18 days.
Chai!

Thank You Hashem for a beautiful Shabbos!

I ask you to please continue holding my hand and lead me through this minefield called Sunday shopping. I don't know where not to step. I don't know in which direction not to happen to look. There's no way to know. But that's all it takes. One wrong step, and the mine is activated; one wrong look and the fire is raging.

I'll let you guide me.

Here's to an awesome Sunday! 

19 Days
The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)

Motzei Shabbos passed productively. I usually have a hard time falling asleep on MS. In the past, I would go for a session and then watch YouTube for hours - probably the worst possible way to start off the week. B"H, I filtered my phone and gathered the courage to block YouTube; I spent my time reading and journaling.
Hello, new week.

B"H Sunday went amazingly well. I was able to focus on what was important and be present where I was needed, and not get distracted by my usual Sunday triggers.

Breathe.
Focus.
One day moment at a time.

21 Days
The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)

Are we talking about me?

Does this number represent the number of days I survived, nay, thrived without seeking out P&M as an escape?

Upon closer inspection, yes.

This number is mine.
Mine forever.

25 Days
The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)

Nice shabbos.
Nice week.
Triggering Daf Yomi.
I've got nothing to write.
Still standing.

Have a great week y'all.

27 Days
The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)

I'm approaching the 4-week mark. Not that four weeks is "a thing," but it's like a mile marker on my journey.

He tried tripping me up in my sleep. Showing me my phone in my dream as though I'm watching p**n.
I woke up with a burning urge.
Good thing I woke up a bit late, so I didn't have time to act out right then and there. As time went on, I identified the dirty tactic.

B"H, still standing.

Amazing job getting to 27 days!
Can you filter your phone? Why do you have access to shmutz on your phone?
Keep up the great work!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 24 May 2022 20:50:

I actually do have a filter and WebChaver for the last 27 days. (Thank you, Rabbi Yitzchak Berkowitz, for giving me the final push.)

I'm saying that my dream was of my phone playing a p**n clip. No filter for that so far.

When I woke up, the urge was burning so intensely that I didn't even need p**n to act out.
B"H I didn't have time then (Thank you 6:00 am Chavrusa waiting).

Ah, okay. Got it!

I understand what you're saying. Very inspirational to me.

When breaking out of this mess, it is very normal to either have wet dreams or wake up very triggered. It is the subconscious mind's way of trying to get that pleasure. The good news is that it diminishes as time goes on b'ezras Hashem - but in the beginning it can be uncomfortable. Do not let it demoralize you.... Much has been written about this on various forum threads. Continued hatzlocha - keep inspiring the chevra here.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 25 May 2022 11:07:

Indeed.

I'm not surprised or upset by the dream, for it's not the dream that counts but rather our reaction.

And with help from above, the response was in my favor.

32 Days
The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)

A lot happened since my last post.

• I lost approximately a pound.
• I didn't devour that sight.
• It rained like heck almost all Shabbos.
• I made it to - and past - 30 days.
• I got rid of the bees that claimed my deck.
• And much much more

I'm well aware that everyone's terribly curious about everything I mentioned, but I'll just focus on two points.

1) These bees were driving me nuts, I bought out Walmarts pesticide products and one of them did the job. TYH for that.

2) Feels good to have 32 days under my belt. Not too shabby for a guy who's longest streak used to be 4 days.

Can't let my guard down, these bees can return and so can my demons.

34 Days
The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)

Just checking in.
Still standing.

I wish I could share this whole story with my wife...

• The desire to do it
• The perceived high it gives
• The struggle to stop
• The crushing feeling upon falling yet again
• The despair
• The loneliness
• The feeling of leading a secret life
• The negative effects

Of course, also:

• The learning to change my mindset about it
• The learning to not look around hungrily at whoever catches my attention
• The triumphant feeling when another minute, hour, day is mine
• The feeling of empowerment when I can calmly say (and truly feel) "I don't need this"

It's such a big part of who I am. This has been a dominant factor in me for over 20 years.
I don't think I'm far enough to disclose it to her...I wish.
One day at a time. I'll get there.

This is one of the goals motivating me to keep going.

34 Days

The furthest I've ever made it (I look forward to writing this line every day now...)



Just checking in.

Still standing.A suggestion - Maybe take out the word "still". It subtly implies an expectation to fall. These little nuances help us rewire our thinking.



 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 02 Jun 2022 11:10:

Good point.
Although, the same suggestion can be made to GYE. They use the same phrase when updating the 90 days count...