• Spent quality time with my wife.
• Had patience for my kids.
• Daven'd with mindfulness.
• Led beautiful Seudos.
• Stayed upbeat through the many stops on Shopping Sunday (it's a thing).
• Got hold of porn and masturbated.
• Entertained the kids for over an hour in the car while waiting at the doctor's office.
• Masturbated again at night.
• Went to sleep early.

Happy first anniversary of my first serious attempt to "break free."

I've recently been having flashbacks of these months last year. I don't recognize that guy. 
He was energetic, upbeat, and fighting uphill.
And winning.
And feeling awesome about himself.

Summer went by, and winter came along... and many things shifted in my life.

I'd say I've climbed pretty darn high in terms of perspective on my life. Looking down, I see myself last year, and I can't help but be mildly amused. It's quite obvious what was driving me. Life had dumped some pretty serious excrement on my plate, and this was how I was coping with it. I created a strong, positive alter ego, started writing up a storm, and kept checking for thank yous and comments. The whole shpiel. This numbed and protected me from what was actually going on. My emotions were under total lockdown. Of course, that's not how I saw it at the time.

Ironically, for as long as I remember, my go-to escape from reality was masturbation, and now my escape was the opposite. Whatever it takes.

Once I reached 90 days - which I kept saying was not the goal (yeah, right), I started running out of energy to maintain this charade and began craving my old pacifier. Slowly the reality of what life has served started hitting me, and I needed to take more serious action.

After sitting in some groups over the last few months, where we had some open, honest discussions, I'm beginning to accept what the OGs of GYE say: the forum might be nice, but for real healing and growth, you need to talk to an actual human being.

Fast forward to the present (oh, the blessed present), and part of me wants to jump back on the GYE train. The other part wants no part of it. (The third part is just walking in circles, blathering incoherently, ignore him.) I'd love to experience the high I felt last year, but nothing is fueling the ascent.
In a way, the high was artificial.
But it was so good.
Sorta like porn.

In any case, today is day 2, should I choose to accept it.
Day 2 of what though?