the place I was the first attempt at 90 days 

Having some urges at work today I think I leveled up in stress last night didnt know i can go that high anyways I think this is just residuals and also from talking to someone but I think it will pass without incident.

Struggling again going to bed now.

I had a fall.
it was a combination of the stress the uncertainty of not knowing what to do about it. Then I got off early from work by like 3 hours 
And was procrastinating and avoiding my troubles on my phone. Then I crossed a line and gave in. F****** S***.
First was outrage at myself over a F******* 3h off from work. Is that all it took. 
but I cant be to hard on myself I made it a good distance again. Their was more I could have done their always is....
Definitely wasn't worth it.
degraded myself. I am not sure if I should celebrate that i made it to 18 1/2 days or not.

I didn't read TBOTG in a while.
I didn't do hisupodeduce in a while either or learn any of the other torah stuff that probably would helped me hold on.

AVE fell again.

Dude 18 and a half days is truly amazing. Do not focus on how easy the fall happened, focus on the over 2 weeks of kedusha you built.
Seeing you fight, I have no doubt you can dust yourself off and carry on with a clean week till pesach.
Bein hazmanim is tough, and it sounds like you prepared yourself properly and are dealing with it quite well.
KOT