the charatah is finnaly kicking in..... I am on the verge of tears.... not because I heard any big mussar, and not because I had any hissorerus, but rather because of what I am.... hineniy heaniy me'maas  ... what will I say to the borei olam?

2 months ago I pushed my physical and mental limits, with the realisation that any negligence on my part, would result in irrepairable tradgety. sleep and food where optional,     ....and why? because i realised that unlike teshuva, I would forever be held accountable for my actions, and I would never be forgiven by my mother.   I immagined her asking me if I tried my hardest...and what I was doing at that tragic moment...and this sole realization fueled me to redefine my body's limits.

The time I waste looking t pictures and videos of utter znus.... for that time they will be tovei me for both the aveira, the hirhurim, the keystokes, the tayva, and every single drop of zera lebvatala.... and what will I say?    Hashem will ask me, "nu you called yourself shmiras, so let's see what you do bechedrei chedarim !"                                oy lee   vay lee......  mah ehneh, unah ashiv?        oy lee vay lee      oy li miosoh busha, vay lee meoso chlima             tatteh   'hatzila micherev nafshi, miyad kelev yichidasi'                         hareini bah lifaneicha kikli malei busha uchlima                            

tatte you gave me ramach mitzvot, to utilize all 248 limbs letovah... you ghave me a bris kodesh, and i was mafeir it. All the fragments of my hand worked in sync to type assur searches     my wrists moved gracefully over the keys, meticulously algning my fingers with the propper leters        my sinues and muscles operate with deftly coordinated precision.... to see znus                        and on every one of these eivvarim i will pay for in full.....                     if I have not used them lemitzva, and have opnly used them for terrible aveiros....what will be left of me in olam haba.  my eyes are the most tamei of them alll.  my mind is perverted with millions of imiges of znus -arayos- pitzus- and histaklos asuros.... these aren't just diferebtnt words dfo for the same thing..they are varied angles of what I did wrong           my mouths contorts to form the sound of lashon hara... I am a ba'al lashoin hara               my ears cannot be closed from listening to lashon hara         my neck was raised in gayva a time too many      my shopulders hunched fowards to press my nose against the screen        my back hunched over the immages of -------------        my bris kodesh is SO nifgam, that i will be left with nothing more than a smoldering stub of coal in it's place.... even in gan eden i would have a pillar of smoke rising from my loins              my legs ran to do aveiros, and my intestines passed foul gasses whem I learnt torah        



what will be left of me???????      what can i take with me?????????????   tatte!!!!!    not ony are you toveia for the aveiros, but also for the lack of mitzvos!!!!


oy lee vay kee...... oy lee miyom hadim, oy lee miyom hatocheicha..



I shet many tears when writing this....but i still havent reached 'rock bottom'

The G-d I know, patted me on the head one day and helped me see that:

             ...I need not be afraid of chadrei chadorim any more - because I invite others into it when I openly admit the truth about my behavior in (safe) meetings.

             ...I need not worry about whether I have charoto - because the ikkar was 'chosair min haseifer' all the years that I had the charota - but now I've got the ikkar...I am sober today.

             ...I can really trust Him (at least sometimes!) to give me what I need when I need it. And that includes charota as much as it includes intimacy and sex. (and they are both parts of avodas Hashem, so I won't say "l'havdil"...)

             ...I can't pay much attention to my aveiros - I can look at Hashem instead. (I've embarked on the path of shivisi Hashem lefonai somid, rather than the path of vechatosi negdi somid. I need to do what works for me.

             ...When I do what I need to do, he will help me lose the secrets and lies; get the charota; get the love; and be mekayem vechatosi negdi somid - somehow.  

              ...I screwed up running my life and even screwed up doing teshuvah - but it's gonna be OK because now I am finally learning how to work for a different employer than me.

              ...All the charota and years of sobriety, or kedusha  in the world is not worth a single moment of comfortable subservience to Hashem's Will. He is the Boss. Once we accept that, He seems to allow all the weight of the garbage to slip off us. We then start to see lust (and our aveiros) as something that doesn't define us any more. We actually grow from it.

And that is the experience of most recovering people I have met.

So take it easy, trust a little, get the heck out of His way, and go one step at a time, chaver.

Listen well, ki pi Hashem dibber!

Wow! R' Dov, I have thinking of what I can tell our friend for about 1 1/2 hours, & then You come around and in an instant I see that you chose the PERFECT wording!

R' Shmiras, Listen well. When Dov speaks he is putting into words all our thoughts.

Dov

Eini eini yardah mayim!!

Shemiras I won't touch a word rebbereber=DOV

Just said

I hope guard has GOLD fonts for this one

It belongs in the GUE HALL of FAME!!


Just listen closely to what dov says

*Sigh*...

I hate to be so blunt, but SE's post of charata sounds like what we all say after a fall, or series of falls, once the taivah has dissipated and we are left feeling like ****.
But it doesn't help us much once the Taivah is back again.

