FTC, imho if you can do 120 days, that is amazing! You are a very strong guy, you keep on winning!!! Don't let the falls knock you out!

Good question about how to channel your energies. What's a good outlet? One thing is I think you will learn overall to stay out of unclean places more. Stay in a safe works without unfiltered devices. And you will keep building yourself up stronger so when you do find yourself in a risky place, you will have the spiritual power to get away and stay clean.

I assume that if you start dating and get married, you will be in a good place.

Forging on, same. Don't worry about getting triggered by your wife. I'll leave it at that for now...

I feel your pain my dear brother...the hardest part of this struggle is being able to pick oneself up and push away all those negative feelings and thoughts that flood our heart and mind. You are a gibor though as is evident your post and all of your posts! dont let the samach mem sell you trash about yourself and your success in this area, you are a tzadik yesod olam! I mean it sincerely.

To be honest, being able to overcome these low moments and thoughts is my hardest struggle and hopefully with shareing with you, I will become mechuzik myself.

The posuk says by Yosef Hatzadik "Vayazov Bigdo Byodoh" the literal translation meaning that he left his clothing in the hand of eshes potifar. However I once heard a different peshat in this posuk. The word "Beged" can also mean rebellion.

The Gemara tells us that for one whole year or so, Eshes Potifar tried seducing Yosef into laying with her. Every day she would switcj her clothing and what not and for 365 days yosef prevailed. I guess in our language we can say he was clean for 365 days. but then that 366th day came and he just couldnt fight anymore. According to one Man Deamar in the Gemara Yosef went to the house of Eshes Potifar that day in order to sin with her. The Gemara darshans from the posuk "Vayofozu Zroie Yadav" that during those moments of fighting with himself not to lay with her, Yosef had some sort of Nefila and ten drops of zera came out. 

With that we can go back and understand the posuk in a whole new light. As Eshes potifar saw that Yosef lost some zera she turned to him and said hey Yosef! look you! your a nobody!  a wasted 365 days, you accomplished nothing! you ultimately fell anyway! just stop it already and come do it all the way by laying with me! But "Vayazov BIGDO BEYODOH" he left his rebellion in her hand, he told her this nefila has everything to do with you and has no reflection whatsoever on myself and my success in this area! I am a Yid fighting and fighting and yes today there was a bump in the road but that does not reflect on me one iota or my 365 day success in my struggle not to sin with you!! This is Yosef Hatzadik the Midas Hayesod in whose path we all follow in this struggle.

You are Tzadik my dear friend! please keep on posting and inspiring all of us here.

I want to publicly thank everyone for the the tremendous chizuk that you guys gave me. Many people posted on the forum, and many more reached out to me privately to be mechazek me and it was amazing!!

We said in the bracha of Kiddush Levana last night “שהם עתידים להתחדש כמותה” which is referring to כלל ישראל becoming ‘new’ like the moon. R’ Chaim Friedlander explains that the reason we say ‘new like the moon’ is because just as the moon waxes and wanes, just as it has its bright moments and dark moments, so too every Jew will constantly be fluctuating up and down and we will have our bright moments and dark moments, but ultimately we will end up “ולפאר ליוצרם על שם כבוד מלכותו” , we will glorify our maker for the name of his glorious kingdom…

That being said, I have had my bright moments (120 clean days) and my dark moments (my fall), but ultimately i will end up glorifying the Ribono Shel Olam. I thought it was going to be really hard to get back on my feet, but thanks to everyone on gye, i already feel a lot like myself again. It was extremely hard to post that i fell. I wanted to pretend like it never happened, to not let everyone here know that i just failed, but I’m so happy that i did. There would be no way for me to have gained back my strength so quickly on my own!!

