OK for once I don't have to care much about all my typos.... since for me typing without them would definitely be a ma'aseh uman. Plus the Mishna Berura holds that acc. to the ramam there is a mayla in doing even mutar melacha with a shinuy.... (btypedthis bwith my noswe {realy!}.
Today is day 11 My last 2 slips where only hz"l not a blown out p--- rampage C"V
I had to report in tzy machmas my farshtunkener Yetzer Hara, umitzad sheini I needed the lift. I spent shabbos at my rebbe, thankfull for the respite from the stress at home... and happy to sbe in a place I call "home". You see I am VERY close to my rebbe, and have stayed over by his home many times. he's like a 2nd home whenever I am in his city. And among the many berachhos hashem Has blessed him, is many children....and a handfull of girls.
i had always maintanied unigue gedarim, between me and his daughters... not ever talking to them for even the mutar things...unless there truly was NO alternative (even not "pass the OJ". And one weirder one. you see, although I know how many kids he has total, and I know all of the boys, I never allowed myself to dot he mathematical calculation of 10-6= I simply never let myself know how many girls he has. Now i am sure that you will all reafirm your assumption that I am a quack and meshugana kanai~shoteh.... but the logic behonf this, is that If I don't know how many there are, I will never associate their the glances I get of them, witht their names or faces. You see, I can spend a 2 day Yom tov in shis house, and not have seen his girls .....even once. And this rebbe both knows of my addiction, my longest clean streak, and he also knows that I don't know what his daughters look like or how they dress... (I once chepered him about tznius, and the lenth of a skirt...so he snapped back at me "do you know what my daughters look like" (exact quote) then there was this eary silence that we where both thinking 'that didn't come-out right' "Ummm avtualy no." so he says "oh" and he's thinking whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?????? )
Just alittle prequel to my shmiras einayim>>>> so you can understand the story better. When I walk down the street, or therough the hallways of a building, I can accurately detirmine the gender of EVERY SINGLE PERSON by glancing at the way they walk or stand.... and i only have to glace at them in my periphral vision. This heavenly gift allows me to detirmine who ISN'T a guy, and thus not look in their direction. And if they ARE a guy, I can say hello or gud shabbos.
back to our story: so mayseh shehaya kach haya. As soon as we came back from shul, I misstook his yungest daughter (alittle over bas mitzva) for one of his sons.... I looked strait at her face for a second or 2. Untill I went....whooops
Then when they al gather~round for shalom aleichem, I notice that the flowers, strategicly placed there to block my vision (whether the rebetzins stragey or hashems...) needed to be moved over half a foot. So from the start it was gonna be a 'fun' meal.
I have a good voice, and I am capable of hiting all those high notes that the yeshivishe chevra always ends up on.... but cracks. So it isn;t unusual for me to do a few short solos by zemiros. .....And that is when my Y"H starts. 'nice voice, the girls must all be looking at you to see if you can make it through without sqeeking croaking or belching it out" "I wonder if any of them have any freinds who they can 'set me up' with" "look at me I have a good voice" "I have an itch in a place I can't scratch in public....rats"
So by the time we finished eishes chayil....my battle had already begun. To make things worse, the family kept cheppering the olderst son about what he needs to look for in a kallah.... with all his sisters showing off how womanly they are, and how clueless he is to that ("some people can never understand women") And there I am trying to not visible squirm in my seat.
What pulled me through? I remembered that one of the nosei eilim on the tur expalin the gemara that hirhurai aveira are bigger than the actual ma'aseh aeira" to be talking about a penuya. And he brings a pasuk "Bris Karasi leAinai Unah Esbonen Al besulah the entire meal I treid visualizing that pasuk. And every time I did I recovered from my YH, and felt a wholesome shleimus and kedusha..... it felt good.
