chooseurname wrote on 13 Mar 2024 13:13:

The original sin was through an apple.....

redfaced wrote on 13 Mar 2024 16:16:

IIRC, only because a woman got involved.

Busy rest of the day hopefully. Checking in but going well so far. For some reason, Friday is one of my toughest days. But shabbos is one of the easiest. I understand shabbos because my main issues are with internet use. But don't really understand why Friday is always so tough. 

Anyway hope the rest of the day goes well and I'll check in Monday.

chooseurname wrote on 15 Mar 2024 15:45:

Your words are what caused Adam Harishon to get punished. He blamed his wife instead of taking responsibility for what he did. In Avos D'rebbe Nosson it says that Adam sinned first by telling his wife not to touch the tree instead of Hashem's commandment not to eat it. The Nachash proved to Chavah that touching it won't do anything and thus she ended up eating from the Eitz Hadaas and giving it to Adam.

In Avos D'rebbe Noson it also praises Adam for making an extra boundary as an extra fence so she doesn't end up eating. The two passages contradict each other. The commentaries explain that his sin was either that he told her not to touch it in the name of Hashem instead of telling her that it was a boundary that he added himself, or that when a person makes a boundary, he can't go to the extreme, because he won't be able to keep the boundary. Once he doesn't keep the boundary it will cause him to give up on the prohibition as well.

Quick check in to start the week off on the right foot.

Shabbos I was depressedly navel-gazing about this struggle. I don't know why. But I was trying to think if I had ever had a significant clean streak, and that got me thinking about all the ups and downs (mostly downs) throughout the years [I'm sure there must have been many ups too, especially after I was married, but they were not coming to mind]. I couldn't stop thinking about times in my teenage/young adult years when it was mamash "avur aveirah vshuneh naseh luh kmitzvah" (as an example, there was a time in my friend group in my mainstream yeshiva where porn use was openly accepted). I was getting pretty down about it, and feeling a lot of yiush. I hope one day to be able to reflect back on those days with teshuva. Right now thinking about it just brings me to yuish, which is decidedly not productive.

Then, Sunday, I met up with some old friends I haven't seen in awhile - guys who I knew around that time - and thank g-d it snapped me out of my mood. Three takeaways:
First, social activity is very good for breaking out of a funk.
Second, thank you Hashem that I somehow came out of yeshiva frum and attached to learning. It's not at all guaranteed and I'm grateful for whatever level I have. [Not totally germane, but thank you Hashem that I'm not suffering from mental illness which, I see, is also not at all guaranteed.] This is an attitude/feeling which I need to work on feeling more often, and expressing.
Third, and most important, I'm not the same person now that I was then. I'm still struggling with many of the same issues, and I haven't changed in alot of relevant ways. But I've matured, shteiged, and grown. It's a different battle now, and a greater person fighting it. It could be that if I had the same unfiltered smartphone and privacy now like I did then I would watch the same amount of porn. But now I would not let myself enter that situation.

Well, so much for starting the week off on the right foot



I don't know why, but I haven't been able to go longer than a week for the past month. On the positive side, I haven't death-spiralled after a fall for the past month - bounced back up (for another week). But this is getting ridiculous. I clearly need to switch something up, but I'm not sure what.......

It's also pathetic because I was just thinking how well I was doing. And then I was poking at my work setup to try to tighten it up a little bit, and one thing led to another and boom. 

Today went well. 
Not happy about yesterday, but trying to pick up and keep on going. Not really sure what I should be changing up, but I haven't been able to go more than a week clean for a while now. . . . I feel like I just forget my motivation after a few days. 
A big part of the problem is my work computer isn't filtered, and I don't think I can get it filtered. I'm basically just white-knuckling it - I put site blockers on all the browsers on the computer but obviously that doesn't do much at all. I was thinking of moving my desk so my screens face the door, but I physically can't move it. At this point (because I've fallen so much on the computer) my fear of the company viewing my history is very, very low. I am trying hard to stick to a kabbalah to only use my work computer for work (and GYE, that's why I've been on here so much recently) but it's very hard. 

