connected wrote on 06 Nov 2023 17:21:

now you have made me cry. 
let me ask you while im still reeling in pain from your post. im sorry if im going to hurt you
WHY IN THE FREAKING HELL DO YOU STILL HAVE ACCESS TO PORN??? Most of us have times when the desire is not blinding us and we can think clearly, at that moment why not plug up every unfiltered device possible? I hate when people say its not possible.. of course it is! Throw out anything that cant be filtered, filter the hell out of the rest!  Its one thing to Masturbate when the desire gets too strong and another to allow access to internet.
We of all people know the sickness of unfiltered internet and we need to fight it till death. 

OI VY!!!! WAke up people!!! 
Dont you see where we are? why are we still not listening to our rabbanim when we see the disaster this caused??? We have kids, we need to do a better job than our parents did regarding this issue. 

Im sorry for yelling on your thread, but i care. 

chancy wrote on 06 Nov 2023 18:24:

You say shtarkah reid.
Part of me wants to be cynical and make fun; trust me, there's plenty.
But, y'know what? You're right.
I should do what you described. I should get rid of the unnecessary devices.
I should properly filter the ones left.
Will that be my Yeshuah? No.
Will I find other ways to get my hit? Probably.
Still, you're right.

Thanks for yelling on my thread.

Ok, so if he is right, do what you need to do ASAP - before you lose the hisorerus. 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 06 Nov 2023 21:09:

Okay, whoa, let's hold our horses, lest they run off with or without us.
I said he's right, that's all. I have no hisorerus to speak of.
A classic case of brain-heart-disconnect.

Sorry, but i am very passionate about this. I have been witness too many times to guys who worked very very hard and rewired their thinking and stayed clean for very extended amounts of time. However in a moment of severe emotional stress, they fell because pornography was accessible at home or on their phone. These are guys that would not have driven to a Walmart to purchase and start service on a new phone, or something similar to that. But because they had immediate access, they fell. For many of them, that incident was the catalyst that had them finally "go kosher"....  Pleaseconnect your heart and mind and make the wise choice.

connected wrote on 06 Nov 2023 21:26:

Please help me understand. 
you have said name times in the past that after you fall you don’t feel pain, and I’m seeing now that you are right about that.
ao my question is, what brings you here? If emotionally you are ok with what you are doing, what’s bothering you? Is it intellectual? Or you don’t feel it’s right? 
if you have something that is making you want to stop than focus and hone in on that, bring it to the front, how badly do you want/need to stop? And if it’s at a level that you want/need to take action, the first would be to fortify any outside influences, will that be the total 100% solution? Probably not, but without getting rid of unnecessary and unfiltered devices that are close by, nothing can start! 
I was stuck for years until I got that. 
This excuse that people use that it’s me and not the internet is the best YH trick I’ve seen! Of course it’s you, and you are making a decision to become holy by blocking access as much as possible. What will happen afterwards? It depends, for me, it took me a while to really close everything off and I didn’t see results right away, I still felt that thrill every time I passed an semi filtered device in the store or somewhere, but the longer it goes by the weaker that pull is. 

go ahead jump in the deep end of the pool, sky dive into the open, give it all you’ve got, if you want……

To simply answer the question of why I don't do more to filter everything, burn every bridge, jump into the deep end (what's in the deep end?), etc., is that I'm addicted to it. Not in the sense that it controls my day-to-day life but I don't want to fully let it go.

Here's what I find curious.

In the close to two years that I've been active on GYE, I've been pretty open about my porn and masturbation patterns. Recently, I had a long apathy spell, during which I acted out daily. But, in all that time, I don't think I've ever encountered such fiery rhetoric regarding my peculiar behavior. I don't mind the crying and yelling, I'm just wondering, what happened now that triggered this? Am I worse off now than I was six months ago? Is that the reason behind the storm? Did I just hit rock bottom?

The only thing I can think of is that leading up I haven't watched porn for about seven weeks and then, bam, three times in less than twelve hours. Oy vey. I lost my streak. How very painful that is. It already looked so promising. Just as I was going places, I erased my progress with my stupidity and negligence of not having proper filters.

Let me remind y'all I don't have a counter. I couldn't care less about having a long streak. If there ever was a time that I needed a good wake-up call, it was when I was riding the apathy. Where I am now, nothing is erased.

Peace and love.

I didn’t respond to your earlier posts, friend.
I’m not sure I have much to say that you don’t already know. 

