Thank you all for your replies! It makes it so much easier when not alone in it and when my feelings are validated. Thanks.

I have kept strong so far, but its still so difficult. I am naturally a very hot headed person and full of feelings. I am absolutely desperate to watch porn and act out. To ditch it all (yiddishkeit)...

I have come a long way in קדושה and especially in אמונה, but I am shattered from the constant battle with the YH. I am so upset. I cry nearly every day bitter tears from the יסורים נפשיים of overcoming the temptations.

Please forgive me for the following, I know it's wrong to talk like this, but...

I am angry with Hashem! So upset with him!! I feel like He is pushing me into a corner until I give up! 
Then I tell myself that this is exactly what he wants from us, he wants us to realize that only He can help us and we should daven to him - אילמלי קל בעזרו לא יוכל לו (or something like that) - but thats exactly when I get furious at Him! I daven and daven and daven again with bitter tears but there is no response... תחשה ותעננו עד מאד! And the battle continues... And learning tora doesnt work.. and there is no end in sight! (2 years ago I had a streak of nearly 400 days clean!! and then I fell again really badly and here I am today still struggling with P&M...)
I am in so much pain..
So many times, when having a huge urge (nearly every day, several times), I raise my hands to the heavens and say: Hashem! I am not touching or going near it just for your sake!! Please show me that you are happy with me!! Show me a sign that the תורה is אמת and that if keeping the תורה one has a happier, better life!!
But there is no answer... total הסתר פנים..
It's so frustrating. It's infuriating.

Sorry about my rant. Thanks so much for listening. It is so painful.

UpAndDown