SE,

Kol HaKovod, my man. May HKB"H find you the best recovery system for you, and May He bless you with Peace.

KOT!!!

dear SE,
i don't think your idea to post here in hebrew is a good idea as we are not alone here.. :-[
but it would be an excellent idea if you open a new thread in the hebrew forum that i'm alone there so far  :'( :'(

OneLife wrote on 03 Mar 2010 12:37:


i read your thread there , but I can't type in hebrew!!!!

I had an idea, I know a few bachurim who know too much about the internet, and have software that clears any trace of their history....hmmm I wonder why...duh!  I will tell them about the haskamos, and the reffrence to this site in mishpacha. Hopefully they will start borrowing a laptop to post on the forum, instead of surfing -----

deal. 

shemirateinayim wrote on 03 Mar 2010 14:59:


Kol hamezake es harabim ein chet bah al yadoh! That would be a GREAT segulah! :D

guardureyes wrote on 03 Mar 2010 20:36:


This is so important for me to keep drilling into my head, that I had to save it over here also.

I will TRY duvid chaims call....although I don't expect to continue it, I realy don't expect it to be for me. And forthe record, I am no longer in the same rut...this one has softer upholstery, and is much cleaner by comparison. My old rut, and it's old withdaraw symptoms make my current matzav look like childs play.

I guess I will also make a daily seder to look at the handbook and attitude...but bli neder! I will start today (also Bli Neder)

Update:  I am actualy having to put an effort into not looking at women, and where-as I have numerous psakim allowing me to look at women when talking to them, I feel that the exposure is realy pulling me down in the long run. I will try counting how many times a day I can be shomer einayim, totaly oblivious to the paople arounf me. (FYI I have an uncanny ability to tell a person's gender by just seeing them walk for a milisecond,,,in my peripheral vision.

shemirateinayim wrote on 04 Mar 2010 01:02:


Ya SE... I dont think its going to work for YOU either...well definitely not if you go in wiht that attitude. Go in thinking it will work. Set it in your mind that this is it. The Rambam says that when were faced with a decision to do something good or bad we should view this decision as if its going to 'tip the scales' for us. So why not view this as "its going to work!" Things only work as much as you believe in thema nd the effort you put into it. You will soon see from DC's calls that addiction is about or motivations and perceptions. The sooner we start seeing the world through a different lens, then we'll see the results. So SE, why not start now! change your perception of the DC calls. Whatever your reason you dont think its going to work, just say its going to work!

Kol Tuv,

-Yiddle

I don't know why this is finnaly happening NOW, but I am happy it didn't take any longer. I finnaly admitted to being an addict, which took 1.5 years, and I was willing to try the 12 steps. And tonight I had to admit , that while volentarily surfing p---, this is what i WANT to do. Forget about "rock bottom", i am still enjoying the avaira.  And now I have no reason why I should not do the 12 steps.

If I LIKE and CHOOSE to surf p---, then why will I ever change, becuase of limud hatorah?? The Talmidei chachamim on this site will attest to that, in this dor you can learn REALY well, and watch p--- bein hasedarim. I once heard a shmuz from the Rosh Kollel of 'Beis'* who put it very bluntly. "In previous doros, one couldn't amount to anything in torah, without internalising mussar. You couldn't know shas without being on a certain level, it simply was not possible. But nowadays a bachur can learn first seder, surf the internet during lunch, and come back a half hour late to pulg-away second seder" (tochein divarav). I realized this a half a year before I heard it from him, when I thought that I was the exception to this rule, and still a descendednt of the previous doros. I had seen my growth in various areas of middos, as a direct resulty of my learning.

But there is one exception. PORN . I will once day finish shas, and a few days later I will be surfing p---. simple as that.

I need to do the 12 steps, I need to do the phone confrences (BUT I HAVE SHIUR ???), somehow...??? And I need to organize a way of getting my parents to install k9. I am not the only one that needs it, I have found the browser's history deleted b4, and it wasn't from me!

OK step 1:        page 25 in the handbook, now read along with me. Enjoy the comentary:

  Hey, hashem fights this for me?? and sort-of like a freebe! why don't they mention this on the forum??? THIS kind of stuff sells!!
 
  OK, I may have technicly reached rock bottom, because I am in the process of finnaly admmiting this will never get better. And B"H I don't need to get deviorced and bancrupt first, it makes shidduchim more fun when you actualy plan to stay married to her for the rest of your life!!  (provided she never catches me online) - ok morbid humor, mybe not so funny

  I notice you reffer to the first 3 as a "roof", does this have anything to do with the gemara sukach that "al shem haschach kreya sukkah?" Also sanhedrin 4-5 rashi says it even more blatantly (who here does the daf?)

  You mentioned learniung alef beis before "before we can continue on to learn torah and reach highere levels" um... but you only type it english? so how is that gonna work

  Not only do you make me read the handbook *in gemara niggun* but now I have to search the old site for emails 438-450 *poking thumb into air*  *stroking immaginary beard*

  You seem to forget about the no coersion part.... just kiddin. After I get through this, you had better watch out GUARD, beause if I ever found out who ytou are, I am gonna give you a backbreaking bearhug! nagging is worse than coersion, it makes you feel bad about yourself. Coersion lets you relax while they do it for you!      -I take lazy to a whole new level.