But after your last post I decided to share a thought. Because I was saddened too, that you fell. And not because it was a streak that you blew. Because I thought that maybe it didn’t have to happen. I know that might be either stupid or sanctimonious, but let me try to explain. I’m not going to yell. (Chancy really cares, BTW). But I’ll tell you what I really think. Hope that’s ok.  I also know that I may be completely wrong in my assessment. We’re on an anonymous forum and don’t really know each other, though I am trying my best and I care. But forgive me if I overstep. 

I think that you have far greater clarity than most. And after your initial euphoric and triumphant clean streak you discovered that a deeper part of you wasn’t impressed, wasn’t satisfied, and wasn’t placated by the results. You took a journey to try to figure out what you really want, what pornography and masturbation do for you and what they don’t do for you. How they help and how they maim and hurt. You’ve written about it more eloquently than I can. 

I agree with what you said. Apathy, to my personal thinking and experience, is the worst. You went through a long spell of apathy. And you’ve developed the awareness that it wasn’t your genuine feeling and desire, rather it’s a shield, a crutch and a way to be comfortably numb. “All and all it’s just another brick in the wall”. But you have tentatively taken steps to rip off that shield and lose that hiding place, because you have felt the truth that it’s not what you want.  

Through all this you are struggling to determine which is your real voice and which is the merely the posturing of perfection, the image of the brilliant projection of self you can generate, the “sound of silence”, the  Geist that comes from part of you but isn’t the whole story- whom I suspect you may be trying hard to stop having to live with all the time, because he’s exhausting…. I think I’m reading you right, please forgive me if I err. 

You’ve written a heartbreaking letter to porn acknowledging how hard it is to break up with such an enchanting, toxic mistress. But you’ve asked for help from on High, from inside, and even from us. You’ve taken real steps and I think that breakup is what you want.

It’s bloody difficult. I don’t even begin to know the extent of your specific challenges. I’ve got mine own, and they are enough for me to know how hard it is to walk away from something that you want. If you’re an addict that’s another layer of gritty, cold and broken, slogging challenge. May be too hard. 

But here’s what I think. You, today, ought to be smart enough to use some even some “dumb” tools too, in order to have a chance of getting what you want. You understand how these tools work. Utilizing them, from within the place you are in today wouldn’t necessarily be moving backwards in your journey... So why aren’t you? I don’t need to understand, I’ve already stepped over the line. But I’m writing to make sure that you’ve thought about this part enough. 

Ok, enough from me. 
And I’m connecting a little to the pain behind the posts and it hurts so just wanted to tell you that I’m here. 

מאן דבעי חיים

Thanks, @chaimoigen; it seems like you're onto something.

Peace, love, and connection to all.

Was thinking of you, friend, during Nishmas, of all places. How are you ? 

chaimoigen wrote on 12 Nov 2023 00:38:

You sound surprised. That's actually the perfect place to think of me.
Thanks for the check-in.
I'm BH doing well.
Shabbos was nice. No fantasies. No battles. No sex. Just good ol' life.
On Motzei Shabbos, I reached out to a fellow GYE'er for some added connection. He didn't reply that night, but 'twas good enough for me.
Sunday I BH stayed out of the murky waters - which were beckoning to me.
Here we are, Monday.

Shavuah Tov.

Wow, I'm really going at it. Dishing out sage advice on the forum on this and that topic.
Usually, this means that my head has crept back up my rectum.
That's not a good place for a head to be; a head needs to be in reality. On the other hand, when I'm in there, I am less prone to acting out, versus when I'm living in reality. But of course. In there, I don't see myself, I can offer advice to others without acknowledging my own darkness; there isn't much to numb.

Get back out here.

I showed up every day, starting 154 days ago.
On most of them, I didn't feel like a hero.

Some days, I didn't feel like taking it on the chin.
But I persevered through thick and thin.

Then, one day, life was a sneak.
After 154 days, I lost my streak.

As I sit and contemplate my broken chain,
A small thought creeps into my brain.

If I fell already into this pit,
I might as well stay down here for a bit.

Of course, this rationale makes no sense at all,
Every day has its own call.

The fact that I forgot Mincha one day,
Doesn't mean that I should no longer pray.


(True story)

The Satan wants the yi'ush after a fall more than the fall itself.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 19 Nov 2023 21:07:

I don't know if he wants it more, but it's certainly a good strategy he's got set up.
Dividens, my friend. It's the gift that keeps giving.