I want to share something i felt on Yom Kippur. 
I was trying very hard to really regret all the bad i did, but in the  beginning of the day it wasnt working for me, my YH kept on coming up with reasons why it wasnt my fault and that i would still do the same if i had the chance, etc. but the more times i said the 'Al Chiet' the more intense it got! I think it was by Mincha or Mussef, where i got such a feeling of regret that i wanted to tear my hair out. and i was screaming internally "what did i do?" Why did i think it was a good idea?" I remembered every time i did something bad in this area and i tore it out of me! this is the first time in a long time i felt that deep regret and it felt very cleansing. I was very clear eyed that i do not want to go  back to those times no matter how hard the struggle is. 

HI Everyone, 
I wan to write an update on where I am. 
BH im still clean, the ACT therapy im doing is really incredible, I recommend everyone try it, there are some good online courses that you can take. Its hard work and im still in the early stages but its made a huge difference. The biggest change came once i realized that the mind is just like a radio and constatnly playing things and i dont need to pay attension to everything it plays. I can listen but then move on, I can see what my mind wants and appriciate it and understand why it wants this and that, but in the end, i have control over my actions. And i chose to live life as i want. 
So onward and upward! Im still going for a 1,000. I have 2 major life events scheudled for when Im supposed to reach the 1,000 and that keeps me motivated! 
If anyone wants to chat or is looking for help, i would gladly try to help. 
You can reach out to me on chancygye@outlook.com

Wow, its been a year since ive last posted here. I wanna to update everyone who will read this and also myslef when i look back to this. 
First of all, I can say clearly REAL CHANGE is possible! For years i would get aroused and excited like crazy when i sat next to a unfilterd computer. I wouldnt be able to do anything and i didnt have an ounce of control. I would always fall. After abstaining and working thru a lot of the tools and others things, I can go weeks without thinking about this stuff, and even if i do sit next to an unfiltered device, i will be able to go weekds without realizing it. So thats one thing that has changed. 
ANother thing that has changed is that im trying to control my lust even in kosher ways. I know that Lust is not good and is dangerous for me, so even if the wife is in the mood, i will try not to think about it untill right before, and i will try to minimize how many often, all to decresae the lust. 

That being said, i still have some days/weeks that the desires are crazy, sometimes its from stress, sometimes, its something ive seen that i cant get out of my head, sometimes i just feel that pleasure in my body and cant get rid of it. But I know that all of that passes. And I am refusing to ever masturbate again ever ever ever! So is a huge wall ive built. Now the bad news. 

This week i have been a little more then a little desireful, I had lustful dreams which of course made it worse. My wife is not in the modd for a while now, and im working on some nervous system work which makes me feel my body very strongly, plus i have been playing with some unfiltered devices because i felt comfortable around them already. so i was working on them, nothing bad just using them. I felt yesterday that im getting to a dangerous place, so i took the tablet out of my office. Today in the morning i find it back here plugged in. That was too much, after having a very stressful day at work, i couldnt stop thinking about it. So i looked at some bad things, but here is the weird part. The longer it goes without me watching Porn, the less affect it has on me when i do. I was more turned off then on, i coundt look at most stuff, i was disgusted. after a few minutes, I just turned it off and took it out again from my office. Hopefully it wont find it way back here or ill have to throw it. 
I went to a quite place and cried to Hashem to help me! I dont want to do this, I want to be pure! I dont to be distanced from my loving father! I want to make Him happy! I want to be a good servant to Him.

My point is that the longer you abstain the more your mind gets to heal and repair itself. Your will build your walls and the thoughts will get easier to manage. Still, there will be desires and struggles. Yes, I had a setback. No, im not giving up! 

Love you all!

This is a very special post from a very special guy.
Chancy, you’re a real person.
You have real challenges and you’re still fighting them.
But you’ve come far and you’re going further. 
I love the way you describe how you are experiencing the changes that you’ve gone through, how exposure feels different now, because change is real.

Hang on and keep trucking, my friend. 

Chaim 

What a beautiful update! Chancy, you are an inspiration! Chaimoigen said it well, I agree with every word!

I think I can relate to some of the disgust you wrote about. It’s so encouraging. It means that despite having sullied our minds in the past with the lowest levels of vulgarities, exposing our eyes to the great debasement of sexuality and of women, nevertheless we can gain back our innocence to a certain extent. The natural tendency to look at attractive women remains, but pornographic imagery…uggg. It’s just so…perverted. It was only wonderful as long as I lived in the Great Lie, that this stuff was somehow breathtakingly beautiful and amazing.

It isn’t. Porn is cheap, depraved and fake. And it has the power to shock our natural, normal male desire into a mind numbing high similar to a drug.

I’m very far from being out of the woods. Yes, I still find it hard not to stare at hot women, but if I’m unfortunately slipping and sliding…I’d rather lust the classy stuff and leave the junk for the junkies.

Maybe that’s why I’m finding not lusting the “regular stuff” much more difficult.

Update: I wrote this last night. For some reason I decided to sleep on this post before submitting it. Now I'm happy I did because this morning I'm not so sure about this anymore. Meh...maybe porn ain't so bad after all.

And who cares anyway, what difference does it make? lust is lust is lust is lust. 

I don't know if this was a real nekudah or not, I don't have that clarity. Was it? Maybe I'm just feeling shaky today. Is being disgusted at porn part of the process of ascending the ladder of growth, or is all inappropriate imagery one big thing and if so I'm just as lost as I was before I stopped watching porn?

Anyhow...Chancy, thanks again for popping in, we appreciate it!!

Doomed, at The Riddle House in Little Hangleton,

 -Moldy Voldy

Hi Voldy,
BTW, im rethinking that name, for allwe know Voldy didnt have a thing for women at all, the only women that we know of that he has some connection was Belatrix and we know how she looked...... He enjoyed other evil things..........

Anyway, to your post. 
I do think that the mind stopping to be intoxicated by Porn is a step forward in a big way fior a few reasons. 
1. Looking at women on the street is natural as you said, the brain is usually able to withstand that, the level of plasure stays within the controllable realm. Whereas Porn overwhelms the mind and doesnt give you time to think before you are already over. Its no match to our normal thinking brain.
2. The longer you teach your brain not to lose control when seeing something arousing, the more power you will give to yourself to be able to withstand any situation. I used to be completely gone once i so much as looked at Porn, there was no way! But now, i am BH able to think deeper and while my eyes are still looking, my brain is saying "get the F*** out of here" What the F*** are you doing? This is not you anymore! You are holy and this is disgusssssstingggggggg!!! (My brain has a swearing problem...) And i can see thru the fog and no lose my sh*t just because i saw something arousing,.  
In one word, you can grow the capacity to fight the urge the longer you work on this. 

chancy wrote on 04 Mar 2024 21:26:

Have you actually insulted my lovely Bella?

Although I may not have been intimate with her, I'll have you know that I find her quite attractive, blackened teeth and all. Thank you very much. 

I appreciated you response, it meant alot, thank you!

Moldy,
Have you not read the Cursed Child?

Nope…am I fired?

Fired? Expelled! Banned! 

Unless you buy it within 24 hours and report back to me after the weekend what you think......

I have not read secular literature in 25 years, so I am unfamiliar with the terms and names from these books that appear on GYE. From the literature I read as a child and teenager I am left wondering whether there is a single secular novel that is appropriate for someone on GYE to read. My guess is that there isn't. Most of the ones I read have inappropriate s***** content, and/or inappropriate character traits, either of the characters in the book or of the author. There are some sci-fi books I read that I don't recall anything bad in them but if I were to read them again chances are that I will find something wrong with them.

Good for you Yitzchokm.