Barush Shehechiyanu.  there is some great stuff on there, and what to help improve.  I like the old site better, the facts page shows me all my options in one list. I don't have the patients to learn the new one. Although as far as graphics the new one is beutifull, and with all the attrative and felpfull links one needs

From GuardurEyes.com



see here http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ30.asp

Mybe it's just my Y"H that leads me to searcj through all the GYE material, but I honestly think that my addiction has been reduced. What diferance does it make?   I will resume shidduchim. And joining a 12 step group will be out of the question.

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 17 Feb 2010 21:02:


i don't think your addiction is reduced but could be controlled much better.

behazlacha!

My personal opinion? Your desire to get back into shidduchim is not allowing you to be objective, and you're trying to find excuses. I know from my own experience that getting trying to get involved in shidduchim without being clean is NOT a good move.

In my current situation, I have been able to see in exactly what areas of avodas hashem I have come a long way, and what is still a work in progress. Included in this ongoing nissayon, is my tayvas nashim. I see how often I slip, and in what ways, and how long it lasts. And the results, although they make me look bad on the charts, are complimentary. To be in my matzav, so far from the beis Hamedrash, and slip so very little. Very recently I have started going 'out of my keilim'!!! And I use GYE to dull my brain, and keep me from tearing my hair out!

By my old standards, including where I was holding last pesach, I should be surfing shmutz for hours on end! But reality is that I am falling mybe 5% of the time that I should be (by all previously guadged levels of addiction). And this reaslisation has brought me to make this cheshbon Hanefesh.

BTW, as they say 'once an addict always an addict'. So even an addict must get married at some point, albeit a relitively healthy one. And as long as I don't have unrestricted internet at home, I will not have an outlet to fall (z"l isn't so much an issue for me anymore). And I tell shadchanim (when they ask about Movies.  NO TV,MOVIES, NOVELS, INTERNET,........if she works on it, WHITELIST+Reporting)

I copyied the entire dialog from this thread, to http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1810.msg54101[/b]]http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1810.msg54101

And if you read what I wrote there about my addiction, together with the obvious lack og effort I put into it (evident by my slips/falls), it should be obvious that the reason for my success is the effort I had previously put into this. Additionaly, the extent of my cravings, urges,and drives, have denminished to 0.0001% of what I used to be!

OK this constant process of ON-OFF the wall is getting me sick.

Not enough peole follow my thread to justify me constanly checking it.

So for the time being, I am locking this.  I would delete it entirely, but people apparently read it, so there is what for them to gain.

Thanks SB for constantly checking-in here. Much appreciated.

After falling again today, I used the oppertunity to have a hear-to-heart with myself.
I cannot controll my slips. Like grains of sand falling through my fingers, I merely hold back the floodgate, helpless to the ever-constant nissyonos that plague me.



i am terribly ashamed of myself. For all the wasted potential, in and more-so for the wasted time! I am a sex addict, and I want to ruin the life of a beutifull girl, by  marrying with my the addiction. I know just how embarrased I would be if I went-out with someone from the girls forum, and had to reveal this to her. Now just immagine if the girl has no exposure to the reality of the internet, and I am telling her that I am one of those people who spend hours looking at....    Then I have to get into the nitty gritty details with the shadchan, as she consults with rabanim and psycologists. And my mother will be pestering me for the details, and hopefully not asking the shadchan directly, "what is going on?"       And what will the shvigger say? " My son in-law Rabbi S--addict" ??

At least let me say I did teshuva, am 90 days clean and progressively woking on changing the adverse effects this will have on my relationship to her.
But for that I need acountability
To acheive this I need to diligently work on myself
To accomplish this I need prefessionl help
To reach my goals I need GYE

and in doing so I will post my progress here.
I will try and report to this thread after every slip, and in doing so compose and compile the sichos mussar that will lift me to my feet.

Shoshan Purim is a yom mesugal for me in my growth. 4 years ago I began the long road to acheive everything I have done in yeshiva so far. And now...it has come time to seek help.

My dear friend SE...You constantly inspire me, as you grow and continue to shine.

Please report to this thread every day, and please let it be clean days! I want to hear from you, and not only when there are bad things happening!

I am here because I spent 3 and a half hours watching TV, and if that is not bad enough, I sat there gawking at the screen sizing up the actresses. I am usualy not that big of a pervert, nor have I ever done this in real life. I don't know what is coming over me? Am I now dealing with areas in which I have long been desensitized? Or is this an aditionaly Y"H at my new level in the gutters?

What does hakadosh baruch hu want from me?  Is it not enough that I learn torah day and night? Is it not enough that before  my current situation my sleep was nothing more than a "nap" so that I could continue learning before alois?  Was it not enough that I was shomereinayim, even in circumstances where even great men fall?        Why did HKB"H put me into a matzav where I will come to post my discrase at 5:20 in the morning? What is it that i can only get out of this matzav? What avoda is it?

Mybe it's hasmada, to learn all this time. And whereas I can easily choose to stay awake untill 4am without so much as a yawn, I should do so in my learning? That when I don't have the sugya clear, I should stay up untill I do, and make-up the sleep later? But no, since I would have reached thatdarga in yeshiva eventualy anyway.

Hashem wanted me to be here, on this computer, and battling the incescent urge to watch TV and DVDs. And even with an acountability partner, who will read a detailed account of my discrase when he checks his emails, I will still fall.  Mybe hashem wants me to cry myself to sleep over my addiction, to beg and plead for a salvation from the Y"H? Mybe he puts me in such a situation, robbing me of my sevivah, and then my sedarim, then my chavrusah's and zmanei halimud, all so that I should face this beast. Galuy Veyaduah lefnei mi sheamar vehaya haolam, that I wouldn't be doing this, that I wouldn't be touching a computer, and that I would rather waste an hour driving in circles than to merely check something up online. And if I would not be having this issue, than I could not deal with it!

