Hi, I want to begin sharing how this all came about and get myself back on track, being vulnerable is hard, but seeing that people like you reading, which is the emes is the only Path that's opened, so without further or do..

I was 13 years old about to take the city bus in 7th grade after school as usual. I normally walk a block to the stop where it will pick me up, and wait about 5-10 minutes. So one afternoon, me and a few friends were there, and all I was doing was listening in and I am telling you I didn't even say anything in the conversation. All I heard was someone saying to the other about "porn", to my knowledge I was just curious to here such a word and didn't know what to make of it. They didn't really say much just those words were spoken as if I was left out of the group and I felt like an idiot not knowing of what it was. So immediately I decided once I get home I will ask google and it will help me find out about what that word is and then I wouldn't be the guy left out. However, once that was put into research I had innocently started my road of Lo-Aleinu. It was just a show then another, and all of a sudden overtime I realized that I had just created a very big secret that no-one knew about, "just me". Even when I turned 15 when people said it again on the way going home, and they asked if I knew anything and with a pause I didn't answer. I was the good kid and from then I realized that no-one would know and that this is something I (the good boy) did. But in reality I was no different then them, and I remember thinking why in the world are they so public about it. I never knew but all that what sayed with me from then was a pile of my worst nightmare that I created.
My cellphone at the time was tagged and thank g-d prevented me to be doing it much more, so the times I would do it, was going to a laptop and seeing such sites. It was so bad that me the good kid would be late during lunch break or so and be late to daven or class. And this happened about 1ce a week. Each time I go in, like I said I was innocent and never planned on it, bit tended to happen that a I get stuck.

Skipping till I was about 18-19, graduated and now in my 1st and 2nd year E'Y beis medrash. I continued failing even in the holy land, which at first I held back because I knew it can't be that I can do such a thing here, (it was my first time there). i then got Tag and then Genteck for specific sites only.
In Short, I kept up the program of SHOVA"VIM and got rewarded and celebrated, one year being 8 weeks and the other 6 weeks, I kept to it and misshaped accidental in my sleep about few times. That feeling of accomplishment and reward was imaginable and indescribable.
Soon after I saw myself keeping like 5 months after, where I was excited, I started doubting myself is this real, there's no way this is real and that's when I realized it can't be true, where I would fail a few more times.

As you can see, I failed and got up, it's hard but you must push and grind and eventually YOU WILL YOURSELF SHTIGHEN MORE!


The next few years I had been in yeshivah where it's impossible to use the internet, so the times I would fail was ben hazmanim, I need a partner for summer to be active so those days were good and the others not good!

Please feel free to comment, I appreciate every feedback!
Hashem has his ways and I want to B'emes get there, I so far deleted an app I was glued to, as in time consuming, but eventually lead me  doing something. else not good thanks.

I am now working my way to get back to being fully clean, I have to shteigh in this inyan.
I know that I usually fail only when I have my device opened without a filter, all other times are very mynuute, so I just got to make that stopage at home, I am a bochur with a flip phone, just when I go home since during my breaks I have nothing to do, I then search online either shopping or  gaming and then eventually leads to the Lo-Aleinu. I have had some etzah from someone here, which worked but I am not doing those exciting things in a Ra'Giel basis so I mi'mellah fall because I return to my normalcy in those breaks. I need to shtigh on and on, and want to build myself to be a good bachur and hopefully get married without such a issue coming with me. I want to get solved like I did in the past and I know it's possible so B;H with the oilam, I can do this!?

Gorgeous! Beautiful! Amazing! Not stam!  
You sound like some amazing chushivah person !! Keep up the Shtaging and keep the chizuk on this forum coming …
הצלחה רבה!!

btw I see you sent me a pm, Thanks so much! I can’t respond to it sorry…

*dleted text sent to bottom of first post above*

welcome! Thank you for sharing your story which is unfortunately way too common. It appears that you are dealing with this in a healthy and positive way. If you deal with this now (as your are doing) you will avoid alot of heartache down the road...

I am sure that you understand that the temptations and urges that you feel are perfectly normal. That is how hashem created us. Our job is to learn how process and deal with those feelings. It is not our job to get rid of them.

I hope you also know that these challenges are not annoyances that are getting in the way of our growth. Quite the opposite, the challenges are sent specifically by hashem and our opportunities for growth. Every time that you hold back from something inappropriate is another rung climbed on the ladder of greatness.

If you look at your history with honesty (emes) you will see that you are resisting the temptations far more times then you are giving in. This should continue to be a source of pride and confidence for you.

Since you indicate that your struggles are limited when you don't have access to the internet, It would be wise to use that time to strengthen your resistance to these temptations. Strengthening your resistance means actively pushing forward. For myself that includes reading a chapter of the book "the battle of the generation" each and every day. For you it may be something else. Whatever it is, it should be something that will build up your awareness of your connection with hashem. Something that will reinforce your desire to be a complete eved hashem. When the desire to serve hashem is stronger then the desire to run after temptation, the challenges in this area will be much less. (while it is always wise to have filters etc... the goal is to become so committed to serving hashem, that even with an unfiltered device in a closed room, your desire to serve hashem will be stronger and you will not succumb to other desires. )

It is also important to be aware that if you see that it is not working to your satisfaction having a partner or mentor to talk to is usually extremely helpful.

Wishing you tremendous hatzlocha
vehkam

.

Thank you 

Thanks for helping much appreciated!

DAY 5 COMPLETED       who's counting with me 

8 days complete bh, I have a strong feeling I will do good till 90 bzh!  

Emes-a-Yid wrote on 30 Nov 2022 06:52:

Wow!! Good for you!! When I was up to day 8 I felt like giving up and your so positive! Keep it up!!

  Day 9 Complete (1wk and 2days)    cheers, I am getting more information that makes me angry and upset, this is not shayich, it is causing me to a path on failing, but bz"h will stand strong! thanks for reading and your etzas

Lets goo!! Keep on moving forward! U got this.

Day 10 complete BH!

11 and 12 done, onto 13..   

I think I will try to withhold updating and going online, maybe just regular gye chaverim communication will be better

You are awesome! 

I recommend staying connected to GYE somehow. The support is crucial. Filter all devices, only using filtered devices it the epitomy of TRUE self control.  Also, I highly reccomend waiting to get married til you can do a year clean. It will save your married life. (Be makpid on dating only girls who are okay only having filtered devices...)

Keep up the awesome work! I respect you alot for being vulnerable like this! It took me way too long...