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TOPIC: Work in progress 31578 Views

Re: Work in progress 26 Jun 2025 00:24 #437964

  • vehkam
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I am lucky that my wife knows everything about my history and my recovery.  There are not that many people here that have that luxury.  Even so, without me spelling it out for her, she had no idea of how much planning and awareness goes into shmiras einayim every time I travel into the city for work.

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.

I recently described the process to my wife, and she was amazed that so much thought goes into this.  Women generally don’t have to think about this at all.  There are so many of you who are doing the same thing on a daily basis.  I know that most of you don’t have the liberty of sharing your fails but perhaps you can find an opportunity to share these wins.

Wishing you continued success

vehkam
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 27 Jun 2025 02:33 #438026

  • cleanmendy
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vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.


What I take out of this post, is how a person can change himself and be so in control of his thoughts and actions! We all have this power, thank you vehkam for showing us how far we can get in this fight!! 
This is my thread.
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/428861-Im-gonna-do-it-this-time

My email is.
mendelclean1234@gmail.com

This is the link for the battle of the generation audiobook
tinyurl.com/BattleGenAudiobook

Re: Work in progress 27 Jun 2025 12:53 #438034

  • redfaced
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cleanmendy wrote on 27 Jun 2025 02:33:

vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.


What I take out of this post, is how a person can change himself and be so in control of his thoughts and actions! We all have this power, thank you vehkam for showing us how far we can get in this fight!! 

Not so much to be in control of his thoughts, but more, to be mindfully in control of actions, which in turn benefit thoughts.

Something that all of us are working on.
May you slide down the banister of happiness and get many splinters of success up your career

Feel free to send me an owl, a howler, or even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to Iamredfaced@gmail.com


The Red Face

Re: Work in progress 27 Jun 2025 13:07 #438036

  • vehkam
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cleanmendy wrote on 27 Jun 2025 02:33:

vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.


What I take out of this post, is how a person can change himself and be so in control of his thoughts and actions! We all have this power, thank you vehkam for showing us how far we can get in this fight!! 

i would not say that i am in total control of my thoughts. there are often unwanted thoughts that pop in!

I do try to treat my relationship with hashem in a way that is real.  The same way i would go out of my way to do anything for a girl that i was pursuing - i try to have the same passion and drive in my relationship with hashem.  When we are passionate about something we generally will do whatever it takes to make it work.  The rbs'o has everything.  The one gift that i can offer hashem is to take something that is difficult and do it because it is ratzon hashem.  When i feel that attraction, that desire to look etc... i have a decision in front of me.  I can indulge in a momentary pleasure or i can take that pleasure and offer it as a gift to the rbs'o by saying no i will not look.  with this perspective i believe that a feeling of closeness develops.  the rbso has been so good to me, i cherish the opportunities to show my appreciation.

this does not mean that i am 100% successful every time, but this is the mindset that i try to have.

best wishes for continued success
vehkam
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
Last Edit: 27 Jun 2025 13:10 by vehkam.

Re: Work in progress 27 Jun 2025 13:14 #438037

  • chaimoigen
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vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

I am lucky that my wife knows everything about my history and my recovery.  There are not that many people here that have that luxury.  Even so, without me spelling it out for her, she had no idea of how much planning and awareness goes into shmiras einayim every time I travel into the city for work.

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.

I recently described the process to my wife, and she was amazed that so much thought goes into this.  Women generally don’t have to think about this at all.  There are so many of you who are doing the same thing on a daily basis.  I know that most of you don’t have the liberty of sharing your fails but perhaps you can find an opportunity to share these wins.

Wishing you continued success

vehkam


I have found (and suggested to others) that using the Vayimaen messages as a conversation piece can a great way to introduce the conversation to one's wife. 90,000 Yiddin watch them, so there's nothing shameful about being part of the positive conversation about working on growth in Shmiras Enayim. In this context, it helps take the topic into the open in a way without shame and secrecy.
Among other benefits, this can help planning for trips in the summer properly etc be far easier.
Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Perhaps you'd enjoy seeing Chaim's Oigen

Re: Work in progress 27 Jun 2025 13:27 #438038

  • cleanmendy
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chaimoigen wrote on 27 Jun 2025 13:14:

vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

I am lucky that my wife knows everything about my history and my recovery.  There are not that many people here that have that luxury.  Even so, without me spelling it out for her, she had no idea of how much planning and awareness goes into shmiras einayim every time I travel into the city for work.

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.

I recently described the process to my wife, and she was amazed that so much thought goes into this.  Women generally don’t have to think about this at all.  There are so many of you who are doing the same thing on a daily basis.  I know that most of you don’t have the liberty of sharing your fails but perhaps you can find an opportunity to share these wins.