So I fell, i had a bump in the road, but that’s not gonna stop me from getting right back up and fighting with all my strength to keep on going strong! I made a commitment to read a chapter of the battle of the generation every night. It’s been suggested so many times, but i always kinda ignored those suggestions thinking that i would be ok. I have to admit how wrong i was. Even after reading just the first chapter i had a huge change in perspective how to view the challenge that we are all struggling with. I was always negative and annoyed that I had to deal with this challenge everywhere i went and wished that i wasn’t born into a generation with so much pritzus and lack of morality. These negative feelings slowly chipped away at me until i ultimate fell…

My new perspective (based on the book) is to revel in the challenge. To realize that I have an infinite amount of opportunities to show Hakadosh Baruch Hu what I’m willing to ‘give up’ to serve him. I have the opportunity to become great in a way that the earlier generations didn’t have. The ultimate reward that we will get for dealing with this nisayon in the appropriate way will be enormous!! And although there may be times when we slip or even fall, we will get back up and show Hashem that we are worthy of the title ממלכת כהנים וגוי קדוש. We won’t sit back and give up. We will get right back into the fight and show Hashem who we truly are. Thank you to everyone again for your continued support!
-ftc

Hey Facethechallenge,

YOU ARE A GYE HERO!!!!!

K'shmo Ken Hu! You came here to face the challenge and you did! You made it through a 120 days of CHALLENGE, and for an amazing 120 days you told Hashem I am going to do whatever I could to get back on my feet. BUT, while you may not realize it now in fact the biggest challenge you faced was picking yourself back up after the fall! Iy''h when you are well beyond 120+ you will look back and realize how your success was not the first 120 days that you stayed clean, but rather the day after that you decided that you are going to dust yourself off, get back up, and keep going!! YOU ARE A HERO!

Sheva Yipol Tzadik V'kam! It is so crucial to realize that the pasuk is already calling him a tzadik when he falls. Ultimately we all may fall, but what makes tzadikim are the people who keep getting up and pushing foward overcoming more challenges and each time getting better and better!

In my recent journey, I fell a few times before I got my current streak. The difference that made me succeed oppose to all those other times, was that I came on to GYE and posted about it. I kept in touch with the people on GYE who were supporting me. Although it was soooo hard, I knew I had to keep eliminating the stumbling blocks (filtering devices, etc) and keep pushing forward to new heights (through support, tefila, torah, etc). Sheva Yipol Tzadik VKAM!

FTC, I beg you not to look backwards at this fall and just to look forwards! One day at a time, keep updating your chart and realize that the 120 days you already did are going to make the next 120 even easier!

Keep on inspiring everyone at GYE and keep making Hashem proud!

p.s. I completely understand the challenges of bein hazmanim, and many of my vacation time in Yeshiva was spent drowing my life on the internet. If you could get a summer job, or find some camp or someone that could use an extra pair of helping hands it would go along way! 

FTC!
You are the most real person there is! You feel your pain and you can express it! 
YOu know what you want and where you are! Of course you have changed. There are a lot of 40 year olds that have no idea what they want in life and you are way ahead of most bucherim. So get your ego in check. this is not personal.... We are in this fight for Hashem and you were in the most fierce battle there is and you lasted 120 days in the front lines! You know what that means? We cant even begin to comprehend what this does in the upper realms of the world, Hashem is having such joy its unimaginable. So you now know that you have what it takes, you just keep on going. 
Regarding getting triggered from everything that you keep mentioning- I feel you, im the same sometimes. However the thing to remember is that nothing happens when you get triggered or nothing should/needs to happen, stop fighting it. its normal to get triggered, the mind is so used to getting those hits its addictive. so the mind will try to push for you to keep on thinking about it so it will feel those highs again and again. So you make peace with it and say to yourself " I understand whats happening to me now, of course my mind wants to think that way, its used to getting such pleasure in the past, so thank you mind for trying to give me pleasure, but I know now that this is not what i ultimately want in life and this is not good for me really, so im just going to move on and ignore this, and there is nothing you can do to force me! I can think what i want and im choosing freely to just let it go".
The more you work on this and let youself be ok with having triggers, meaning you understnad why and where is coming from and you stop fighting it, it will get less and less. 

