Connected, good you are experiencing an emotion awakening. 

As a reminder from yourself,  filter all your devices! Boom! What is happening to you?

frank.lee wrote on 20 Sep 2023 23:07:

Here's a piece of philosophy for you:

The device I use(d) is filtered.
I never said anything about making sure there are no holes.
(This is the part where we get into an argument over the term "filter": does that mean there are no known holes? What about holes that were unknown at the time of installation and were found afterward?)

Regarding your closing question, I have no clue. Maybe I'll have a retrospective answer in a couple of years. Maybe not.

"This Tzadik you speak of is dying a slow, painful, but necessary death.
The way he writes, Be honest, while he was anything but..."

I respectfully disagree. The Tzaddik i speak of wouldn't be on this forum if that was the case.. The Tzaddik i speak of knows of ups and downs like everyone else.. The Tzaddik i speak of has a Neshama Tehora which he cannot touch or taint.., the Tzaddik i speak of can connect to the Ribbono Shel OIam in the most incredible way irrelevant of what has happened in the past. The Tzaddik i speak of is you.

I recently read an old thread where one of the old-timers congratulated Dov on an upcoming sobriety anniversary, and Dov replied something along these lines, "Tomorrow is just another regular day. There's nothing special about it".
(Classic Dov, I know.)

This exchange gave me a new angle on one day at a time.

Today is all I've got.
I don't expect it to feel better because it marks the completion of ten years.
I don't expect it to be harder because of the coming ten years.

I don't want to watch porn today.
I'm holding out my hand to you, Father, like my three-year-old daughter holds out hers to me.

Today's prayer:

Thank you for giving me the courage not to masturbate yesterday morning. I appreciate spending the day with you.

After saying many times, "Our father, our king," I realized that the term is hollow for me. Please grant me an understanding of what a father is so I can connect with you and so I can be a proper father to my children as well. (None of us grew up with a king.)

Help me be sane today. Help me be present for myself, my wife, my children, and anyone I interact with. Today.
Keep me away from rationalizations and protect me from my mind.

Flip.
I can't do this myself.
Is this what powerlessness feels like?

It certainly sounds like thats what you're feeling.
But I think you know good and well that your feelings do not always reflect reality....

connected wrote on 26 Sep 2023 17:42:

I'm glad I waited this out.
Thanks, Dad.

connected wrote on 26 Sep 2023 21:28:

Not the first person you called Dad 
#justsaying
connected wrote on 08 Aug 2023 16:06:

Your quote from Dov made me think.
A perhaps mildly sacrilegious thought. 

Yom Kippur may be (among other things) a day that showcases the incredible power of living within and for a single Day.

Yesterday it was all much more than a mere veneer of white. It’s what I truly wanted. For the day. 

I need to think on this more. 
(ימים יצרו ולו אחד מהם?)

Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, either. 

My best, 
CMO

chaimoigen wrote on 26 Sep 2023 22:12:

The way I see it, RH and YK are the days we don't live for that day itself, only asking for the year to come.

But there's a big likelihood that I don't know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, that's probably it.

Does it matter, though?
(Hello, apathy, my old friend)

Hello. 
Wondering how you are doing, friend.

Post Sukkos recap:

On the first day of YT, I felt very on edge; I couldn't sit still. When the shul was up to Hallel, I had no patience to go along, so I sat down, closed my eyes, and focused on my breathing for a few minutes till I felt my inner whirlwind settling down. I then asked Hashem to help me stay sober from alcohol and masturbation for that day. The rest of the day was BH beautiful.

Day two: Before I had a chance to pray for help to keep me sober from these two vices, I indulged in one of them (no, I didn't drink Woodford in bed). but here's the chizuk I take from it, in the past, when this would happen, I'd give up on the day. I'd get borderline drunk and probably masturbate again. This time, I BH managed to accept what I'd done right after I did it and moved on, had a wonderful, sober rest of the day.

Cholamoid (is that a word?) was BH nice. I BH did not run for porn first thing Motzei YT (unlike after Rosh Hashana).

Before the second days, I had the urge to post something on WhatsApp about the ills of excessive drinking during those days. The conscious reason being that maybe someone from my shul will hold me accountable so I won't drink. Blah, blah, blah. Sneaky, virtue-signaling ego. Glad I caught it in time.

On Shmini Atzeres morning, I once again masturbated. The rest of the day was a beautiful experience - including the oppressive urge late afternoon.
Simchas Torah was a BH nice. I tried to be useful by helping prepare the shul for Hakafos and for the Kiddush. I BH did not drink much and tried my best to stay away from the women's section.

Here we are, Isru Chag. Thinking back, I think this was the nicest Sukkos I've yet experienced/participated in.
No fanfare, my davening wasn't who-knows-what. But I was there. I was there for my wife, my kids, my friends, and for myself. And I enjoyed it.
I felt the urge to escape more than once, and I did twice, but overall, I'd give myself a pat on the back and say attaboy.

Some Lessons:
I need a better morning schedule for Shabbos and YT (I think I wrote something along those lines a year+ ago).
I don't need alcohol to be a good friend in shul.
I can have a beautiful Yom Tov with my wife (even) when she's physically unavailable.
Make sure to take a few minutes a day (preferably in the morning) to meditate and ask for help for today.

Yay for three weeks off porn.

Thanks, @chaimoigen, for checking in. I blocked GYE on my phone, so I couldn't post updates, but I got the email of your post, and it was like getting a hug from someone who gets it.

Okay, I'll say it: ODAAT is such a drag.
It's boring.
It's tedious.
It's monotonous.
(Does anyone have a thesaurus?)

I think all of the above is true only as long as I'm clinging to my ego and its desire to be recognized.

God Almighty, help me stay sober today and help me feel "enough" and not seek outside validation.

connected wrote on 10 Oct 2023 14:54:

Someone told me once upon a time thrill seekers live empty lives because they just run from one high to the next and as such are never happy because they have no boundaries. People who live ODAAT even though it can be monotonous, boring, tedious, a drag even dare I say repetitive, can find happiness because they are living within a framework that has boundaries and they understand that whatever they need can be found within those boundaries