True, a lack of stimuli and triggers, in addition to circumstances that rule-out any chance of z"l, tayvos, etc, would leave me "clean", However i would be nothing more than a "dry drunk", ready to fall at the next oppertunity. And even with 90 days clean, the habbit is still there, and the lack of a propper framework and structure to deal with my feelings, would bring me to it eventualy.

So now that I know this is my avodah, what do I do? posting on GYE all day only serves as sur meira, to thje extent it does. but what is my proactive plan now??

It sounds like you're asking a lot of good questions - now you need to find the answers...I look forward to hearing your insights!

I would mention that as far as 90 days, if you could be clean for that long, it would help tremendously, because although the habit is still there, it's no longer as strong of a "first response" to boredom, or when you're in front of a computer.

dear SE, didn'y you lock your thread??  :-\ :-\

i wish you luck,

if you can post here just a little shorter posts it be better, we can read this and give you chizukkim...  :-[ :-[

you are a holy man , its just the peels.

Hey SE,

I hope you are doing better. We all need to fall at some point in order to forward. What I would tell you this: Dont look at it as a "I'm learning so much Torah! How could this be happening to me?" Maybe its not how much Torah you learn, its just how you approach the Torah every time you learn it. Why are you learning? Why are you doing anything you do? Torah is a an amazing tool that Hashem has given us. if we approach the Limud in the wrong way, Lehefech, it could be detrimental to our Avodah. "What? Torah can bring me further away from Hashem?" Ya, if used improperly, Tiorah can create a certain gaivah within us that really nothing else can. Think about it. If someone (not specifically refering to you, SE) learns Torah all day and now has a vast knowledge of Torah, but goes around boasting about it and showing off his knowldege of Torah, then what good has the Limud done for him? I suggest you take a different approach to your Limud. Limud Hatorah should be used to bring us closer to Hashem in a way that no other Mitzvah can. Talmud Torah Keneged Kulam.

If you want to know more about this idea, chack these sources out that I have compiled from various posts on the forum:

Nefesh Hachaim shaar 4 perek 6

Nefesh Hachaim ibid perek 5 and Ba’er Heitiv O’CH siman 571 s”k 1

Nefesh Hachaim ibid perek 7

(I think they are either from Battleworn or Yaakov Schwartz, forgot)

If anyone would like to write up something on these that would be great becasue I tried learning them and its kind of difficult to understand it.

Be good, SE!

-Yiddle

dear SE,

you are a very intelligent and brave man to face the truth of your addiction. Half the battle is won, whether you believe it or not. An addict is one who knows he has to stop, but can not. We can get pauses, but we are constantly afraid of falling again and again. How do we get out of this loop?

First, now that you have admitted that you are an addict, realize addiction is like an allergy. Once allergic to peanuts, you will be forever allergic to peanuts, even if you stop eating them for 20 years. one bite, and your throat will constrict, and you're in grave danger. SO STEP ONE IS TO REALIZE YOU CAN NOT FOOL YOURSELF EVER AGAIN to think that I AM IN CONTROL, I CAN JUST LOOK THIS MUCH AND WONT FALL FURTHER. You must take ACTIVE steps to stay away from that which you are allergic to. Pass a pretty woman, don't give her a second look. Avoid the movies and the TV like the plague. Really. REALLY. Your life depends on this. you are ALLERGIC to it. Get filters and a filter gabbai. THROW AWAY the DVDs. REALLY. Unplug the TV, you don't need it. REALLY. GO FOR IT!! That's the REAL Sur MeiRah.

Second, realize that there is an underlying REASON why you WANT to look. There is something called your inner child, part of you deep down inside that is in pain. PAIN. That the fear of facing that pain, facing the uncomfortable realities of our lives, is what drives us to escape the real world by numbing ourselves with our "drug of choice," which for us is Lust, viewing and fantasizing and acting out. If we can be man enough to face those reasons, to deal with them, then we can get at the core of the CAUSE of our addiction and remove the DESIRE to look and act out.

All the Torah learning you have done is wonderful, keep it up, but if it hasn't solved the problem until now, it's not ever going to, no matter how many more hours of hasmada you add. But there is a way to do this. You CAN get freedom from the YH of Lust. The 12 Step Program WORKS!

TRY IT. THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOSE IS THE CONTROL THAT LUST HAS OVER YOU.

And it is easier now than ever. Duvid Chaim's Anonymous Group is only one week into the program, still a perfect time to join, and it's already helping over 35 people, many on this forum, achieve the answer to the same prayers and frustrations which you voiced.

Here's a link for info:

www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678

Please consider joining us tomorrow, on Wed's call. Send Duvid Chaim an email to arrange a private phone call between you to discuss what the program can do for you and what your goals are, the address is linked on that page. Or just call in, and let him know you're there for the first time.

Try it. You wont be disappointed. And you just might realize it is what you have been praying for.

Why can't where I am holding now, be my rock bottom? That every single slip is yet another bit of reality, when holding on this level. I am fed-up with who I am now, and see this as a falure.    SO why not designate this as having gone too far, and losing all controll over myself.


Steve: I sent an email to Duvid Chaim, and I will try and discuss with him whether a SA group is for me. They are not for everyone, and I never felt comfortable with the ides. However in my desperation I am willing to give it a try.

Yiddle2: BYW who is yeedle1? I am looking up the nefesh hachaim, and will try to post a biur

one life: Chabibi, I am fluent in Ivrit (hebrew), so write in your native language.