Went home for shabbos, so far clean for today.

I'm in a little bit of a tough situation (though not unexpected): My parents want me to start shidduchim. Like right now. They already have some suggestions that they want to look into. I would also like to; I'm already 24 and most of my friends are married, some already with a kid (I've done a few וואך נאכט shifts recently  ).

But I don't think it would be healthy for me in my current situation. I'm still struggling too much and haven't yet had steady success, although I think (hope...) I'm going in the right direction. I also can't imagine myself telling a girl about this (My issue has been serious and long enough that I don't think it's right not to tell, unless someone can convince me otherwise).

Although my parents know that I've struggled in the past, they don't know the extent of it and think that after I had four consultations two years ago - I'm all good.
I think they realize something isn't right since I keep pushing them off, but I don't feel comfortable telling them I don't want to start since I'm still watching porn.

I don't know how (or if there is even a way) to handle this well.

I believe that you are definitely going in the right direction.  I also agree with frank.lee that you are normal like most healthy bochurim.  However, I am not convinced that staying in shidduchim and getting engaged is likely to solve the problem.  There may be a temporary reprieve because you are busy but there is definitely significant risk that there will not be a reprieve and that even if there is a temporary change, the problem will come back in full force.

How many people on this site can say that they have a successful happy marriage while also occasionally seeking out pornography? If there are any such people I hope they will identify themselves.  They will likely have far better insight then I do.

You are in a tough place.  You want to start shidduchim, but you know deep down that you cannot be fully honest.  This is a serious issue and should not be glossed over.  You run a high risk of making wrong decisions when you are not being fully honest with a potential wife and with yourself.

This does not mean that you are between a rock and a hard place.  You can use the desire to start shidduchim as a motivator to address this struggle full force.  This cannot be accomplished without outside help.  I very much recommend that you seek out a therapist that is trained in this specific area.  You can call Relief on your own. They are very helpful.   You do  not need to go through your parents. A trained therapist can also guide you on what and when to disclose to a potential wife.

You can tell your parents that you would also like to start shidduchim but that you have some internal conflicts that you are going to sort out with a therapist.  You do not need to share what these conflicts are.  This does not need to take a long time.  If you are focused and driven you can accomplish the necessary goals to begin dating in less time than you think.  However it will not be just three or four visits.

You also mention that you have not had the courage to open up to a rebbi.  A therapist may be able to help you with that.  You absolutely will gain a tremendous amount by having a rebbi that really knows you.  You need to find that rebbi and open up.  This is your whole life in front of you, don’t just “wing it” and hope that everything will be ok.  Of course it has to be the right rebbi, it is usually obvious who those rebbeim are.  Your friend may be able to help with that as well.

I apologize if my opinion comes across as negative or harsh.  Perhaps i am too much of an alarmist.  These are my thoughts.   I feel for you and want you to have the best life and the best marriage possible.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out privately.

vehkam