Anyone have an eitzah?

Hey, my friend!

I'm sorry about your struggle. Motivation is super important, so let's try building on that – Are you in touch with people other than on the forums? Do you remember the good feelings of the days when you were clean? Read The Battle of the Generation? F2F?

Why can’t your work computer be filtered?

Keep plowing my friend, you'll get there.

Focus on the good,

Never look back,

chooseurname wrote on 19 Mar 2024 21:19:

As I wrote earlier, based on what you've written, it appears that our struggles are very similar.

I'll write about myself and maybe it will be helpful for you. Figuring out the 'why' may be helpful for me at some point, but the 'what' is that when I am sitting down at my machine doing work, I am accustomed to clicking around elsewhere. It is almost like I can't go an hour or two without looking at something else. Taking a break from work and finding something to read or watch. Since I got an unfiltered work device, a couple of years ago, I have always wanted to restrict my use to work only (and not just for pornography/masturbation issues, but productivity too). The only way I have been able to do that is to fill my habit of 'clicking around elsewhere' another way. Currently, that is mainly my personal computer that is right next to me (I work at home, may not be relevant for you). I have other things to do in my home office to take a break besides just going to another screen. Either way, I needed to replace my behavior of using my work computer for non-work things with something else. I wasn't able to just stop.

My eitzah is to find a replacement. A positive action that you do as opposed to a stop action.

Heeling wrote on 20 Mar 2024 15:03:

Yeah maybe it's time to give the battle of the generation another shot. I tried it and it didn't speak to me, but I'll try again.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 20 Mar 2024 15:46:

I like this. Very practical. I think HHM suggested a similar thing previously - with the knaitch of not just clicking but rather finding something that will snap me out of the flow downhill like exercise. 
I tried doing squats when I felt an urge but it didn't click. I am going to work on a replacement action though. Right now it's reading threads on GYE, which is pretty good. But better of the work computer entirely.

Checking in. Taanis Esther I was very zoned out, but stayed busy and avoided a fall. Feeling good about getting through today clean

Had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I had two wives, and I was going back forth to both of them asking for sex and they were both pushing me away. I think I had an argument with my wife the other day and felt rejected, and b"h fought off the "retaliatory" porn binge so my mind is kind of bouncing around that I guess. Was a weird dream. 

Looking forward to an amazing purim and hoping very much to guard my eyes when I'm out and about during the day. All of you should have a freilichen Purim!

Checking in. I had a very nice purim - I hope all of you did as well.
Could be that the reason we drink on Purim is that you wake up the next day thinking your going to die, but then after some time passes (and alot of water and, for some reason, potato chips) you realize you were really fine the whole time. Mamash the lesson of Purim

Anyway, I'm stuck still working on a very boring, nitpicky, and endless task. And i'm annoyed since after I'm done I still have to do the daf. So normally this would lead to me escaping into porn (or as much as I could while I'm working at home). Not today.

Today's going well. It's interesting that when things are going well it's hard to remember that this is something difficult. And when things are difficult it's impossible to remember that things sometimes go well. Weird.

Had a little chizuk on purim. Purim is always tough in general shmiras einayim. Feels somewhat hefker, women are running around all over the place all dressed up, it can be tough. Purim morning I was out an about delivering shalach manos and whatnot and I had a few (or more than a few) times where I really had to struggle to not look - with whatever level of success. Then by mincha, I sat down and said an extra kapital that I should be able to guard my eyes.
I didn't have an issue the entire rest of the day.
Not a huge chiddush, since I was out less after that. But I was still going around places and I didn't have any problems. Either there was no women out, or I didn't get stuck with an urge to try to look. This maaseh probably won't make it into Living Emunah 12, but for me it was a modern day purim miracle. 

Today's been bad. No real fall but a lot of histaklus at non-porn women. Low motivation and I wasted alot of time.
Signing off but hopefully tomorrow will be better.