Wishing you continued success

vehkam


I have found (and suggested to others) that using the Vayimaen messages as a conversation piece can a great way to introduce the conversation to one's wife. 90,000 Yiddin watch them, so there's nothing shameful about being part of the positive conversation about working on growth in Shmiras Enayim. In this context, it helps take the topic into the open in a way without shame and secrecy.
Among other benefits, this can help planning for trips in the summer properly etc be far easier.

Thanks that's a great idea! I have also shared pieces from TBOTG with my wife, helped her understand a lot of what I deal with. 
Sharing about my struggles in this way, when its not just me, but Klal Yisroel, has helped me get some validation that I desperately wanted from her. When I started my journey here, I wished she could share in my wins (but couldnt, because it wouldnt have been good for us). Sharing ideas that I have learnt about in general Shmiras Eynayim, not staying away from clubs etc... has helped me a great deal get that validation and bring us closer.
This is my thread.
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/428861-Im-gonna-do-it-this-time

My email is.
mendelclean1234@gmail.com

This is the link for the battle of the generation audiobook
tinyurl.com/BattleGenAudiobook

Re: Work in progress 27 Jun 2025 14:42 #438040

  • mggsbms
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chaimoigen wrote on 27 Jun 2025 13:14:

vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

I am lucky that my wife knows everything about my history and my recovery.  There are not that many people here that have that luxury.  Even so, without me spelling it out for her, she had no idea of how much planning and awareness goes into shmiras einayim every time I travel into the city for work.

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.

I recently described the process to my wife, and she was amazed that so much thought goes into this.  Women generally don’t have to think about this at all.  There are so many of you who are doing the same thing on a daily basis.  I know that most of you don’t have the liberty of sharing your fails but perhaps you can find an opportunity to share these wins.

Wishing you continued success

vehkam


I have found (and suggested to others) that using the Vayimaen messages as a conversation piece can a great way to introduce the conversation to one's wife. 90,000 Yiddin watch them, so there's nothing shameful about being part of the positive conversation about working on growth in Shmiras Enayim. In this context, it helps take the topic into the open in a way without shame and secrecy.
Among other benefits, this can help planning for trips in the summer properly etc be far easier.

My wife shares them with me.. go figure..
Aka -  Mischadeish075 Email mischadeish075@gmail.com
Last Edit: 27 Jun 2025 19:27 by mggsbms.

Re: Work in progress 29 Jun 2025 15:35 #438072

  • chaimoigen
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cleanmendy wrote on 27 Jun 2025 13:27:

chaimoigen wrote on 27 Jun 2025 13:14:

vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

I am lucky that my wife knows everything about my history and my recovery.  There are not that many people here that have that luxury.  Even so, without me spelling it out for her, she had no idea of how much planning and awareness goes into shmiras einayim every time I travel into the city for work.

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.

I recently described the process to my wife, and she was amazed that so much thought goes into this.  Women generally don’t have to think about this at all.  There are so many of you who are doing the same thing on a daily basis.  I know that most of you don’t have the liberty of sharing your fails but perhaps you can find an opportunity to share these wins.

Wishing you continued success

vehkam


I have found (and suggested to others) that using the Vayimaen messages as a conversation piece can a great way to introduce the conversation to one's wife. 90,000 Yiddin watch them, so there's nothing shameful about being part of the positive conversation about working on growth in Shmiras Enayim. In this context, it helps take the topic into the open in a way without shame and secrecy.
Among other benefits, this can help planning for trips in the summer properly etc be far easier.

Thanks that's a great idea! I have also shared pieces from TBOTG with my wife, helped her understand a lot of what I deal with. 
Sharing about my struggles in this way, when its not just me, but Klal Yisroel, has helped me get some validation that I desperately wanted from her. When I started my journey here, I wished she could share in my wins (but couldnt, because it wouldnt have been good for us). Sharing ideas that I have learnt about in general Shmiras Eynayim, not staying away from clubs etc... has helped me a great deal get that validation and bring us closer.

Exactly! 
Sharing and discussing your work on Shmiras Enayim with her is truthfully sharing this part of yourself with her. Yes, you aren’t sharing the full picture, but the aspects that you are sharing are true, and the fact that you can now share this part of yourself is tremendous. 
Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Perhaps you'd enjoy seeing Chaim's Oigen

Re: Work in progress 02 Jul 2025 23:39 #438363

  • proudyungerman
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vehkam wrote on 27 Jun 2025 13:07:

cleanmendy wrote on 27 Jun 2025 02:33:

vehkam wrote on 26 Jun 2025 00:24:

Where to stand, where to sit, do I rush to disembark, or do I stay back for a moment… especially in the summer these are all micro decisions that are made on a daily basis.  Picking up the pace (or purposely slowing down) as I head to the escalator and timing it so that I am hopefully looking up at a man in front of me or at least someone that is not dressed in a revealing fashion.  Sometimes I miscalculate or someone turns up out of nowhere and the challenge is to figure out whether to stare at the ceiling or the floor.  Then I get to the street, and I get to make these decisions all over again.


