For the past two days, I finally managed to halt my midday drug use.
I feel empty. Porn and masturbation fill a void. (Truthfully, it doesn't "fill" anything; it numbs my awareness of the abyss.) I didn't use it, so I feel horrible.

There's no end in sight.
I keep telling myself, "one day at a time".
My-Self refuses to be fooled.

Who is Self?
Who am I?
Whom am I arguing with?
Who wants this?
What exactly is it that he (is it a he?) wants?
Who is opposed, and what does he (is this one a he?) want instead?

If all involved parties would identify themselves and stop pretending to be the other, life would be much simpler. Or, I can just go for some numbing activities and forget it all.
Hey! Who said that?!

connected wrote on 14 Dec 2022 18:17:

Every Yid is comprised of two souls: the first is what is called the “Nefesh Habahamis”, the animal soul. The Nefesh Habahamis is the human side of us, the side that wants us to feel good about ourselves. The Nefesh Habahamis governs itself through emotions and desires to the extent that even his intellect is nothing more than a tool for which to get his heart’s desires, similar to an animal whose intelligence is only used instinctively. The Nefesh Habahamis is entirely self-absorbed; he’s all about making himself more comfortable. The second soul is the G-dly soul, the “Nefesh Haelokis”. It is governed by intellect and a burning desire to come close to G-d. Its very existence is a piece of G-d Himself manifested in the person’s soul! It is with this soul that man always aspires to reach for something greater, to always yearn for higher. The Nefesh Haelokis is all about giving up of oneself.

Now, these two souls battle each other over control of the person in which they both reside; when we enjoy ourselves, especially when we sin, we feed our animal soul, giving him future domain over ourselves. When we step out of our comfort zone to help another person or to study Torah and do a Mitzvah, we are feeding our G-dly soul, putting him in control. In a sense, every Jew really does have a two-faced personality; two sides which differ in their very essences yet they both reside in one person. In light of this, the ambiguity and confusion that one feels after such conflicting feelings now makes sense and he need not be distressed about his “split-personality” at all. Such a concern would only be valid if the individual was driven by one soul. Once he acknowledges that it is indeed two different souls residing in the same person, a Yid can better understand his own character.

Wow. The noise in some threads is deafening.

I heard an awesome podcast today with Rabbi Daniel Lapin; here's an excerpt:

I really don't want anybody to try and make the world a better place. Stop doing that, please.
Just improve your life, and my life will automatically improve; that's how God set up human society.
For you to try and improve the world means you're going to have to use force because otherwise, how are you going to get people to conform to your vision of what a better world looks like, which may not be what my better world looks like?
Please, leave the world alone. Just look after your own life, and everyone around you will be happier.

****************
As for me, I had a fairly good week, and yesterday, I took such a gevaldig'eh plunge that, like Paroh's dreams, made the seven good days be totally forgotten. I can say that I tzindt the Menorah last night under ten Tefachim. Lamehadrin.

connected wrote on 20 Dec 2022 21:41:

And for Yosef Hatzadik, the dreams were the Yeshua! B'ezras Hashem by you B'karov!

jackthejew wrote on 21 Dec 2022 10:09:

Now all that's left is to figure out how to transform from playing Paroh into being Yosef.
Any tips?

connected wrote on 21 Dec 2022 15:33:

Remember that Yosef started off by plunging into a Bor. Twice.

jackthejew wrote on 21 Dec 2022 15:40:

Oh no, my friend.
Yosef was thrown by others both times.
I jumped of my own volition. All n times.
Anyhow, bygone.

After breaking my streak in the summer, I naturally clicked Don't Display Streak on Forum. I was already up there and couldn't bear having a single digit prominently displayed near my (anonymous) name. That's what I needed to do to protect my ego.



I want to try to start over. Like a freshman all over again. It's very uncomfortable, but it might help.



So, here goes:

day 1



What the heck am I even doing? Nothing.

Ha, good one.

If I keep doing nothing till tomorrow, I'll be up to day 2.

wow, you are growing, using your fall to become a better person, to become more vulnerable and honest 
  
[some understanding how עבירות נעשות כזכיות when the עבירה enabled you to become a better person, to open your self up in a deeper place, more honest ]
   

Sometimes we feel we need to write a whole post in order to write something

Let me tell you, writing clean today, is a big story, a lot of strength of 1,440 minutes hard work.

Take it easy, you mentioned in an earlier post its not about streaks, so keep it up one day at a time,

The truth not even one day at a time, just make a decision to live today

All the best

No Mask

Day 2

Thank you, @No Mask, for your encouragement. Yes, I'm making a conscious decision to live today.

Actually, today is too long (being the shortest Erev Shabbos notwithstanding); this moment is more manageable.

I'll take a deep breath, and enjoy the present.

No Mask wrote on 23 Dec 2022 04:41:

I like the thought on עבירות נעשית זכיות! Is it your own thought?

Day 4

'Twas a nice Shabbos, BH.
I had a terrific dream Friday night, which made my morning somewhat difficult, but I was BH able to let go and be present for the most part.

Day 5

Not much to write (home) about.
Just trying to stay committed to my rebirth.

Day 6

Just like a tree passing by my window as I drive.
Here it comes.
There it goes.
The tree is gone.
Oh, here comes another one.
No problem. That tree is not me.

Here comes a desire.
I can watch the desire come and let it go.
The desire is not me, either.
There it goes.

So it is possible. This is something to invest more into.

connected wrote on 27 Dec 2022 16:02:

Yes it IS possible. 
When we are under an attack of lust, we feel we need it NOW – and the lust makes us act compulsively. In such moments, it is important to realize that lust comes in waves, and after the initial peak the intensity subsides - sometimes even within minutes. If we could somehow distract ourselves with something else, we will often find that the attack will pass and our sanity and composure will return.