Good Luck and please dont give up now for all of our sakes. We are in this together and you are one of our best soldiers!

Wow! You guys are just fantastic! Thanks for the continuous chizuk!!

Back up to day 3 and going strong! I went out today twice and reconnected with some friends (over an hour drive away the first time, but well worth it!) and realized that connection has been what I’ve been truly yearning for (thank you Vehkam for making me realize this!). In both places there was a decent amount of pritzus, but with my new attitude based on the battle of the generation, i was able to not really be affected by both places. No second looks for me today and i feel great about it! I utilized the challenge as an opportunity to grow bigger instead of having negative thoughts about it, and it really helped me. Anyway, be’ezrat hashem im going to continue trying to reach out to my friends even if it’s “inconvenient” and hopefully that will help me push away my desire to act out. Thank you guys again, i couldn’t have done it without you!
-ftc

B”h im at day 4 clean and it’s been pretty easy to get back in the game. I started using the private gym/pool that i signed up to, today, and that was definitely a game changer for exercise, so that’s one big + in my life right now. (Even with the new attitude that i have towards the challenge of pritzus, it’s still definitely better to avoid it if possible.) And learning is going good even though it’s by myself for now. Tomorrow, im heading out to do a hike with a good friend of mine, so ill have to have my eyes on guard, but i feel confident that i will be able to make it through ok. Be’ezrat hashem the challenge will continue to be easy but if it’s not i feel more prepared to face the challenges than i did before! That’s all for now. Peace
-ftc

To sum up my thoughts on this week. Last motzei Shabbat i fell… I pinpointed that  the feeling of loneliness, plus being triggered on the street as the cause of me using porn as a coping mechanism. That was stupid of me. What i should have done is what i did this week:

First, I went out of my comfort zone to meet up with people. I’m usually the type of guy who won’t do anything with anyone else unless they invite me. I’m not the proactive type when it comes to outings. But i pushed past my boundaries and made the necessary calls and research to find things to do. That definitely cured my symptoms of wanting to act out in regard to loneliness.

Second, I signed up at a private gym/pool so that I could exercise with peace of mind. I now have another outlet that i can use in my free time without fear of constantly being next to undressed women. Definitely a big plus over there.

Third, I started reading a chapter of “the battle of the generation” every night. I know i wrote this a few times, but it’s for a reason. I was always eating myself alive every time i went out to the street or anywhere else for that matter because I was just so frustrated at living in a world full of pritzus… Now I appreciate the opportunity that i have to keep making myself greater and i don’t view it in the same negative light. No, I’m not saying that you should go find a beach to go to and practice not looking at the women there, that’s just stupid. All im saying is that in the day to day activities that i do, where im bound to see not tznius girls, i enjoy the fact that i have an opportunity to show hashem that im trying my best and i can strive for gadlus. This approach has left me with a positive attitude most of the day instead of a negative attitude most of the day.

All in all, this was a growing experience for me. I am learning to deal with the underlying problems in my life and then when that’s solved i memeila don’t have the same urges that i used to. In my current state of mind, there is no way that i would go watch porn or masturbate, yet i did simply because of some other problems that im dealing with. All of this leads me to be on the alert for the real problem and then when I solve that, i should be good to go. I hope to use this information for the rest of this bein hazmanim and the foreseeable future to make sure that i don’t slip right back into my bad habits.