As the meal progressed, I just jept doping the same thing, and always fully closing my eyes at every oppertunity. Zmiros....ah close em. Divrei torah....Ah close them and pretend you are thinking 'harder' Sneeze....ah pretend you are holding one back He said something styupid....just close em and shake your head tired?.....nah no point in faking that, if I will anyways stay up till 1am.
After the meal, I just ran strait for the study/library/beis medrah and got comfortable behind a gemara. and what did the sugya deal with....yup yet some more triggers..... darn JUST KOT
At 12ish I started to hear some doors open upstairs, mybe a sink running.....so now my YH starts getting lumdish. AHa netilas yadayim, you know what that means...onas Talmid chacham beshabas (yeh even about a rebbe he can try making me think--- boy I'm a nebach)
So I learn alittlw louder hoping they realize I am up, and DO NOT come down to learn afterwards (sheesh just what I need to see, what rebbe you are fully rested after 2 hours? no? so why are you up....duhhh)
Wakeup shachris....no problem, but coming bach from shull and it seems like we all forgot a halacha, achorei __?___ velo achorei nashim. I forgot what the memra was, but I know it was something like a sheid or the malach hamaves. So when my rebbe asked me 'vas machtzu?" I tried hard not to blurt out 'lo yelhaleich adam achorei isha...and your doughters may not be a problem for you, but HELLO WHAT ABOUT ME???? I manadged to walk behind everyone, and block their tenuas hiluach from veiw, by putting his son between me and them.
then comes the meal....yet again, a handfull of girls all physicaly matured, and 1 of them old enough to get married.....bris karasi leainai umah esbonen al besulah!!!! alalalalalalahh die Y"H!!!
After the meal it wasn't so bad, just that I accidentaly had a split second peak at the youngest daughter (who bh doesn't have the build, waistline, or looks of her sisters....and she is probably only 14-15) darn.... why did I have to mess up in the daytime also?
The after noon went well, except for 2 stupid oneisim. Stupid because i could have prevented them If only I remembered not to look at anywhere with family pictures. Bacuase normaly I mentaly balnk-out the girls pictires, and quasi focus on the pictures of the guys. But I passed by a picture that I didn;t expect to be there, and I also glanced into the living room while I was learning....something I had no need to do.
OK so 30odd hours, 4 girls+ a rebetzin....and only 4 peeks. 2 at the youngest girl, 1 at a picture and 1 that I glaced to short to see who it was... you may think I am crazy 4 complaining, but the ems is that hashem is gonna grill me for these, he gave me unnatural abilities to be shomer einayim.. I could have walked out 100% and not just 99.99%
1 last thing: It was the first time I bumped into a married freind, and went pver for shalish seudos....to catch up. I never thought about that faz of life, where your freinds want to do the formalities of introducing their family, and showing you their cute babies....which their wife happen to be holding. but I don't think I did anything which they will have any tevious on me in shamayim
A gut yom tov, chak kooooooosher vesameiach.....and beruchim hanemtzaim
You guys can contact me via Yosef Hatzaddik.
AH eh duvar shwel toiya....toyra hakdoisha oh oooh oooh toyar hakdoisa......
Hoid shebechesed - day 5 - kinyan hayom Aimah
Yeshaya 1, paasuk 3 yada shor koneihu vechamor avus ba'alav....yisrael lo yada imi hisbonein" We must be mehaleil omeshabeich hashem for the tovos he does with us. They are even so regular and frequent, ad kedai kash that me SO expect them every day....we even call them 'natural'. And Beteva shebeolam. And from this hoda'ah we should m=be machnia ourselves.
Sefer Omer Hatunufa:
Yerushalmi maaser sheinei berek5 halacha 3 brings the pasuk "letet menat hakohanim vahalivi'im lema'an yechzeku betoras hashem" When one realizes that the chesed he gets comes from hashem who is CONSTANTLY and INCESCENTLY mischaseid with us...and metoch that hergesh he is mehaleil omeshabeish hashem... such a hoda'ah is Hod shebechesed.
