chaimoigen wrote on 25 Aug 2023 14:13:

Interesting that you chose this particular quote from this author. From what it seems, he spent his fair share of time in the abyss, many of his compositions came from there.
Here's a classic example:

חנני יהוה כי אמלל־אני רפאני יהוה כי נבהלו עצמי. ונפשי נבהלה מאד ואתה יהוה עד־מתי. שובה יהוה חלצה נפשי הושיעני למען חסדך. כי אין במות זכרך בשאול מי יודה־לך

connected wrote on 25 Aug 2023 14:58:

I understand and appreciate what you are saying, very much.
I have related to the unbridled pain in Tehillim much, in some very strange and dark places....

For myself, I have found that when I focused much on, and identified deeply with the darkness inside of me, the outcome reflected that darkness. 
So I choose instead to focus on the the path out of the darkness, the promise in the bright gleam of hopefulness on the horizon. Without denying the truth of the נפשי נבהלה מאוד , but with my energies fixated on סורו ממני וגו, כי שמע ה׳ קול בכיי.
Actually, Kipittle נא talked to me much over the years, and I've been yearning towards השיבה לי ששון ישעיך ורוח נדיבה תסמכיני,וגו׳ וגו׳
Staying in the fight with the courage that comes to me from working on אובה ימים לראות טוב...
I once heard from an Adam Gadol to try to stay out of the בלאטע , even when cleaning it off....

This is what works/worked/didn't work for me.
What works for you, my friend? I am not arrogant or foolish enough to try to answer that question.
But I hope that you discover the answer, and I hope that you keep sharing with us.

KOT,
Respectfully,
CMO

chaimoigen wrote on 27 Aug 2023 15:36:

The two most helpful tools I've come to learn over the past few months are acceptance and not assuming that "this time I figured it out."
I don't know, and that's okay.

My ego hates both, and I (still) identify closely with my ego.

Here's my current thought process:

It's the obsession that drives me crazy.
Whether the obsession with lust or the obsession to stay away.
Whether the obsession to post on GYE or the obsession to mind my business.
It's almost never flatline. It's extreme.
Either way, whichever side I'm leaning, I'm not in a calm place.
(I think I recall hearing someone explaining the mind of an addict in these terms.)

For the past two weeks (approximately), I've tried (obsessively) not to obsess.
When I was working, I worked.
When I was with my kids, I played with my kids.
When I felt the desire to masturbate, I masturbated.

I understand that from a Jewish perspective, this is wrong, and even from a natural/material/physical perspective, I have no idea what the long-term implications might be, but life is so simple like this.

That's where I'm at, folks.

Hey, how are you doing?

chaimoigen wrote on 07 Sep 2023 13:25:

Are you so sure that I'm doing in the first place that you asked "how" I'm doing?

I think the proper line of questioning would be:
1) Are you doing?
2) What are you doing?
3) How are you doing?
4) Why are you doing?

Some philosophers (aka, drei-kup) switch 3 and 4.

Having said all that, I think I'm in a pretty good place. I'm not "clean" in the GYE sense, but my mind isn't preoccupied with sex as much.
(Basically, like I wrote in a previous post.)

It's sort of a paradox, the more I try to stop and stay clean, the more I need to obsess with it, so the more it's on my mind. On the other hand, if I decide I'm not trying to stop, then I inevitably act out, but my mind is clear the rest of the time.

Hey connected! 

Click HERE to get connected to THOUSANDS of local Drei Kups in your area!!

Sorry there’s no live link….

But if I may ask….I’m not sure if I understood your earlier post,

Are you doing?

mailer wrote on 07 Sep 2023 15:32:

Don't you worry; we drie-kups know where to find and abhor each other (ourselves too, sometimes).

connected wrote on 07 Sep 2023 21:08:

Know the feeling.....

Just spent a post-slichos hour reading your thread from the beginning.
(yawn). It's early/late. [This was better than the other things I wanted to look at.]

You are good with words, friend. And better with thinking. And there's a lot of painful stuff that resonates. Especially the reflections on online persona, ego, pain and abhorrence. 

I am thinking of you. Machshavos Tovos.
Stay Connected .

chaimoigen wrote on 10 Sep 2023 07:06:

Whatever it takes to stifle the honesty.

Something happened to me after the last time I watched porn.

It was on Monday morning (Tzom Gedalya). I came out of the bathroom (like many times in the past), and I saw my wife sleeping (like many times in the past), but this time, I was hit with a sudden feeling that I just cheated on my wife. It was unlike anything I've experienced in the past. Like an authoritative figure looking at me disapprovingly, saying, what are you doing, man? And I had nothing to answer.

Before anyone gets philosophical, I know it's technically not cheating and that, in Jewish law, cheating works only in one direction. I know, I know. I also know that If I want to get better, I need to quit philosophizing (and I'm a darn skilled philosopher).

This isn't the usual good ol' post-acting-out guilt because I usually have none. I've come out of the bathroom and seen my wife countless times; I never gave it a second thought.
Something shook my apathy.
I need to stop. I need to get better.

At the same time, I don't want to obsess.
I just want to live. The words חפץ בחיים come to mind.

I know of a special Tzaddik who has tremendous Eitzas on how to move forwards.. read his post here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/383913-Doing-the-impossible#383913 hoping it will help..
Wishing you a gmar tov. 

connected wrote on 20 Sep 2023 14:56:

Sounds like you may have received a gift. I hope you find a way to tap into it, my friend. 

taherlibeinu wrote on 20 Sep 2023 15:10:

This Tzadik you speak of is dying a slow, painful, but necessary death.
The way he writes, Be honest, while he was anything but...