Anyway, wishing everyone here at gye a wonderful shabbos and we should all see much hatzlacha in our journey to freedom!
-ftc

Day 8 passed. The few friends that i had in the ‘area’ are going away on vacation, so im gonna have to find some other people to hang out with. I don’t want to get caught in the cycle again so im going to plan something tonight for tomorrow. 
-ftc

A gut voch! How you are doing great!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted so here’s an update… I started a new thing where I document the times that I pass a nisayon of looking or thinking improperly and I’ve found that it’s been incredibly helpful in helping me keep up a positive attitude. It’s amazing how many more times I pass a nisayon during the day than I fail! It used to be that at the end of the day I would sometimes think “well today was a failure... I looked here to long, and I thought of this thing to long etc.” and that was an unhealthy outlook on my day. I never needed to document the times that I failed as they were always on the front of my mind, but I always forgot about the times, the many times that I did pass throughout the day. So, now at the end of the day I feel great about myself that I didn’t look here when I wanted to, or I went and learnt something when I was being attacked by improper thoughts! And while it’s still true that I will always have room to improve, I don’t view my imperfections as the basis of who I am. It’s very hard to think of yourself as a failure when you realize that 9 out of ten times you are passing a hard test with flying colors! So, that’s definitely one thing that’s been helping my mindset… and i must say that this week when I was at a wedding and was so tempted to look where I was not supposed to (as there were a lot of super not tznius women there), I calmly walked away and wrote down that I just passed a major nisayon, and the feeling couldn’t have been better! The feeling of lust soon dissipated (as it always does after a bit of time) and I moved on in life feeling great! Anyway that was this week.

I’m now looking forward to a new zman, in a new yeshiva, with new chavrusas and I have high hopes for it! I always get nervous before an Elul zman  though (as im sure many people on this site do…) so I need to figure out the proper mindset for the aspect of tshuva etc. I don’t want to get burnt out with feelings of depression as I am prone to do.

Anyway that’s it for now—wishing everyone a good shabbos, a gutten chodesh, and everyone should have siyata dishmaya in continuing to fight on this journey!
-ftc 

Love the positive perspective.
Keep it up!

For undisclosed reasons, i just had the most stressful two weeks of probably my entire life… I couldn’t sleep functionally and i was a total mess inside. Whatever, it wasn’t a good situation. With the help of my parents though, I managed to pull myself back together again. I’m proud to say that i did not run to porn to help me get through the stress. To me it shows that I’m in a much better place right now despite any fall that i have had. I was able to get through this without falling even though it was super stressful and i would have ‘loved’ to go waste a few nights away… b”h i didn’t do that! I have still been religiously reading a chapter of the battle of the generation every night and i still highly suggest for others to do the same. It has been really helpful for me! I was at another wedding over the weekend and i managed to keep clean even though there was plenty to look at. I wouldn’t of had the strength a while back to do this, but thank g-d I’m in a much better place now.

On another note, new zman=new yeshiva which i really like so far. So i have high hopes for the rest of the year right now…
hope everyone has a meaningful Elul and hatzlacha with facing the battle of the generation!!
-ftc

Last few days the yh ramped up his game against me and I’ve been having a lot of urges… I’m proud to say that after all of that I’m still clean! Just kept going back to the beis medrash and tiring myself out with learning. It feels great!! Hopefully it will continue ma’chayil el chayil. I hope everyone else is having hatzlacha as well. I will continue trying to have my fellow gye members in mind during davening that we should all be able to have success in our battle and be’ezras hashem completely break free of our bad habits.
Wishing everyone continued hatzlacha!!
-ftc

Question for anyone/everyone: just some background, i do have a smartphone but it’s completely locked down to the best of my knowledge. I don’t have any games, social media, etc. and my browser is white listed with apple restrictions. Recently there have been a few reasons that made me want to get WhatsApp as i don’t even have that now because i feared that it would be a time waster with chats… But putting the time waster aspect on the side as I can make a decision if the pros beat out the cons in that sense, i was wondering what are or if there are other ramifications of getting WhatsApp and if it should be avoided for people in our situation. I honestly have never used WhatsApp before so i don’t really know what it is. To the best of my knowledge it’s just like any another texting platform, like iMessages, etc. So, please let me know what your experience has been with it and if you think i should avoid it or if there’s no problem. 
Thank you guys!