*Sigh*

For real change to last, we need to listen, internalize - and do along the lines of Dov's golden words.

If you want to be a winner, stick with the winners.

Yeah, you better listen to me, or else! Hah, hah.... ;D

OK. So I did what some other guy here does and reread my post, and here's a thought (cuz your'e so quiet, SE):

"OK, so I gotta do this, do that, accept this, accept that, grow up, whatever....it's too much! No matter how beautiful it is, it's - just - too - much!! AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sound familiar to your heart? It does to mine. Especially when I remember being the guy who has already "seen the Promised land" of sanity, and still just acted out. Again. Like the chaza"l about "How did we climb this giant mountain?". We cry the same thing - but way too early!

Got me so far?

The trick is to accept that this stuff can actually be done incrementally. It's weird. But true. Every addict I know has discovered that he can actually get a little bit better today - even though that seems like we are just being louder hypocrites! But we discover that we aren't hypocrites if we admit that we are just unable to be totally honest, change employers and finally give our lives to Hashem, etc., etc....now.

Part of us screams that it's either all or nothing...and that is a lie. So be brave enough to seem hypocritical and take one measly step today with all of us.

So in step 1.... I am sopposed/expected to slip and fall. Just that it;s different becaus I am doing it as a chelek of hashem's world. I am an ones in my actions, and the only escape is for hashem to fight this for me.... ve'ilmalei hakadish baruch hu ozro, aino yuchal lo.


BTW my matzav just got alot better.......shmiras is going back to EY.........eventualy......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    We are gonna print a pile of haskamos, and go post it in meah shearim, da Mir's bulletin board, and mybe even get a few pizza shops to be mezakeh the tzibbur by framing it for all to see (and not to forget that shawarma place next to bais yeshaya    hopefully he will be a good sport)                  and we'll get the oranim guy to hang one on the door to his van.....

re-wread it yet again............and yet again..............and even a 4th time


chazaras hashiur,      chazaras hashiur,       

shemirateinayim wrote on 11 Apr 2010 03:56:


:D :D

I don't think Dov means we should expect to fall...or even necessarily sleep. But even if we can stop the unhealthy acting out (one day at a time), we're certainly not going to become healthy people overnight. That's why it's one day at a time - even though inside, we're thinking that we can't do this forever, and this isn't who we really are, etc. That's OK - as long as I'm clean today. We're not looking to become a different person immediately, even though that might be nice. It's very slow, steady work.

As you can all see, I am engrossed in thought.....hmmm  (look at my avatar)

            Yeh, just that the mindset of a fall, and the metzius of the fall, are gonna be alot different.

is this the 3rd time i am saying farewell???
Once b4 i went to EY,    once recntly when i finnaly had something more to do than sitting in-front of the computer,  and now after deleting all my emails (no bad ones B"H) I am left with no excuse to check on the internet.    true I want to keep on GYE, but lemayseh it's better for my learning to stay away from the silicone chips entirely.    Texting is more than enough.


Thanks everyone for the support, growth and guidance.  To everyone who has my 'offline' contact info, please keep in touch occasionaly... thank you everyone.


i AM NOT CURED OF MY ADDICTION, I AM RATHER MAKING A FORMAL KABBALA TO STOP USING THE INTERNET.....ENTIRELY. hirhurim and Hz"l are still gonna tempt me, but without the internet, i am not capable of visualising a woman's appearance.      heck I went on 2 dates, and still couldn't recognise the girl..... when halacha is mechayeiv one to have a am ha'aretz check the kalah, one of the nosei keilim on the shulchan aruch, say it's so they won't swtich her!!!      That applies to me. without being magzim.    So even for hirhurim i cannot visualise anytthing assur, not anymore.   




I will miss you all, tremendiosly!!!!  bye

Dear SE, if you are still there, friend -




Why do you talk of falling, in the first step? Unless I am mistaking you, you are not the first to equate this "giving up" thing with falling....it's not what it means, at all.

The one who surrenders does not act out. He or she never does. It makes one free of the lust because we get out of His way and allow Him - yes, allow Him - to remove it. At least temporarily. It is in surrendering that we let go of the lust "opportunity". The giving up is of two things simultaneously:

1- the lust opportunity

and

2- the need to overcome the overwhelming desire ("need" is more like what it feels like) to go back after it right away, just to reduce the pain of not having our fix!

Those who think that "giving up" has anything whatsoever to do with giving in to the temptation have never done it themselves yet, and have not yet tasted this derech of recovery.

Hatzlocha with whatever derech you go on, Reb Shmira!!

Message from Shemirat Einayim:

Boruch Hashem, I've been clean since the first day of Roch Chodesh Iyar!

GEVALDIG!!

KUTGW, KUT, MT, ETC!!

Update:

Shemirat Einayim is in yeshiva shteiging to even greater heights.

He cut himself off from Internet connection, therefore he asked me to update his thread.