  ** I know this may be very hard on you,  but for once Beis guys cannot show any Yeshiva pride!!!  8p

Most importantly:

Step 1:    admitting defeat
step 1b: No, realy, this won't go away
step 1c: You told yourself 1,000 times that you are only addicted to the "whitewash" effect, not true. Tonight I surfed oics for the enjoyment of seeing pretty -females-, and for the enjoyment of getting exited
step 1d:  whatever my next excuse is gonna be, it's sheker vekazav!
step 1e: "You are puny.."  *said in the voice of California's governer

Step 2 :  ooh finnaly the easy one. ANi ma'amin be'emunah shelaima shehaborei yisbarach shmo..... just space in when you say it every day

Step 3: Let go and let G-D.  wow that's easy. Hey 'tatte' I'll be in the corner playing yugioh with imTrying25
step 3b:  tatty the Y"H is bothering me, tell him to stop!!!    whaa whaa!
stpe 3c:  tatty the Y"H said he won't stop, and will try to kill me. Even though you helped me today he swore to kill me tomorrow!

these 3 I can live with, for the rest of my life. With no busha whatsoever......except that I still need to push the first step alittle more. (hey I am trying!!.....sortof)

SE, I'm really happy that you're doing this work - and I'm happy for two basic reasons - because I know that this will make you truly happy eventually, despite the difficult work, and because it will finally allow your holiness to come through in a true way, not in a distorted, unbalanced way, twisted by the addiction...

I love you, man!!

OK I am very afraid to post this, because I don't want to tip the boat, C"V.

But EVERY SINGLE NISSAYON (bar one) that I had today, I remembered that Hashem is supposed to be doing the fighting. So by every single nissayon I reminded myself of that single point, and PoOoOofffff  the Y"H went away. 

8)

1 question? why did I have to wait so long to admit I am an addict????                      oh wait... beacuse I am stubborn (runs in my blood)

That's beautiful!

OK I hate when I get a response to my posts, and it's on the top of a new page! I have to click 'back', scroll all the way to the bottom, read MY last post, then click 'next', and read the latest post!!!

          tatte why do I have to suffer such yissurim??

But at least my Y"H is still fighting with the bounces at the door.    I had a tayva today during shalosh seudos, so I merely slosed my eyes and begged "tatte, my Y"H is here, and I am a helpless addict to shmutz?!?  Tatte my Y"H..... Tatte please save me, "hatzilah mecherev nafshi miyad kelev yechidasi"....tate he is gonna kill me.....you called him RAHY....you where mischareit on making him, because we aren't fighting.....this is why we are still in this stinkin galus.....tatte I wana be close to you... tatte, save me? tatte you love me, please save me from my Y"H.... I want to do teshuva, but I can't so it without you...tatte .....tatte......avinum, malkeinu....tatte please" And on the verge of tears, I realised that Hashem had just saved me from a terrible Y"H, and it had only brought me closer!!


Shir Hama'alos mimaAmakim!! even in the darkest of depth, davka there we are supposed to serve you!!

In retrospect, even the RA is megaleh the cavod of Hashem "Yeshader lan sgufrai venechzai biykarei"    See R tzadok on this week.

For the benefit of all, I am posting this posts here, in reponse to a question on the balabatim's forum:





I only learnt of shmiras einayim, through an interesting bit of hashgacha pratis, when I first hit ROCK BOTTOM 4 years ago. I had been surfing through the most vile shmutz online, trying to find anything that might still exite me. I tried various form of revolting contect, all sickening, but still capable of giving me a mild pleasure.    Untill I snapped. I was discusted with myself and could not bear to see what had become of me.  And in a life-changing turn of events, I found frumteens.com with their thread of GF, shomer negiah, and a reffrence to 'The Magic Touch'. Although I wasn't yet involved with girls, the book (or website) mentioned a teshuva in the igos moshe, about GF. I went to the beis medrash and looked it up..... uh oh!                                    B"H, although I was about to while my hand was doing what it shouldn't, I made a kabalah to try being shomer einayim, even if I couldn't do it online. I looked for sefarim, and came-up empty handed. my yeshiva didn't have any sefarim to help, except for a little breslav one dumped on a shelf in the otzar. (Being the gabai sefarim, I knew the whereabouts and story behinfd every single one). I triedlearning it, and it gave me a good jump start. I looked for the halachot, but found nothing in the Shulchan Aruch, more than "any geder you set for yourself, has the paower of an issur dirabanan". So I set gedarim.
1. I could not longer walk down a certain street, I could no longer look at a certain house. No more looking around shul for a 'certain someone', and no more trying to flirt with her.
2. Do not look at women, any women.

It was very. very hard....gehenom. It physicaly hurt me to close my eyes, and I suffered umbearable agony to look away! But with the passing of time (months) I started to get the hang of it. I would firts move my eyes away, or focus them on the weave and pattern on the jacket of the person in front of me.    I stopped eating-out, and locked myself into my yeshiva's building.    I finnaly had my shmiras einayim under controll. I could eat-out (occasionaly) and not look at the hostess. Although in truth, it wasn't untiill half a year ago, that doing so didn't bother me.

But my battle was not to look at physical women. It has an issur of it's own...and you will shudder when I show you what it is (send me a PM to hear it). I never started bettling my hz"l and hirhurim...untill I found this site.

SO the best answer I have for you, is that in this area, I have toiled and pained myself SO MUCH, that I have no Y"H. And the story in gan hachayot still brings a smile to my face...... you should have seen HER face  :D I wonder what she was thinking )what she was sayiong came-out in a disbeleiving stutter!  ;D no exadurations)

I had an amazing realization today. That when I am enjoying the scenery of a park, or basking in the glory of the ribino shel olam's beutifull world, my first reaction is for hz"l.  In my mind the two are equal, enjoyment=tayvas nashim.  And it took me 20 minutes of implementing the steps to drill it into my head, youcan enjoy something, without acting out!

With my history, i should have an issur yichud with myself..... but hopefully this can be corrected with some re-education.