Looking forward to a better report upon you signing in tomorrow, in the meantime we'll enjoy the party.

Heeling wrote on 27 Mar 2024 20:55:

Always enjoy the party. 

Made it through the rest of yesterday unscathed b"h. 
I downloaded BOTG and am going to give it a shot. I could really use a dose of the optimism some of the chevra here seem to have picked up from it. I tried it before and it didn't speak to me, but I'm at the point where I'll try anything that works.

On the bright side today is day ten I think. Been over a month since I was able to go a week so this is a big win. I also haven't fallen two consecutive days in over a month. I think that's a significant improvement. Amul, once I fell once it could sink the whole week. Now it just sinks the day. So trying to stay positive.

Saw an interesting thought in the madreigas ha'adam, at the end of shaar nekudas haemes. He basically writes that it takes an external stimulus to bring your wrongful desires to fruition in a sin. And so you must institute gedarim to keep you away from those stimuli. Only then can you work on eradicating your wrongful desires. 
I thought it was a beautifully written explanation for the requirement for a filter. I'll try to post his actual language (if the picutre comes through it's the second paragraph). The problem I have with madreigas ha'adam is he writes so clearly and beautifully, and with such forceful logic. It really moves me. But the things he says are often on such a high level that I feel so inadequate. Strong medicine. 

Was just feeling pretty triggered. Wanted to give in. Started going down sites I shouldn't.
Stopped. Read some of the BOTG. Felt better. Rewarded myself with a little chocolate. Ended up eating a LOT of chocolate. Heck, I deserved it. Going back for more chocolate now. 

chooseurname wrote on 28 Mar 2024 20:24:

Love it! Was it at least good chocolate??

Despite copious amounts of (delicious) chocolate, at the last minute I fell. 
Back down to day one. 
I think this time I want to try something a little different. What happened yesterday was the YH said, "oh, you saw that? Well then you have to reset your count (otherwise you're being dishonest ch"v). And once you're resetting your count you may as well finish what you started." And I listened. But I feel like I could've stopped with the p before I hit the m if not for that thought. And bchlal, for me personally it's much harder to keep away from porn than to keep away from masturbating. So this time I want to count from the outset two separate counts: one for porn and one for masturbation. 
What's the oilam's thoughts on - is it just me convincing myself that I should be able to watch porn or is this a smart move to stop the complete slide every time I fall with porn?

Other steps I'm taking:
Started a daily read of the BOTG two days ago. Hope that'll help.
I'm also starting to "bill" myself for time at work that I'm not working. Hoping if I do that for a few days it'll wake me up to how much time I'm wasting.

chooseurname wrote on 29 Mar 2024 13:33:

hhhhmmm....that a tough question and I think I'll leaving that for other althought I think you shouldn't do separate counts.

The real count that you have to do and this one you should take extremely serious - is to stop eating to much (delicious) chocolate!

Keep cargo shipping!

Heeling wrote on 29 Mar 2024 14:50:

Bro, I'm cargo shipping so hard there's not a bridge in the world that's safe right now. 

Kulo alma modim that chocolate is the hardest addiction to kick. 

I wouldn't do separate counts but if you withheld from masturbating take note of it and celebrate your success while also acknowledging your fall, without buying chocolate of course. Once we fall the Yetzer Hora tries to convince us that everything is lost and we should just give in all the way. When we stop ourselves in the middle and say enough is enough we are building ourselves up to success in the next battle.

I wouldn't do separate counts but if you withheld from masturbating take note of it and celebrate your success while also acknowledging your fall, without buying chocolate of course. Once we fall the Yetzer Hora tries to convince us that everything is lost and we should just give in all the way. When we stop ourselves in the middle and say enough is enough we are building ourselves up to success in the next battle.I agree that's an excellent attitude. Just think it'll be easier for me to not "give in all the way" if I start off with two separate counts.

Just make sure not to forget that P without M is considered a fall and as far as GYE is concerned you will be starting again from day 1. Don't minimize the severity of your fall because you didn't M but appreciate the achievement of stopping in the middle and use that as a springboard to refrain from P.

Hopefully, you are putting in all the effort it takes not to watch P and this discussion will become utterly meaningless. Preplanning P but not M doesn't sound right.

yitzchokm wrote on 29 Mar 2024 18:15:

I 1000% preplanning p but not m wouldn't be right. I just think most of the time I think "oh I already did p and had a fall let me just finish the job with some m." I think if I give it my best shot in all areas, but have two separate counts, I'll have a much better chance of success at staying away from m than I would otherwise.
I think it's a helpful plan. I'm just suspicious of myself that I'm trying to set myself up to allow porn.

Well, turns out I was full of it, and two counts was just an excuse to watch porn.
My number one trigger is feeling overwhelmed at work. I used to think it was boredom, but that's just a close second. I just want to escape, and porn is sooo accessible and so sweet.
Gotta work on that. Maybe I'll try physically getting up when I get urges. But sometimes it's so subtle. 
Feeling very frustrated with myself.

You nailed it! 
I know the feeling, you just want to stop feeling bad, you need to escape to a place of pleasure and fun. Porn is an extremely potent drug! Thats exactly what it does. It just does a little less damage to the physical body than drugs. 

Its not easy dude, not easy at all. But the struggle it real and really important to our tikun in this and next worlds. 

What worked for me is to sit with that feeling and push it for a few minutes, and see that this desire is nothing more than you brain wanting something that feels good, but nothing that you actually want, because you know how problematic it is and how terrible you will feel afterwards. So just sit and feel the desire ebb and flow and allow some sense to come into your brain meanwhile. Like what am i actually planning to do? how will i feel afterwards? can i mamesh not get up and walk away? you will see that you have power and options beside being a robot and doing what a small part of you wants right now. 

Love
Chancy

chancy wrote on 02 Apr 2024 17:30:

i would think it just does a little more damage then drugs.  not sure maybe not