Have a Good Shabbos.

There's a beautiful world out there, filled with many colors.

May Hashem bless you that you be able to see, and appreciate, them all!

Please visit my thread post, called Lost & Found. Reminds us all about the power of speaking positive, and ONLY positive.

Which, BTW, I can see you have tremendous ability to do. You're a good man, and I hope I get t know you better.

Keep Smiling!!  

shemirateinayim wrote on 07 Jan 2010 02:29:


Please contact the Wall Gabai at woh.gye@gmail.com.

Just so you guys don't think this place has slow service (just kidding I know you volunteer your time"). I got my name, and password, but I need afew days untilll I go up there (BH I'm 3 days clean). It;s pathetic how I keep seeking to grow, and keep flip flopping. i mean cmon it's pathetic!

So in-order to not embarras myself more. I need a few more days before going onto there, to show and consider if i'm serious about this. untill then I've been on this site all day!
 

4 days clean, and "he'ir mizrach metaheir" of 5th day. (berachos 2a)   

Had a dew mild pulls to _________, but I told myself "*^ addicts do that, and I'm not going to be a ___ addict."  It pulled me through, and I feel alitlle proud of myself for actually trying to make this a long run, as opposed to a guilt induced half week clean.

Bards this ones for you. 'Keep the cruise control on..........  oh any tips for a really long drive. My 'keester' won't last more than a few hours on 'each side'. and then I can't sit at all ! I just sorta levitate myself over the seat, in desperate search of relief

Too late. But it's not too late to do something about it.
Get working on a program. SA RR AA BD MC - Whatever you have to do. Just do it. It's irresposible of you to ait around waiting for a fall, even if you are clean now.
Sorry for the harsh words, but I went through what you are doing now too many times to sit back and watch my brother make the same stupid mistakes.
The change has to be in more than just your "falling or not". What has to change is YOU. On the inside. You have to be thinking differently in order for this to work.
Don't let simple laziness cause you to lose any more than it already did...

no I do see myself as an addict. It just stirs this self-aware feeling within me. When I get that feeling it puts my urges into perspective. Instead of seeing it as the only derech I want to take, I see the whole picture. The cause for the drive, what I'm gonna feel  like after fulfilliing it, how I'm gonna see myself, and what I would feel like by not doing it. The addict approach works wonders. I just kept repeating that line, since I see it as a way of using my desire to lie about my addiction, as a tool to "prove it".  I'm doing the 12 steps. But the phone-groups aren't so easy fro a guy with sedarim and bein ahsedarim-sedarim. what am I supposed to do, walk-out during seder and pick-up my phone. same time every week???

I tried to word the last post that it shou'dn;t imply that i'm in denial about it.  i know i'm an addict, but it would still be nice to lie about it.

I'm not sure if this one came out any clear-er    .

Wednesday I started again (Tuesday night realy) and It BH went well, with only about 200 nissyonos in shmiras einayim. but BH even when I'm an oneis about it, I dull my mind to not register the surroundings of my peripheral vision. So even though there is pritzus there, my brain registers it as "nothing". This took a long time to develop, and is a matanah from shamayim.

Today was scary, I had my first tayvah to be neheneh from what I was seeing in my peripheral vision. i was genuinely scared. I couldn't even keep a strait face, I WAS SCARED that I may loose my maylah of shmiras einayim. i had to step-back for a few minutes and look totally away, as dumb as it made me look. My YH has finnaly stopped to looking at real ppl, sheesh I though he gave up on this a long time ago.

One hour at a time, one conversation at a time. And may the ribono shel olam help me pull through for a week, then I'll go onto the wall.

The sad realization, is that I use GYE to feed my addcition to internet. I get that same cool feeling seeing responses to my posts, and keep refreshing the homepage waiting for someone to post. I am working on setting takanos for my time on here. I need this forum, but in moderation.

I know Gurad will scream at me, but my printer is right now printing the "handbook". Sorry but I know I'm a stubborn addict. But I'm working on taking the 12 steps seriously, And until I keep a week clean I won't go onto the wall.

Hey SA, that's part of the process. I mean of course it's much better if you set timers and stuff, but it's not THE worst thing in the world if you go the 1st 30-40 days of your 90 (H-shem PLEASE let it be this 90) spending lots of time on GUE. Unless of course being near the computer is causing you to experience more triggers c"v.
Y'know, when a heroine addict goes through the healing process, the first steps are done while simultaneously giving him meth treatment. (The effect of Meth is similar to heroine, just less addictive and less powerful.)
This is to sort of 'transfer' his addiction to something manageable, and from there go to working on getting to normal life.
So I'm not saying you shouldn't limit yourself at all just - don't beat yourself up over it. It's not such a big deal.

