Starting over...

I need to do more (or at least something) each day to avoid falls. Will post more about my plan later.

Plan (for 30 days):
1. Review my plan daily.
2. Daven for סייעתא דשמיא for this and other נסיונות.
3. Learn through the מראי מקומות relevant to אבן העזר ס' כ"ג. (No more than 2-5 minutes/day)
4. During work hours, use my personal computer for anything non-work related. (Work computer isn't a נסיון after hours)
5. Update GYE חברא on what I did positively to address this נסיון each day, not just that I didn't fall.

I commonly daven for personal things at the end of שמונה עשרה before taking three steps back. At מעריב tonight, I took three steps back and realized that I didn't daven for סייעתא דשמיא. After מעריב was over, I sat down in the shul, said a קאפיטל תהלים, davened for סייעתא דשמיא for this and other things and asked Hashem for forgiveness.

After my חברותא earlier tonight, I put a timer on my watch for two minutes and started פרק כל היד (section of גמרא that deals with the prohibition of masturbation). Learned for two minutes. Trying to get a better connection to the why. In other words, why is it important for me to stop masturbating (and looking at pornography)?

After posting my plan earlier today, I made sure my personal computer was on, so that anything non-work related could be done on the filtered machine as opposed to the open access work machine.

Here I am sharing my progress and sharing what I did positively to address this נסיון. So much of this process has been me trying NOT to do something. Even though it's great if a day or week went by pornography and masturbation free, at this point, for me, that was just good fortune. I know that I struggle in these areas. I have been too complacent. Too apathetic. Too פורק עול. It is time for me to starting DOING something to address this.

Day #1.

Yesterday, I reviewed my plan, davened for help, and used my personal computer for anything non-work related. I ended up falling asleep before getting to the learning part and updating part of my plan. I guess falling asleep early is not the worst thing in the world.

I felt that there was an increased burden of decision-making on me. A good thing. Too often, and this isn't necessarily a pornography and masturbation problem, but too often, I shirk the responsibility of decision-making and just spend time on the Internet. Allowing what I read about or see make the decision for me as to what to do next. I didn't allow myself to do that yesterday and I found myself asking the question, "okay, now what do I do?" more than usual. That is a good thing.

I have already reviewed my plan, davened, and have my personal machine next to me (which I am using to write this update).

Day #2

Feeling positive about my plan. Details of the plain aside, the point is that I am doing positive actions--as opposed to just not doing behaviors--to help me overcome temptation. The davening to Hashem more regularly and intentionally about it helps remind me that this is an issue that I struggle with--it isn't going away--and I can't let my guard down.

Day #5

Beautiful stuff!! Your plan is inspiring! 

May I ask a question? How about those sweet ‘ole triggers that some of us are familiar with, you know, the ones that make us want to run away from everything and stick our heads in the toilet (figuratively and literally)... Any thoughts on how to deal with that?

youknowwho wrote on 18 Feb 2024 03:01:

I don't have an answer to that question. I'd love to say that when that happens I'd reach out to a GYE chaver, but, being honest, that isn't realistic for me right now. At that point, if I am alone, I'd be stuck.

My hope is that through my regular positive actions, reflections, and accountability, I can be primed for for any such triggers that come my way.

Day #6

Now, I have reached the point where I feel like "I've got this." "I don't need GYE anymore." "I don't need to text @HHM anymore." "I'm beyond that." Even though it has only been a week since my last fall, it feels distant. It feels like something from my "past." "I don't do that anymore." Well, I don't "got this." I've never "got this."

In a certain sense, this is when the real test begins. What am I going to do?

I am going to keep davening to Hashem for help everyday. I am going to remind myself that my sexual desires and curiosities are not going away. I am going to review what the Torah says about holiness and זרע לבטלה. I am going to continue to do positive actions to address this challenge. I am going to stick around here on GYE to update you all and read and respond to your threads as well.

Day #7

I just got out of my first meeting of the day. As soon as it was over, I went to my web browser to look up something unrelated to work. I reminded myself of my self-imposed rule to not do that and I opened my personal computer.

I spent more time yesterday on GYE than I have in a while. It is helpful to share my progress and that creates a certain sense of accountability, but it is equally as helpful to read about others' struggles and successes.

I did have an urge yesterday and, I am pretty sure that, without my increased attention to this struggle, I would've had a fall. I didn't even get close to a fall yesterday. Just a normal urge.

Day #8

This is a 'keeping my guard up' post. Yesterday was non-eventful in terms of this struggle. No urges. Nothing even close. A perfect day for me to reason that I can just move on and stop focusing so much on not masturbating/viewing pornography.

Truth is, I cannot move on. I have been dealing with this struggle for twenty years. It doesn't mean that everyday has to be some sort of epic battle, but at least to recognize on an ongoing basis that I have this struggle and I can't let me guard down.

Posting here to hold myself accountable for another day.

Day #9

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 22 Feb 2024 13:13:

Good stuff.
I find that focusing on the positives helps me. To me, constant awareness is not thinking "I may fall any second". But rather "life is so much better clean I will make today full of Chayim". Feeling the postives and wanting life....


Continued Hatzalacha!!

I am proud of myself for again getting serious about my struggle with masturbation and pornography. I am really not finding it difficult. Maybe one or two urges in the last ten days. But I have prevented so many triggers from even happening in the first place. I am finding that the increased control that I am exercising is spilling over into other areas of my life. Better living.

Day #10

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 23 Feb 2024 13:27:

I'm glad to hear that you're not finding it difficult . However, let me add the crucial word YET. It's bound to get hard at some point, which is why all of us here are here in the first place.
This is a war. Complacency is our greatest enemy .
KUTG!!

Day #12

Checking in as a I start the work week.

Day #13