What I take out of this post, is how a person can change himself and be so in control of his thoughts and actions! We all have this power, thank you vehkam for showing us how far we can get in this fight!! 

i would not say that i am in total control of my thoughts. there are often unwanted thoughts that pop in!

I do try to treat my relationship with hashem in a way that is real.  The same way i would go out of my way to do anything for a girl that i was pursuing - i try to have the same passion and drive in my relationship with hashem.  When we are passionate about something we generally will do whatever it takes to make it work.  The rbs'o has everything.  The one gift that i can offer hashem is to take something that is difficult and do it because it is ratzon hashem.  When i feel that attraction, that desire to look etc... i have a decision in front of me.  I can indulge in a momentary pleasure or i can take that pleasure and offer it as a gift to the rbs'o by saying no i will not look.  with this perspective i believe that a feeling of closeness develops.  the rbso has been so good to me, i cherish the opportunities to show my appreciation.

this does not mean that i am 100% successful every time, but this is the mindset that i try to have.

best wishes for continued success
vehkam

This is really, really powerful for me. It is a certain shift in mindset that I need to really think about.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Feel free to reach out and say hi!
proudyungerman@gmail.com
406-219-8398

My Journey:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/406231-The-Real-Me

Re: Work in progress 14 Jul 2025 00:56 #438842

  • vehkam
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I listened to the conversation between Rabbi YY Jacobsen and Dr. SHloime Zimmerman  on Torah anytime today .  I listened to it together with my wife.  I highly recommend listening to it.  my wife was very impressed with it as well. 
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
Last Edit: 14 Jul 2025 00:57 by vehkam.

Re: Work in progress 14 Aug 2025 21:29 #440381

  • vehkam
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I was triggered yesterday.   No, bh not that type of trigger.  My emotions were triggered.  I was watching the 24Six talent contest from Camp Aish and I just started crying. I was alone and I just let myself cry out loud for a few minutes.

For those of us that struggled for many years, it is very confusing.  How did I get so entrenched in such a bad habit. What is wrong with me.  Why wasn’t I able to stop when I knew it was wrong.  I always wanted to be good, how did I end up so bad.

The questions are certainly valid but the answer is often just as valid.  While we remember everything we did wrong, we have forgotten the pain that led us there.  Many of us endured deep rooted pain when we were younger.  Pain of loneliness, pain of feeling left out, pain of being shamed and pain of feeling worthless.   The forbidden pleasures that we indulged soothed and numbed that pain.  Life goes on. We grew up and forgot about the pain, but the bad habits and the addictions stayed.

When I watched the camp singing contest I saw counselors and campers cheering on each singer.  Celebrating their accomplishments and success. It brought back memories of wanting  that feeling.  The feeling of being accepted and recognized. for a few minutes I let myself once again feel all that pain of loneliness, rejection and shame.  The pain was intense and deep.  It left me drained.  But it also reminded me of why I need to forgive myself and stop questioning how I allowed myself to follow the wrong path that I did.  

best wishes for continued success 
Vehkam 
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 15 Aug 2025 06:43 #440403

  • alex94
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Thank so much for sharing and being so real with all of us here.
I feel like ive gone though the opposite process. Its been a while away from the bad stuff, but the pain of loneliness and the thirst for love and acceptance still has me in its grip. So very often im intensly triggered in the way you experienced and I wallow in self pity, questioning my entire existence.
Last Edit: 15 Aug 2025 06:46 by alex94.

Re: Work in progress 15 Aug 2025 14:10 #440413

  • vehkam
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alex94 wrote on 15 Aug 2025 06:43:
Thank so much for sharing and being so real with all of us here.
I feel like ive gone though the opposite process. Its been a while away from the bad stuff, but the pain of loneliness and the thirst for love and acceptance still has me in its grip. So very often im intensly triggered in the way you experienced and I wallow in self pity, questioning my entire existence.

When I felt like I had no one else I turned to Hashem.  He is always there And he can be relied on for everything.  When you are able to connect on a deep emotional level to hashem It’s surpasses any connection you can possibly have with anyone in this world.  It is not necessarily easy to get to that place of dveykus but once I realized I could connect in that way it took away a lot of the loneliness.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 15 Aug 2025 18:40 #440421

  • eerie
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My dear friend Vehkam, the first guy I ever spoke to here, thank you for sharing that vulnerable piece about your pain in years gone by
It's one of the things that really hits me from time to time, the amount of pain people are in, some of them for so many years, some of them suffering such deep, deep pain, all different types of pain, it's literally crazy how much pain there is in Klal Yisroel. And to see such people, with all their pain, they are here, working on themselves, it's mamash unbelievable
We gotta keep davening for each and every Jew to be free of pain, Amen
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com
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