Baruch Hatov vehameitiv. Still clean somehow. I haven't had the zchus of a full night sleep in days! But efshar that tonight I'll be zocheh, nah it's gonna be a long night . Maybe it's because I don't sleep, and haven't been running under a "normal" schedule but I am still clean! and thousands of nissyonos in shmiras einayim later. Frankly i don't care much what women think when I have to talk to them.  Today I was even forced to comfort a shiksah for 2 hours, agav my personal business, without looking at her once (even the kanai knows some HILCHOS MENCKLICHKEIT).  BH that made a big kiddush hashem.

I'm still clean!!! and I can only do this one hour at a time, with the right approach, and ONLY HASHEM can save me from a slip or fall (lo aleivnu).
Thats Wednsday Thursday Friday Shabbos kodesh and Sunday so-far!!! (5 days!!!!) 2 more and I'm going up on the charts!

I has some hard times in shemiras einayim. I am around way to many women, and their veiw of modest still falls short of halacha. They all think it I'm a clergy or something. Mybe I should explain it to them, nicely and politely, and leaving out the word lust. Also then I can't back-out of it. Since I'll look like a hopictite, and make a HUGE chilul hashem. I can just immagine them saying "The rabbi gives a whole sermon about him not looking directly at women, and the next minute he's gawking at us?"  C"V that I should ever cause a person to say such a thing!

This counts as another whole day clean, one hour at a time. And please ribono shel olam, keep me clean for just another day....

I feel stupid living a "secret identity" on GYE, but I'm afraid I will easily be identified by anyone from my shul, yesiva or community. And halevai sme of them found this forum. But I need the support, and I'm going through a very rough time. Most people would have snapped or 'brocken down' by now, being in my perdicament. But Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave me what people call nerves of steel, which could better  be labeled AZUSS, but in my case it's Bitachon.

i have been teken from my loving home, the source of ALL my strength. My greatest source of true pleasure and the fuel of my avodas hashem. True kol hamatzil nefesh achas meyisrael.... And true hatzalas nefashos virtualy ' makes shabbos like a weekday'.... And true even R Elyashiv would have to stop learning to save a life (if no-one else where able to)...

              But I want to be in the beis medrash. I only have 4 sefarim, not including siddur and tehillim! I don't even have a gemara. I haven't been able to said tikkun chatzos in like 2 weeks! I haven't been able to daven trfilah betzibur in days, and have no minyan for the forceable future. I am a ben torah, stripped of his crown. At least i can find a few hours a day to learn, but with everything going on, it's sooo hard.

I have nissyonos in shemiras einayim every half hour, they all think that I'm a quack! I talk like a normal intelligent human being, but I won't look any of them in the face, soo I got issues right?? I had aother nissayon today to be nehneh from looking at a womaan's short sleeved arm, with my peripheral vision... even though my glasses erscription in 7.5!! what is there to be nehneh from??? But I had a burning tayvah. I was angy at myself, I have stooped so low, after growing so high.

With all my inner strenght that the borei olam has gifted me, I need a shoulder to cry on, just for half an hour.

Tatah... please help me !!!! :'(

Ummmmm.... I can't even begin to imagine where you are.
Did you go to do kiruv in Vegas?
You don't sound Chabad, and Aish wouldn't send a bochur to kiruv in shmutzy places.
Who cares!!! The ikkar is - how are you man?
Hold'n up alright? Keep us posted...











































And BTW, don't you dare fall..

I just had such a BIG nissayon. I had the browser page open, ready to search every image of filth in the world!
The i told myself. that tonight will be one week. Tonight I can go onto the charts. I closed my eyes and played out what I was about to do. I would get 20 trillion results to the searchword, every one of them filth. and I would loose the level of kedusha I'm holding on right now. But in it's stead I will feel like an exilarated peice of shmutz (I feel the hana'ah and guilt at the same time... I used to never feel hana'ah from hz"l only absolute shame/guild/charatah  but yknow 'yeridas hadoros').

or I have the freedom of CHOOSING not to hit 'search'. and I will get a level of kedushah exual to the tumah of every one of those pics! exual to all that shmutz! I will get a powerfull boost of kedusha, even in my perdicament. And I so desperately yearn for it/. So I did just that! and I ran to the nearest computer terminal to share my thrill of kedushah.
Bilvavi mishkan Evneh lehadar kevoso, Ulemishkan mizbeach Asim...

Wow! That is awesome and incredible, in every way!

You absolutely rock!

Keep on trucking!

Thanks SB, not so much for the reponse, but for being the sole inspiration for that nissayon. I was only because of you that I did exctly that. You had a nissayon to which i posted that 'vort'. And it was that post that came to mind at the very last second. That you for helping me help myself.... :-\ I mean for helping me.

Still going stong.    ONE WEEK CLEAN

I'm very weak, emotionaly drained, and physicly wiped. I'm trying to forse myself to keep eating regularly, but I'm often to busy for that. I am going throughh a mild nissayon as I speak. with both a web-phone and unrestricted internet, it's hard and I can't get rid of either one for the time being. at least I hold it assur for e to use the web for anything but gye, gmail, and (with a guilty contious) shiurim. The less I type in web-adressed the  less nissayon to type the bad or innappropiate ones.