56-62 days no hear from you?



What's going on? I started my 90 day journey a bit behind you and you've been a big help!

You got it

Day 62

Started heavy work on intimacy issues with HHM and therapist. Trying to go off the deep end in terms of 'her wants' vs 'my needs' and also working on the emotional connection.

Not easy.

Kavey wrote on 26 Jul 2022 17:49:

Wow, that's heavy stuff. Hatzlocha, I hope I didn't open a can of worms...

Seeing your thread now.
Dude you legit rock.
You keep a cheshbon ha nefesh diary? Wow- you’re my hero man.

Keep shteiging, keep in touch. Always!

yeshivaguy

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 26 Jul 2022 19:23:

Not so heavy I think. I think it's related to Mikva Edition #29 though I haven't the ziss fleish to read through that one. The hard part is that it really feels like you're rewiring your brain.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Jul 2022 03:33:

It really works wonders for me. Though I think it's less intense than people think, just recording my thoughts about things I've been struggling with.

Kavey wrote on 29 Jul 2022 03:40:

I'm working on that as well. It's interesting, when it comes to my wife, I feel like I'm doing internal work, trying to change my perspective and feelings. I highly recommend reading that thread completely. It really opened my eyes.

Day 82

Stress and confusion over the weekend that I wasn't able to resolve and I think I get the message. Early in my journey I had some real crying sessions particularly one Shabbos early on with my Tallis over my face and during Kel Adon, silent sobs to the Master of the World.

But since then my davening has been off. I think I get the message. Time to daven. Hashem wants me back.

Day 83

I think a crucial difference between this time and other times that I've tried to deepen my connection to the Ribono Shel Olam and work on my Bitachon is that other times I would ultimately experience some cognitive dissonance from not closing my laptop and learning all day. Where is my trust in the Ribono Shel Olam? I would be asking myself.

This journey has opened my eyes to the reality that I don't live in a house with roommates in a mutually beneficial relationship but rather I have a wife and kids. Life decisions that we make truly have to be holistic. And unless it's crystal clear that sitting and learning all day is what's best for my family right now then I feel confident that it's Ratzon Hashem that I stay the course.

And there is a lot of room for Bitachon in the workplace.

- Kavey

Day 93

It definitely feels good. More to say but here's what I sent to GYE about my journey:

Briefly what worked for me:

Hitting a rock bottom where I knew I needed help and fast 

Therapy and encouragement by my therapist to really spend time on the forum

Initially focusing all my energy on the fight. Lots of exercise and lots of time on the forum. Also lots of time processing what I read and trying to formulate my own view.

Leveraging the stability from not running after my taavos to improve other areas in my life 

With help from a GYE mentor (HHM) trying to change my outlook on sex and intimacy and learning how to prepare for vulnerable situations like business travel.

Have a good Shabbos!

Day 98

Been thinking about relationship with wife. I heard from Rav Pincus that people who leave their home's for a week at a time to learn day and night (as he himself did at one point), don't just leave their wife hanging. Rather they are able to inspire their wives to such an extent  (saying things like all my Torah is yours etc.) that the inspiration lasts the whole week and the separation is that much easier that the wife doesn't really miss the husband and feel like she's left hanging.

I think that's the true pshat in the story of Rabbi Akiva leaving for 24 years. When he came back after 12 years, he realized that there was more depth to the connection he had created with his wife so went back for 12 more years. Really flips the script on the whole story IMO.

For me at my level it just reinforces the idea that we don't exist in a vacuum and we have to take our spouses/families with us on any life decisions.

Day 155

Still going strong, had a slip yesterday looking at some Wikipedia pages as a reminder that "Lapesach Chatas Rovetz".

Been feeling down and that always makes me want to look for escapes. The body wants what it wants and what it knows.

It's amazing though the tools we have. We have the ability with Hashem's help to sit and not follow our yetzer. We also have the ability with Hashem's help to realize that struggling is good and doesn't have to lead to frustration.

p.s. if we're being honest with ourselves we also have the ability with Hashem's help to hold on to our streak for dear life #motivation

Day 9

Ok picking this back up...I think I'm really strongly coming around to the belated recognition that once the surfing starts I'm powerless.

So as such I was mekabel bli neder not to use technology for distractions or relaxation (other than watching netflix with my wife or over my kids' shoulders lol). 

So far so good...

Hai then you'll ask me how do I relax. L'maaseh in my years I've found that exercise can improve a mood but doesn't really relax. Talking and hanging out is kind of the same maybe a little bit better maybe the introvert at play.

What I think my body craves is a deep escape...which I can then emerge from. So I'm going to a yetzer hara that for me pre-dates internet and television...books! Not chas veshalom books with pritzus and sex scenes...because yatza s'charo behefsedo. Rather making doing with the lean meat of the books my kids take out from the public library...Charlie Bone anybody?

It seems to somewhat hit the mark and the need. Still has an impact on my work because I get distracted but at least not in quite the same soul sucking way the internet and whatsapp channels have. And...it's more to talk about with the kids!

Shalom Brother,
Perhaps not in the specific details, but in the general scenario I can relate a lot to what you shared.
Can we be in touch?

Sorry I'm not really in phone mode right now but happy to communicate here