hope you have a good week davening for you

Two weeks and feeling good about it.

Day #14

Half a month has gone by with no pornography viewing and no masturbation. No small feat.

Day #15

HERO!!!

I am sitting here right now thinking about what I should write. I think of something and then I stop myself. I think of something else and then I stop myself. ... ... ...

I am thinking about the following and I hope this processing helps me and helps others. I masturbated for the first time when I was 12 years old. Probably around that same time, I downloaded pornography from LimeWire (remember that anyone?). It was an image. It wasn't so easy to download videos. You had to wait a long time! I didn't grow up Orthodox. I didn't have a sense that what I was doing was sinful. I was a boy going through puberty exploring my sexual curiosities with no reservations. I didn't want my parents to see what I was looking at, but it wasn't that hard to hide what I was doing.

It didn't take long before viewing pornography and masturbating became something that I did. Again, didn't feel sinful about it. My buddies and I would openly acknowledge that we looked at pornography. Just had to hide it from my parents because it felt like something I needed to do in private. Wouldn't have admitted it if they asked.

A high school friend and I made up a challenge that we would neither masturbate nor look at pornography. To see how long we could go. We made it close to 100 days. He lost first. Once the competition was over, it wasn't long--less than 24 hours--before I stopped trying too.

When I was 18 years old, I decided to become Orthodox and keep halacha. I changed a lot of what I did. Lifestyle changes. Davening with a minyan three times a day. Kosher-certified only food. Stopped kissing my female friends on the cheek when I saw them and it wasn't long until I basically just stopped being friends with them altogether.

The one thing that I couldn't change was the habit of viewing pornography and masturbating. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to so badly! I felt terrible about it. I was able to do it as a challenge with my friend in high school for 100 days, but I couldn't do it for G-d for more then 3-4 days.

I went to yeshiva. Whenever I was in yeshiva, I had no struggle. Bein HaZmanim, however, the struggle returned. I thought that marriage would solve the problem. Yeah. We all know how that turned out.

One night, my wife basically caught me red handed very late at night, past midnight. I lied to her and said that I was watching sports and I flinched when she walked into the room because she surprised me. That was the last time she came that close to catching me.

Fast forward to four years ago when I joined GYE. I was no longer alone. I felt so much dissonance. How do I reconcile being this religious person--who has devoted his life to the Torah and made some serious sacrifices for it--who also regularly satisfies his sexual desires through pornography and masturbation? GYE made me feel like I wasn't alone. I could post about it and I could read others' posts about it. It was a gamechanger. GYE helped me realize that the majority good that I do and put out in the world is not negated by the fact that I struggle with pornography and masturbation.

I had some long streaks. Longer than the high school challenge. Over double the length. Wasn't enough though. Once I got some unfiltered work devices. But even then, 'falls' were never the same again. As I wrote earlier in this thread, 'falls', now, are a quick take care of it and go back to life as opposed to these long lust sessions that they were before. Still, a 'fall' is a 'fall.'

I have been in this struggle for a long time, but I am committed to putting it to rest. I know this will always be a part of me, but I can keep a plan in place and not let my guard down.

I can't go on to my rooftop and scream this out, so let this post serve as my rooftop. Here I am screaming out, "I NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT PORNOGRAPHY OR MASTURBATE EVER AGAIN!!!"

Day #16

Yesterday is in the past. I don't know what tomorrow will bring or if I will even be around to see it. All I need to be concerned about is today.

Day #17

Keep up the fight,  we're pulling for you.  Remember to tally the total victories along with the falls and realize the percentage of battles you have won!

Your life story is an inspiration - humbling for the rest of us. You obviously have many zchusim for the many changes you made in your life to become a serious yarei shomayim. The Satan looks to demoralize such people - and does a good job of doing just that with all the negative thoughts regarding this struggle. You have proven that you can live without the garbage, and it appears that in challenging moments of stress or whatever, you have a harder time. That is completely normal. One eitzah for that is when in the throes of a challenge to reach out for assistance to dissect what is triggering, and find other coping mechanisms. Hatzlocha buddy - keep inspiring!

Checking as I start the work week. I am sticking with my plan and keeping my guard up.

Day #20

Posting here for accountability. Need to stick with my plan.

Day #21

Daily post. Not going to let my guard down today.

Day #22.

I don't have access to YouTube on my personal computer. One of the outcomes of my plan of not using my work computer for non-work related things is that I don't watch YouTube. I haven't this entire streak. I am not an advocate for no TV/movies and that everyone has to give them up as a korban to overcome this struggle or else you will undoubtedly fail, still, for me, YouTube specifically has been my downfall.

It goes like this: I want to watch something of interest on YouTube. Then, the suggestions overtake me and I end up watching a lot more than just one thing of interest. At this point, I no longer have any intention or control as to what I am doing. I have been breached. Then, I see something that piques my sexual curiosity and 'fall'-mind sets in.

I looked back at 'My Diary' in the 90-Day Chart section of GYE. When I did write comments about my 'fall,' the usual culprit was this kind of loss of control over Internet use. Just letting the screen and the related videos/articles guide my time as opposed to me being in control of my time.

Yesterday, my sister sent me a link to a YouTube video. I could've just looked at the one YouTube video on my work computer and then went back to work. 3-4 minutes and that's it. But, I said "no." I know that going there is historically a problem for me. I made a plan that I wouldn't use my work computer for non-work related things. I told myself that if I am going to overcome this struggle, I have to stick to my plan and I have to trust my self-awareness. 

The decision and back-and-forth probably took 10 seconds. It wasn't difficult. I did feel a bit deflated. Like, wow, I can't even do this one thing. But, I said no and moved on. I am proud of myself.

Day #23

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 07 Mar 2024 14:37:

Is there a king emoji on here?  This is real gadlus.
"I did feel a bit deflated. Like, wow, I can't even do this one thing." Dude. You're looking at this the wrong way. You have the strength to set a necessary geder for yourself even at the cost of great inconvenience (or at least mild inconvenience lol). You said you're not an advocate of everyone having to give up movies/tv as a korban to succeed (and I have no idea if that's necessary for everyone). But setting this geder and keeping it is greater than any korban ever was - "halo lishmoa m'zevach tov". 

Agav, I think you did exactly the right thing about not stressing about it and moving on. That's somewhere the yetzer hara likes to creep in, "oh you can't just watch one video? you'll be fine if you do it, it's harmless, your sister will think you're weird if you don't, everyone does it." And the longer you think about it the worse it gets. But if you just smack down the thoughts, remind yourself it's not something you do, and move on then you avoid the problem.

Incredible, just incredible. You have changed your life. Let's face it - YouTube is the portal to Hell for so many. Making a zero tolerance policy is wise, yet courageous. The more we protect (not restrict, protect) ourselves, the more hashro'as haShechina and syatta d'shmaya there is. You are creating a beautiful safe environment for your family. Ashrecha!

This thread has given me a lot of chizuk. Yashar Koach for posting